President Kermit T. Frog may Issue Full Pardon to Scooter

Some in Washington are Claiming Colorful, Corrupt Connection

The Whitehouse has claimed that what Scooter did wasn’t so bad, and that it is right for President Kermit T. Frog to use his Rainbow Connection to Scooter to get the poor guy off the hook. But some observers are claiming that this so-called Rainbow Connection is nothing better than an old-boys club of the powerful political elite, totally clueless as to what normal Americans want.

For example, a recent poll showed that very few Americans favor the war in Iraq, and a very high percentage would also not favor a war with Iran. However, Vice-President Animal, who apparently yelled and screamed a lot when cabinet members argued against the war in Iraq, feels that the war is going just fine, and that all the soldiers need is a little more to do in order to bring morale back up, so Iran is next. Former Secretary of State Rowlf, who did not always agree with the VP, or with former Secretary of Defense Sam the Eagle, has said that invading Iran in with the military in its current state and for no particular reason would be just plain silly. “I mean, trench warfare should always be a last-ditch effort,” said the always punny Rowlf.

Vice-President Animal, when asked if he had the support of the entire administration for a war in Iran, jumped on a reporter’s head and began yelling his own name repeatedly, and then said something to the effect that he did not need anyone’s permission to launch another war. Reporters asked Attorney General Gonzo if this was true, that the Vice-President could now declare war without Congress or the President to answer to. Gonzo had this to say of Congress: “They report up to the attorney general, who - we all report up to the President of the United States. All of us work in the executive branch.” Supreme Court Justices Statler and Waldorf (sometimes known as Scalia and Thomas) concurred with Gonzo’s assessment. “Yep, pretty much one branch on this-here tree,” said Waldorf.

Current Secretary of Defense Beaker, who nobody knows or cares about, feels as if he will be the victim when all goes wrong with any new experiments in the war(s). Of course, Dr. Bunson Honeydew (aka Carl Rove), who runs the government from his secret lab, agrees with the assessment, but he did point out that very few scapegoats have been necessary, and the method of name-calling and accusing the other side of not supporting the troops may get the new Secretary of Defense through the whole situation.

Of course, that encouragement is barring any other Rizzo (Jack Abramoff)-like ratting out of administration officials. Senate funny-man Fozzie Bear (known as Tom DeLay to voters) was publicly skewered, and may never make more than $2 million per year as a lobbyist because of the scandal that fell upon him. The good doctor has also warned all operatives of staying away from pornography and young boys, as that whole scene can only be covered up for so long, though full pardons are likely for anyone caught doing anything in the name of Kermit T. Frog, Animal, Dr. Bunson Honeydew, or any of the leaders who fight to keep America safe from something very unsafe.

When asked if she plans on making any deals whatsoever with any countries ever, Miss Piggy Rice said, “Hmmmf!” and stormed off, leading some reporters to think that maybe there is no plan for diplomacy, or responsibility for poor choices, or anything that resembles government for the people by the people in Washington. But that can’t be true, and anyone who thinks it is is un-American and should be spied on and possibly thrown in prison as a war criminal. Or at least expect to get basted in the Swedish Chef’s No Spin Zone.

Milwaukee Bucks Anticipate Winning Next Year’s Lottery

The Milwaukee Bucks have used their 2007 NBA lottery draft pick to help the team win the lottery next year. The choice of Yi Jianlian, who does not even want to play for the team, should help to propel them to the worst record in the NBA, setting the stage for a few more chances to land next year’s top pick. While Jianlian has been compared to Toni Kukoc, mostly for his abilities in English as a Second Language, he will become another power forward to the frontcourt, allowing Charlie Villanueva to move to his natural position on the bench. Yi’s presence will also allow Andrew Bogut to continue to focus on automobile dealerships commercials rather than becoming a dominant force on the inside.

Some fans might ask, “Why didn’t the Bucks just keep Toni Kukoc, and draft someone who others compare to Michael Jordan, especially when the guy people compare to Kukoc only shoots 20% from three-point range?” Some fans might be right, as everyone knows Eastern Europeans can play well into their 40s, whereas very little is known about the stamina of Asian players. And the whole stereotype that Asians are sneaky doesn’t even mean much when the guy is 7’0” tall. Maybe if he was the Chinese Steve Nash, that would be something.

Experts predict that Jianlian will pretend he does not know any English whatsoever and flail his arms a lot, which should be familiar to fans of Andrew Bogut and Dan Gadzuric. Also familiar to Bucks fans will be a player that thinks he’s better than Milwaukee and who will be nothing but trouble until he is traded away. No doubt Chinese fans, and there are a lot of them, will be excited about another Chinese player in the NBA. Unfortunately, Chinese people do not have as much disposable income as the Japanese, who regularly fill karaoke bars in cities with Japanese baseball players. The possibility exists that the Bucks front office actually thought that Yi Jianlian is Japanese, especially since some people believe all Asians, or Orientals if you will, look alike. However, the reality is that all blonde white men look alike. Just think about that one for a second.

This just in: Sun Yue was just said to be the Chinese Toni Kukoc. Is this code for something? Is every Chinese basketball player just like Toni Kukoc? Well, they are communists, so maybe they teach all of their children to play basketball like Toni—perchance he filmed some sort of training video for the Chinese government. Or, are there 1 billion copies of a Bulls championship series on betamax in China?

For their second round pick, the Milwaukee Bucks chose Billy Donovan, the coach from Florida, and the sixth person drafted from the team. However, NBA Commissioner David Stern put a stop to the pick, claiming that only players could be drafted. Once this fact was presented, the Bucks chose Greg Oden of Ohio State. Unfortunately, Oden had already been taken, and Milwaukee was threatened with severe reprimands if the team did not take the 56th overall pick seriously. The announcement then came that the Bucks wanted to pick Optimus Prime, and once the team got over the initial chuckles and stern glances from David, they chose Ramon Sessions who will likely replace Mo Williams at point guard, or may play center, just for giggles, and is another 20% three-point shooter.

Surely, barring any major personnel changes from the current lineup, the most important day for the Bucks next year will be next year’s draft day. If you’d like to buy a Bucks 10-pack, click here. Also, here is the poll the Milwaukee Bucks put up before the draft:
Yi Jianlian of China will likely be a top pick. Your advice to Bucks GM Larry Harris is:
• Too Risky, not enough of a resume (52%)
• Go For It, comparison to Toni Kukoc excites me (48%)

Vote for Prince

By Caitlyn

Be sure to cast your ballots for Prince William in the Cosmo Sexiest Man Alive voting. He is obviously so much hotter than the other princes, and because he's royalty, he doesn't actually get votes on a normal basis like the Kennedys or Brad Pitt, so he'll appreciate your support. Really, is there a better Prince anywhere? Every time I see him in one of my magazines, my knees go weak thinking about him asking me to the prom or something. I know it's just a dream, but if baseball players can dream of hitting homeruns and little girls can dream of unicorns, I can dream about Prince William riding to my house on a white horse to meet my parents before the prom.

Is There a Separatist Movement for Me?

By John Evreeman

Boy, howdy, I wish I had a few more friends in my life. What with the wife and kids, I don’t get a whole heck of a lot of me time. Well, I am allowed to watch educational programming once in a while (my wife frowns on sports), and I saw this show about different separatist groups, and I was sorta thinking to myself, “Would one of these separatist movements work for me?”

Some of the groups are like super-religious, and I’m not, so the Christian Exodus group, recently relocating to South Carolina and planning to secede from the Union, may not be for me. They want to form their own Christian Republic. But South Carolina gets really hot in the summer, and I’m not sure goin to meetins would be much fun after a spell. I guess I’m kinda surprised a Christian group would get all upset now and want to secede, anyhow, what with President Bush in charge, because he’s all Christian and stuff. And what if these Christian Conservatives don’t like me? Don’t they make you give testimonies about how you did drugs and slept with everyone and now you’re better? I never did any of that stuff, so I don’t think I’d fit in.

So I checked out some of the white separatist groups, since I’m white and all that. The White Citizens Council looked promising because they have chapters in Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, Tennessee, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, and New York. I live pretty close to Illinois and Michigan. They have about 15,000 members and just want to protect the "European-American" heritage from those of other ethnicities. My family was from Europe once upon a time, and if other ethnicities are trying to take that from me, I guess I might be willing to do something to minimize that. You know, I’ve been to Irish Fest once, even though I’m not even Irish, but my wife is, so I guess that sorta counts. But I wasn’t sure about the whole segregation thing. They don’t seem to want to hang out with certain people, and that seems kinda weird. I wonder if they’d want to hang out with all the Christians who are moving to South Carolina.
I also found out about the Basque separatist group who live somewhere in Europe. They don’t want to be part of France or Spain or something, which seems kind of funny because the White Citizens Council wants to be part of Europe, but the Basques want to be part of something else, but I’m not really sure what that is because they write everything in some foreign language.

I guess there are some separatist groups in Montana and Utah and places like that where old men get a bunch of young women to have a lot of babies and tend their sheep and stuff, and that might be fun for a little while. I don’t think my wife would be too enthusiastic about the whole thing, but I guess they try to brainwash the womenfolk. It would be kinda nice to have her agree to everything I say and wash my clothes on the washboard, but I’ve always been told people don’t like to take the garbage out and do their chores in those compounds, and that would cause all kinds of tension. And I don’t know if I’d feel right not paying my taxes.

Nope, I guess I’ll have to wait for the right separatist movement to come along, because the ones that are out there now seem really hard to get enthusiastic about. I guess we could always home-school our kids, even though most the people I know that have done that seem a bit odd. Maybe I should just join a bowling league or play online poker or the Warcraft thing.

 

Free Mike McGee!

Milwaukee news may not have anything funnier than Michael McGee Jr., and it would be a shame for such a dynamic personality to rot away in jail, so Real Wisconsin News has pledged a "Mequon Match" for raising McGee's bail money of $100,000. McGee has asked his radio listeners to donate bail money to release him, and Real Wisconsin News will match, dollar for dollar, money sent in from private citizens residing in Mequon. Show Alderman McGee your support for his fight against anemic lawyers who don't believe in the old-fashioned ballot-or-bullet corruption-laden Milwaukee politics. McGee, who may have paid $5 per vote in his recall election, has asked for $100 from each of his supporters, which would represent an excellent campaign investment, and we hope it all works out so that we can enjoy his antics for years to come. Remember Mequon, Michael McGee Jr. is counting on you! The fund is at $569 and growing.

American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: This Memorial Day, Let’s Support the War, but Not Necessarily Our Troops

by Dan Brubus:

The war on “terror” is good for the economy and my portfolio, so I say, “Let’s roll,” when it comes to invading other countries. However, to be honest, I’m not terribly fond of many of our troops, and I’m fine with the current handling of soldiers with injuries, disorders, and plain old problems. I say it’s your duty as an American to support the war this Memorial Day, and you can pretend to support the troops if it’s good for business, too, but you don’t have to.
The war on terror is preemptively protecting us from potential evil doers and a lot of other important things, not to mention driving my national defense stocks through the roof, so we should all get behind the kind of war that protects our children and our other assets. The war on terror is good, despite the flip-flopping opinions of millions of “Americans.”

The main problem with the aftermath of war is trying to deal with thousands of soldiers who come home injured in some way, whether mentally or physically. I know nobody in my office is going to hire a veteran with their only skill being yelling and shooting—we need someone who’s going to close accounts, not someone who’s going to scare our clients. Sure, we’ve all got “Support our Troops” ribbons on our SUVs or touring sedans, but what that means is “Support our President’s Policies Because our we Make More Money if you do.”

Think of it this way, the average American soldier is the guy who:

threw bags of dog poop at a chain link fence while growing up—maybe at your house.
got thrown out of your physics class and slammed the door, breaking it.
had sex with your wife before you did.
rides a motorcycle, and looks cool doing it.
doesn’t have a million-dollar plan.
will want the government to pay for his medical bills when he returns from the war.
had lots of friends in high school while you had homework to do.
declares bankruptcy after having to take out a loan against the value of his Mustang.

Besides the classic soldier described above, did you know there are 60,000 immigrants in the US military being promised citizenship for fighting? What more do they want from us than to make them citizens of this great country? They want low-interest loans to help them get out of debt and buy homes. Well, not in my very upscale neighborhood, Private. They want medical care that fixes every ache and pain from serving their country. Hey, sorry kids, free ride’s over. That big USMC tattooed on your arm tells me you expect a little shrapnel in there next to the ink. Last of all, they want our respect. Like I said, I can pretend with the rest of you that I fully and whole-heartedly support our troops—it’s the only way to handle them politically. But when I go home at night and make fun of their low academic performance, or vote against plans to help pay for a military welfare state, that’s my right as an American to do, even if they fought for that right. God bless you, and Happy Memorial Day.

Principles of Science: Why the Douchebag gene cannot be eliminated from the population.

by Dr. Tom

Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps recording Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees [or Minnesota Vikings, depending on crowd]?”. These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?

Darwin’s theory of natural selection is simple. If the female peacock has three mates from which to choose – one with blue plumage, one with red plumage, and one who calls himself a vegetarian despite eating chicken and fish, she will choose either of the first two, for colorful plumage is a desirable characteristic for peacocks, whereas pompous insincerity is not. After all, nobody wants to hear that shit. Over time, these jackasses are less able to find mates, their genes do not get passed along, and eventually these behaviors have left the population.

Humans have had over 50 million years to evolve, and we know douchebags have been a scourge on human existence dating back to the early Egyptian kingdoms after the Rosetta Stone allowed researchers to determine that the phalli with hairy balls scratched in the back of the Great Sphynx of Giza were not, in fact, hieroglyphics. So we know it is not a question of not having enough time to evolve.

[Editors Note: Even if you are one of those douchebags that believes in intelligent design, there remains an inconsistency. One can only help but conclude that no righteous God would ever smite the world with a plague of douchebags. Does God consider this design ‘intelligent’?? We must search for other reasons.]

Douchebags could mate selectively with each other to pass down these characteristics, but given the length of time in question, this would have lead to the development of a separate species. By selectively mating together, the genetic material of these helmets would concentrate with each successive generation until they would be incapable of mating with the rest of us [The principle of Divergent Evolution]. The baboon at the zoo picking his ass would not be the gentleman in front of you at Pick n’ Save. Humans have been evolving for over 50 million years – plenty of time for the gene which propulses some dipshit to book Elton John for Harleyfest to have been eliminated from the population.

The principles of genetics
We return now to conundrum of the dicktard flailing his arms and legs in front of you at Summerfest, knocking over your beer in an attempt to impress a skeptical potential mate.
There has certainly been sufficient time for evolution to have had an effect, and we can see that he will not be mating… So why has this behavior has not evolved out?

The answer lies in genetics. The impulse which causes people to fart in an elevator is a phenotype caused by our genes. Genes are passed to offspring through the individual chromosomes of the parents. Humans have two chromosomes, each with the gene for a particular characteristic. Only one of the genes that controls a behavior or characteristic – e.g. whether an individual runs for governor - will be expressed In genetic parlance the chromosome most likely to be expressed is called “dominant” with the other being labeled “recessive”. Let us label this politician gene “d” for douchebag. There are three possible combinations in the parent generation.


The first, homozygous autosomal dominant DD is a normal person. In the second, the dominant “D” gene selects again for a normal person in the heterozygote. It is only the last combination, homozygous recessive “dd” that you see driving 48 in the left hand lane.

In the process of meiosis, each parent will donate only one of their chomosomes. We therefore see the following possibilities in the progeny generation:

For the homozygous autosomal dominant (DD):
DD x DD à DD for all children [all normal]
DD x Dd à DD (50%), Dd, (50%) [all normal]
DD x dd à Dd for all children [all normal]

For the heterozygote (Dd):
Dd x DD à DD (50%), dD (50%) [all normal]
Dd x Dd à DD (25%), Dd (50%), dd (25%) [75% normal, quarter asswipe]
Dd x dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [half asswipe]

And lastly for homozygous retarded (dd):
dd x DD à Dd for all children [all normal]
dd x Dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [50% refer to themselves in 3rd person]
dd x dd à dd for all children [and also inherit Hilton estate]

Even assuming that no reasonable individual mates with one of these [dd] jackasses, the presence of the hidden recessive “d” gene in the asymptomatic carriers [Dd heterozygote] allows for two seemingly normal individuals to give birth to Tom Cruise or Terrell Owens. And this end result is why you spend so much time at the DMV.

Depressing as this is, the scientific community continues to work tirelessly to develop in utero tests via amniocentesis that would allow for diagnosis of the douchebag gene before birth. There are also several phase II trials studying the effect of a novel pharmaceutical agent debaginase douchopranol as a potential treatment modality. The company behind development is trying to scale-up research & development in preparation for the 2008 U.S. presidential primaries.

American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: Sure, We Don’t Want Iran to Have Nukes, But Why Not Our Used F-14s?

by Dan Brubus

Capitalism always wins. Pure and simple. America developed the F-14 Tomcat over many years. It was used to keep the world safe, but now it’s time to sell the leftovers to the highest bidder. Yes, the highest bidder does happen to be on my short list of countries I’d like to see blown up by next year, but we can benefit from their desire to bolster their military before we crush them. We should sell F-14 Tomcats to Iran because we have the greatest military on earth and our treasury could use the cash to help fund the war on terror.

We really do not have anything to worry about when we sell our old weapons to other countries, since we have the best-trained, most expensive military on the planet. The reason why the F-14s are available is because they are retired. When you retire your POS Toyota, do you let it sit there in the garage or say you’re only going to sell it to a museum? Some Demon-crats in congress want us to do just that: not sell our old junk to other countries in need to military equipment and willing to pay top-dollar. It’s not like an F-14 is going to go to some recycling center run by hippies so they can produce hemp necklace clasps out of the fuselage. Haven’t you ever heard of production for use? Weapons are produced to be used, not to be housed in various museums. And if we can no longer use the weapon, then it must be sold to recoup some of the production cost, and if it happens to be used by the nation to whom we sell the weapon, then the cycle has been fulfilled, and everyone should be happy.

Even if the weapons produced for the American government through private industry bids end up in the hands of our enemies, or even members of the Axis of Evil, the cycle is still intact, and we will simply have to buy better weapons from those companies to deal with the ones we sold to said enemy, and the economy booms because we need new weapons. In the unfortunate event a war occurs, American companies will be poised to make money on the front-end, back-end, our side, and their side. Once again, capitalism always wins.

So it’s established that the American military cannot be defeated, even by our own old weapons, and we realize that money can be made from selling weapons, and even from fighting against the countries that buy the weapons. We can make enough money from sales of F-14 parts alone to all but end the war on terror. If we sold more grenades, land mines, and M-16s to weapons dealers, we could probably track down Osama Bin Laden in no time at all. The decision to continue selling our old weapons to the highest bidder is a complete no-brainer, which means even Hillary Clinton should be able to support it, because our economy benefits from every aspect of selling our old weapons, and, once again, capitalism always wins.

Axis of Evil Countries Unveil New Marketing Campaign

By Ralph Fitch

In an effort to retain members and recruit new countries, the Axis of Evil has unveiled a new design for their official emblem and advertising. The current members of the Axis of Evil seem to include Iran, North Korea, Syria, and Cuba, while Iraq and Libya are listed as members in hiatus. The four countries still in the Axis of Evil feel that they could benefit from aggressive marketing to other countries that might consider an opportunity to express their disdain for America.

Interestingly, however, the catchy look used by the Axis of Evil resembles that of American Eagle Outfitters, and reports indicate that at least one member country contacted American Eagle about selling their ae.com website to the Axis. American intelligence officials report that the marketing is meant to target a similar demographic as the retailer: young individuals who think their parents suck, and who think that foreigners suck even more. The official American response to any country considering membership to the Axis of Evil is to immediately revoke “government” status, and instead refer it as a “regime.”

Reportedly, Venezuela is considering a trial membership to the Axis of Evil, and President Hugo Chavez has been given a membership card that entitles him to exclusive Axis of Evil benefits without a yearly fee. “I get a monthly email newsletter and special, members only discounts on weapons, keychains, and many other items,” said the president. Member countries also receive a shipment of surplus cargo shorts for their military personnel. The Axis of Evil said in a statement through Al Jazeera that the goal is to make the membership too good to turn down. “All America gives you is denigrated culture and stripping of your natural resources to pay for American appetites, but we offer you cargo shorts and hope for a future without American meddling,” reads part of the statement. No hard data exists as yet to gauge the popularity of its new marketing strategy, but analysts agree that similar marketing has led to overweight, credit card-indebted Americans, so it may be a sound approach.

MPS Schools Better Reflect Criminal Justice System in New Budget

Milwaukee Public Schools will begin its scaling down of actual education in its schools in order to better reproduce the criminal justice system its students are preparing themselves for. The latest budget has job losses in all areas except for social workers, psychologists, safety assistants, and nurses. Teachers will be teaching more students for more hours with less help, but the plan is for the psychologists and social workers to convince students to behave better. If that doesn’t work, of course, the safety assistants are specially trained to subdue students without the use of plastic handcuffs, pepper spray, or knowledge of martial arts by saying things like, “Don’t you make me get up out this desk!” If the safety assistants are useless, the nurses can offer ice packs for black eyes.

The goal of hiring more people in the health and human services fields rather than education is simple: no one is getting an education, so at least MPS wants to give students a familiar start to a life of crime. Said an MPS spokeswoman, “Our students get into a lot of trouble and they also fail a lot of tests. We decided that trying to teach them how not to get into trouble was actually more important than teaching them how to do well on tests, because the only tests most of these kids will be taking after high school involve only positive or negative results.”

Some disagree with the plan to cut spending for regular classroom teachers and aides, as many elementary school teachers are purportedly teaching entire days straight with no relief from aides or music, gym, or art classes, and 35 children to teach. Jane Dewey, an elementary school teacher, said, “Most parents can’t handle one or two children, and I’m expected to teach 35 all day long while we hire more security, social workers, and psychologists to tell me the kids are misbehaving. I can pretty much look around the room and figure that one out, and I can find out their parents don’t give a rip when two of the 35 come in for conferences. Voila—no social workers or psychologists needed for that one.”

A positive result of hiring staff that is also represented in the criminal justice system is that if students do get into trouble as adults, they will be prepared for a life in prison. “Of course we don’t wish jail time on any of our kids,” said an MPS psychologist, “but we do feel they will certainly perform better in prison than students from other districts because of all the practice we offer them. This is potentially huge, as months if not years can be shaved off a sentence because of good behavior.” A number of administrators at central office are very excited about the possibility of MPS students excelling over students from other districts, even if it is during incarceration. The use of plastic handcuffs, though recently voted down, will likely come up again, as well as a proposal to add gates with bars at various places in the halls and in some classrooms. Orange uniforms are on the agenda in the near future, as well, as MPS looks forward to a day when people won’t be able to tell the difference between Waupun Prison and Washington High.

Halliburton Nominated for Nobel Prizes

by Imanadia Peecnik

American corporation Halliburton received an unprecedented two nominations for Nobel Prizes this year. Halliburton received nominations for the Nobel Prize in Economics, as well as, the Nobel Peace Prize. Said the nominator who requested to remain anonymous, and just be known as Richard, "Is there any doubt that this company has done more to secure world peace than any other? And, they did it with a perfect business model that should be a lesson to all future corporate executives. That's why our board, excuse me, group, nominated Halliburton for two Nobel Prizes."

In simulaneously making his case for the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel Prize in Economics for Halliburton, Richard described Halliburton's accomplishments and influence as such: "Given the volatile situation in the Middle East, Halliburton has still been able to transcend national and international interests by helping Iran build and maintain its petroleum infrastructure at a time when that country needs revenue the most. Iran has many needs, such as: funding foriegn peace fighters, maintaining a secret police force charged with cutting off the tongues of anyone who defies the ruling Mullahs, and building out its peaceful nuclear program. In fact, although it's not public yet, for the sake of winning the prizes, I will announce right here that Halliburton has even helped with some of the nuclear program in Iran. So you see, through Iran, Halliburton has reached out to the noblist of causes, such as bringing peace in the middle east and rest of the world, by directly helping fund those who would bring the peace and making a couple bucks on the back end. It really is all quite clever."

Richard went on to dscribe other Halliburton accomplishements: "In Iraq, we have been able to help the United States mission to free the Iraqi people from the onslaught of foriegn mercenaries by supplying the U.S. military with most of its needs via our revolutionary LOGCAP contract. This contract for supplying the U.S. Military has allowed Halliburton to successfully maintain an effective profit margin fixed to the cost of what Halliburton supplies. That is, if Halliburton spends $100 million on the wholesale cost of supplying the U.S. troops and various contractors, then U.S. taxpayers only repay Halliburton the $100 million and a fixed percentage fee on top. If Halliburton spends $200 million on the wholesale cost of supplies, then the U.S. taxpayers simply increase the fee as a fixed percentage of what Halliburton spent on supplies, which in this example would double Halliburton's profit. Now of course, Halliburton is dealing with billions of dollars not hundreds of millions, but the example is an easy one to understand and it holds with bigger numbers. That they have even been able to ignore any potential conflicts of interest in purchasing supplies so far, makes it an even more efficient and profitable for Halliburton. The business model really is excellent and even more impressive when we look at Halliburton's financials since 2001."

"And going back further and around the globe," continued Richard, "...Halliburton has been able to work with countries like Libya as far back as the 1980s, Azerbaijan, Indonesia and Burma in the 1990s, and Nigeria today, despite unfounded human rights concerns, national defense issues and various embargos and sanctions limiting or forbidding U.S. corporations from working with those nations. Using Halliburton's internationally headquarted Brown and Root subsidiary, the company has been able to legally accomplish many goals, such as sending military grade piping and other peaceful technology to Libya well before the PanAm flight bombing, depoplulating areas needing pipelines and protecting company and ruling party property in several countries."

Former Halliburton CEO John Gibson summed it up as such, "We don't like being kept out of markets because it gives our competitors an unfair advantage." Said Richard, "Think what Halliburton can do now that it's moving its headquarters from Houston to Dubai!"

"Last but not least, well and not really last," Richard went on, "Halliburton has even been involved with helping America, such as with the Asbestos problem, funding private pension plans of key capitalist cogs, reallocating taxpayer money for greater efficiency and influencing the gasoline supply. There really is very little doubt that the Nobel Prizes are much deserved and would serve as a reminder to any Federal prosecutors just who they are dealing with."

Out of concern for journalistic fairness, Real Wisconsin News has been able to uncover some opposition to the nomination of Halliburton for the Nobel Prizes, including ersthile watchdog group Halliburton Watch, the Defense Contract Audit Agency, various U.S. Senators, Iraqis and a bevy of Hollywood types including one of Beav's favorites- that cute goth chick from "Six Feet Under."

Michael McGee Sr. Grieves for Charlie Sykes

Everyone deals with tragedy differently, and Michael McGee Sr. has demonstrated that in his effort to console Charlie Sykes on the death of his mother, Katherine Sykes. “Mother Sykes, she dead,” said McGee, implying that he too was grieving for his own ‘mother,’ who must be very proud of her son if she is living. McGee goes on to comfort using religion: “To me it's the vengeance of God.” Yes, we all must answer to God eventually, and Mr. McGee calls our attention to that fact. “I ain't got no tears,” McGee said, obviously too stunned to cry. We’ve all been there.
“Matter of fact a woman that would have a fool like that deserve whatever is coming her.” McGee gives Mrs. Sykes a send-off to heaven, reminding us all that we get what we deserve after all is said and done. “She raised a sure enough idiot,” continued McGee. True or not, this is an example of McGee trying to deal with the pain, blaming those closest to him. “My instincts say Charlie Sykes killed his momma,” added McGee, going down the road many siblings take upon the death of a loved one.

Even some of McGee’s listeners were a bit surprised by his comments about Mrs. Sykes’ death, but like Don Imus, McGee is expected to be a controversial radio personality, and one way to acquire a dozen or so new listeners is to call someone a murderer. Or a nappy-headed ho. McGee is likely also trying to get Sykes to make a mistake in judgment and get himself fired by retaliating, possibly because WNOV has expressed interest in a Sykes and McGee in the Morning show. Radio personalities such as Sykes and McGee rely on saying things other people only think in order to force people to listen, and though nobody else even thought this one, McGee was using his creative license to set the stage for interesting talk radio, and that would be an accomplishment.

Men, Help Bring an Air of Respectability to Milwaukee: Work for AirTran

Special advertising section

When AirTran finally closes the deal for Midwest Airlines, it will be searching for employees who are able to work in a fast-paced, competitive environment. AirTran officials said potential employees are encouraged to joke around a bit, like when a supervisor dons a white hood and claims to be in the KKK. Men who work for the company can be assured that if they make advances on a female and she refuses, a bit of good-natured kicking to her posterior is completely acceptable. Men might also enjoy the perks of being able to simulate sex with female employees and passing nude photos around the workplace. Men can be assured that they will have a voice in the company, always being allowed to ask female employees to take pictures of their breasts.

If a male employee happens to get caught making sweet love to some airport floosie on his supervisor’s desk, he can rest assured that he will receive high-fives all around and no annoying reprimands. All told, a man’s wildest work fantasy can come true if he works for AirTran. The right man can proposition mothers and daughters who work for the company and surf for porn while at his terminal. Apply today! Our benefits package is right up front!

Ladies may also be interested in a high-flying career in entertaining male co-workers, with absolutely no room for promotion or complaint, akin to being married. Please send photo layout to AirTran.
linky

Man Kidnaps Girlfriend as Part of Mid-life Crisis

A 55-year-old captain of a homemade schooner has begun to sail around the world with his 23-year-old girlfriend in a trip planned to reach 1000 days at sea. The record-setting voyage is very romantic on the surface, but the realities of oceangoing will likely claim the couple well before the 1000 days are up.

Possibly the most difficult obstacle will be the monotony of spending three years with one other person non-stop, which is said to be worse than solitary confinement because of the constant complaining that will eventually occur. In a microcosm of actual marriage, Reid Stowe and Soanya Ahmad will likely experience all of the emotions that a normal married couple experience over 15-20 years, since most married couples actually try to avoid one another a good portion of each day.

Early in the voyage, a honeymoon phase will exist. The first sunrise and sunset. The first whale sighting. The first time Reid leans over the front of the vessel and yells, “I’m the king of the world!” The first time the couple has relations under the stars. The first storm. However, after a few dozen firsts and then a few exciting repeats of those firsts, eventually, each and every day of the 1000 will seem like the last, and playing solitaire on the laptop will be welcome relief for Soanya having to listen to Reid explain to her the proper way to cast the rigging or some such constructive criticism. And pissing at floating garbage off the starboard side will be much more entertaining for Reid than to listen to Soanya interject every five minutes that the salt air has dried out her skin and she could really use some moisturizer, as well as the fact that he has yet to make an honest woman of her.

Eventually, maybe after a few weeks, Reid will hope to appease Soanya’s ever-increasing scathing comments and moodiness by asking her to marry him, and this will make everything seem better for a few days. Reid will conduct the ceremony himself, and the two will spend a couple of blissful mid-afternoons together without a care in the world. That is, of course, until the first time she thinks she might be pregnant and/or have gotten some sort of feminine problem, at which time the two will settle into married life on separate ends of the boat.

Not long after marriage, Soanya will begin to feel underappreciated for all she does on the boat, and wonder why she is always forced to open the ration containers and set up the table for meals, as well as clean the head. Reid will wonder why he is always in charge of steering the vessel, and blamed when they end up off the coast of Liberia when it was supposed to be Senegal.

Small idiosyncrasies that seemed almost cute months before begin too get under each others’ skin, like the way Reid picks at the dry skin on his calloused feet, and then chews on the skin before he spits it onto the floor (which she will undoubtedly have to sweep). Or the way Soanya continuously asks Reid what his ten favorite parts about her are, when all Reid can think about is his one favorite thing that has not been forthcoming.

The annoyance with one another will reach beyond habits and to the mere sight of one another on the ship, and each will begin to communicate more with the outside world via internet than with one another. Reid may reconnect with a woman closer to his age whom he knew in high school, and Soanya may find the profile of a doctor from America who now works in her native country of Guyana and fall instantly in love with him, but feel shameful for her sinful desires. She may at that point decide that having a child could fix all of their marital problems, for if they cannot love one another, at least they could both love their child and rekindle their own emotions.

Reid, however, by this point will have given up all hope, and will be planning to decree his own divorce, when the ship is attacked by pirates off the coast of Madagascar. Reid will try valiantly to hide in the cargo hold, but he is brought out face his plunderers. They will take all electronic equipment, including the laptop and GPS device. They may discuss taking Soanya as well, but figure she is a witch-lady if she is married to an old white man, or something to that effect. After the pirates leave, the couple will continue on to the nearest safe port to end their journey after 163 days. Good luck Reid and Soanya from Real Wisconsin News.

City of Pewaukee Police Chief Reprimanded for Police Humor Wins Award

The City of Pewaukee Police Chief will be awarded the Sheriff Buford T. Justice Certificate of Recognition for his upholding the values of police humor in language usage and offending others. This award is given each year to an officer of the law who basically believes others should, “Do what I say you pile of monkey nuts!”

The certificate will be presented during a ceremony in the Wal-Mart parking lot in recognition of the chief’s using unacceptable and derogatory terms about females and minorities, his displaying nude and partially-nude photographs of women, and his sending emails with sexual content to other police officers. One might ask, “What the hell is the world coming to?” when a police chief gets into trouble for such minor offenses. What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law, and the chief has to lose ten days of his $82,951 salary because some people are offended by a bit of police humor. You bet your ass on that, boy.

“Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.” And nobody should try to make an upstanding chief who’s just trying to do his job the right way look like that, either. Fortunately, the chief was found only to have violated department policy, and the acts did not constitute sexual harassment. No further action was taken by investigators because those “sombitches couldn't close an umbrella.”

This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags, and the harassment should stop now. The chief should simply say, “We don't got time for that crap! Dumb sumbitch!” and move on with the work that needs to be done to maintain an orderly City of Pewaukee. The chief needs to concentrate on reminding people in his community to “don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway…Now you can THINK about it, but don't do it!”

Though Pewaukee’s police chief needs to be thinking about “One shit at a time” right now, he should not allow the minor reprimand to alter his form of police work. He simply needs to get back out on the road and tell someone, “My handle is Smokey Bear and I'm tail grabbin' your ass right now!” Sometimes we all need to “duck, or you'll be talkin' out your ass.” We need to watch out for those who are offended by any little old naked picture in the workplace or some police humor name-calling. Endeavor to persevere, Chief, and remember, “If you're gonna hang out in places like this, wear a badge on your didey.” And if your kids ever disagree with your methods because it’s embarrassing for them at school, just say, “There's no way, NO way that you came from MY loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!”

It’s Getting Hot up Here

By Dan Brubus
Keep driving your SUVs, people, because we’re about make history! I knew my Lord and savior Jesus Christ was on my side when I decided against going to Miami to take a job with a competitor. “Yeah, the weather sucks here,” I reasoned, “and the girls aren’t nearly as hot, but I can afford a Brookfield mansion for less than a million bucks, and still have enough left over to stock my garage.” Anyhow, the great weather is about to come to me, so I’ll be retiring at about 55 with more money in the bank than you’ll make in a lifetime, and beautiful weather, as well. What do we have to thank for all this? Global warming, of course.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change just released new data that predict numerous climatological events for Wisconsin, created by our own addiction to oil, in which I have invested heavily. Here are some of those “catastrophic” events.

Temperatures in Wisconsin will rise by about five degrees by 2039. Maybe ten degrees by 2100. Yipee!
Buried ships and interesting geological features will be exposed by dropping Great Lakes water levels.
Surface temperatures of Midwestern lakes could reach 86 degrees. That’s pretty nice for a jump in the old lake after a day on my yacht.
For all you hippies, growing seasons and forests will increase. You can maybe grow your own marijuana.
Heat waves will increase by 25%, so those 86 degree lakes will feel nice and cool
Up to one-third of the worthless plant and animal species may be doomed to extinction—it’ll be like a science experiment in our freakin backyards.

Basically, if you maintain the right attitude, not much is really going to happen with this whole global warming thing. American consumerism is what drives the entire global economy, and we cannot slow down for some tree-hugging Scandanavian socialists who want us to sign treaties that cut pollution. Honestly, the EU can cut all the emissions they want, and we’ll still let the lazy chain-smokers come along on our economic ride. And China and India just better back off with their nuclear weapons and outrageous pollution—since when do they have the right to do that? Luckily, we’ve got it all together here in America, and now we can look forward to more pleasant weather, as well.

Bush Might Have Misunderconstrued Jackie Robinson Day

By Staff Writer In an apparent mix-up in Washington, the Bush White House, hoping to garner more minority support for upcoming elections, seem to have missed the message of Jackie Robinson Day, celebrating it at the Samsung 500 at the Texas Motor Speedway watching a NASCAR race. White House press secretary Tony Snow said that Bush wanted to celebrate the true meaning of Jackie Robinson Day, on the 60th Anniversary of the breaking of the color barrier in baseball, by watching a good ol’ fashioned automobile race, and cheering for NASCAR’s newest addition, Juan Pablo Montoya in the #42 Dodge.

While baseball has retired #42 for all players, NASCAR has a #42, and he’s a minority, just like Jackie Robinson, and just like Jackie, is trying to break into a sport dominated by whites. Unfortunately, Montoya is Colombian, and not exactly African-American, or even Mexican. Montoya did, however, finish 8th in the race, to which President Bush noted, “That’s probably the best a non-white person ever finished in an automobile race, I reckon”

Unfortunately for Bush, Montoya has already won a NASCAR Busch Series race, and aides were scrambling to see if Colombian is technically a minority group in America. Either way, Montoya is not exactly breaking in to racing this year, even though it is his rookie NASCAR season. He has finished in the top five as a Formula 1 racer, and has even won the Indianapolis 500.

“This just goes to show,” said Bush, attempting to cover his staff’s lack of research, “even people who speak Mexican can do good in our country if they work hard and keep their ears clean. Just remember that the true meaning Jackie Robinson Day shone clearly through the high-octane smog today, that we can all get along if we work hard, believe in God, and stay the course.”

One NASCAR fan in the crowd beamed, “I think that Juan Carlos guy is such a funny little foreigner. Look at him, five-and-a-half feet tall, and he’s racing against these men. It’s a real inspiration for my son because he wants to be quarterback at A&M someday, and he’s only five-foot-six. That Mexican just better steer clear of my daughter.” The general crowd feeling about Montoya was fairly consistent, with most people being very excited about a non-white racer who should stay away from daughters competing.

The Roger Maris family was in the crowd at the request of the Bush administration to issue the Jackie Robinson Black Like Me Award to Juan Montoya as the first possibly-minority driver in NASCAR. “I have no idea why I’m here,” said Roger Maris’s grandson, minutes before Bush administration lackeys brought Willy T. Ribbs to the attention of the president. “Al Gore should have never invented the internet,” Bush said as he was led out of the bleachers with a corn dog and nachos. Bush’s gesture, though destroyed by ignorance, was legitimate, as Bush wants once again to be the uniter rather than the divider. He wants little Columbians and little trailer parkers to race against one another in circles of perfect harmony, sort of like the circle of life, or the circle of truth that fights against the axis of evil. Unfortunately, facts sometimes get in the way of political ideals. Bush, however, works very hard to control those facts, and he does this for all of us.

Indian Wars Reheating

by George A. Custer IV

In what has the potential to be an all out whooping, arrow zinging, spear chucking, finger pointing war, complete with scalpings, the Potowatomi Tribe has upped the ante in the Kenosha casino conflict. The Real Wisconsin News has discovered that the Potowatomi nation has been funding various groups in an effort to stem competition with it's casino in the Menominee Valley in Milwaukee. The most funny sounding and made-up of the groups, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin, asserts that the Mohegan tribe of Connecticut will be taking over gaming in Wisconsin by building a Kenosha casino. In fact, in a recent television ad, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin shows the Mohegans using a red glob to eat most of the Eastern United States including Wisconsin, until Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin beats them back with clever use of graphics.

Unusually, money does not appear to be at the center of this conflict. Despite the fact that the Potowatomi only have revenue of approximately three quarters of a billion dollars to support its approximately 1200 tribal members, half-bloods and quarter-bloods, the real conflict seems to be good old fashioned hate. Through intensive interviews with various members of the Forrest County Potowatomi Tribe it is apparent that the Potowatomi just don't like the Wisconsin tribe that stands to benefit from the Kenosha casino- the Menominee. Said Potowatomi quarter-share recipient spouse Bruce, "Them damn Menominee are just evil. And the Mohegan, they're east coast evil, we don't need them here neither. People think just because they're only getting 13% of the revenue from that new casino for seven years that they ain't evil, are just plain wrong. Didn't you see the red blob on TeeVee. Them Menominees up to something sneaky by partnering with those Mohicans... Mohegans...whoever the hell they are. They're all evil I tell ya."

Menominee member and basket weaving instructor Bob fired back, "Look, I was a young man when the Congress took our reservation and made us poor. But today, the Potowatomi are our enemy by not allowing us to regain our former glory and wealth. The Potowatomi are as bad as some of those bastards that gave our ancestors the flu a few hundred years ago. They're real greedy bastards." (It should be noted that fifteen years after the Congress took the Menominee reservation on grounds that they were well enough off to survive despite being uneducated at the time and without significant assets, the Congress gave them a reservation back in the 1970s, along with a lot of weed, which was the hippies idea.)

The hate between the two groups stems from years of animosity that culminated in the forceful lobbying of the Potowatomi to put their casino in the Menominee's valley in Milwaukee (which didn't please the Mohican's much either as nobody knows where their casino ended up) in the early 1990s. Since then, the two groups have been at each other's throats. The larger 8400 member Menominee tribe went so far recently as attempting to order a Russian MIG to fly over the Potowatomi casino and blow up their ugly torch, but couldn't come up with the down-payment. The Potowatomi have stuck with their strategy for a decade now of greasing politicians and making donations to local community groups.

There does however appear to be a new hope on the horizon in this galactic conflict. A recent marriage between a Potowatomi warrior and Menominee squaw has given rise to a thought that maybe the two tribes can live in harmony and prosper together, sharing the great wealth of the Chicago gambler trail (through a shared revenue agreement based on construction support which has yet to be suggested by any smart politician). All that stands in their way is the bureaucratic devil and a legal cluster-foo. But with a little help from the Governor on an agreement regarding a revenue transfer payment plan to the State (not technically a tax, but really it is) and an agreement to give at least 1% of their revenue to local causes, a new era might begin.

Don Imus to Present at NOW Conference in Detroit

Don Imus, the much-maligned syndicated radio personality, will teach a breakout session at the National Organization for Women Conference in Detroit this July. He has decided to pay penance for his remarks about the Rutgers women’s basketball team (calling them nappy-headed hos) by presenting on “Why (White) Men Fear (Black) Women” during an early-bird breakout session, just after “Yoga With Grace Welch.”

In his workshop, Don Imus is scheduled to talk about how the patriarchal society he lives in has shaped him into a person who does not value women in general and Black women in particular. Imus is said to be preparing his materials during his two-week suspension from the radio. He will discuss the depiction of women in America from the early captivity and moral novels to today’s personal narratives of abuse and other stuff men don’t care about. Imus will then take on the depiction of all women in the media, and especially the depiction of Black women as either hos or big mamas. He is planning on delving into the objectification of women in pornography, the marginalization of Asian women through happy-ending or fortune cookie jokes, the conceptualization of American Indian women as squaws, the visualization of Italian women as hairy and good cooks, the metamorphosization of Latinas from oppressed housewives to big-bootied-hos in pop music, and the externalization of all women as either hos or mothers.

While some women have protested Imus being invited to the conference, others see it as a learning opportunity, both for themselves and for him. An organizer of the event said, “Mr. Imus will be repenting for his sins against the brotherhood of women and offering us a forum during which we may yell at him on a more personal level.” Women from the Rutgers basketball team have cried foul over the invitation, and have vowed to boycott the NOW conference, just as they now boycott the show. “We used to listen to Don Imus before games to get us pumped-up,” said one player, “but now that he’s just another white devil, we’ll listen to the John Tesh show instead. Or, maybe we’ll watch us a Lifetime movie, because them ladies know how to handle a trifling man, with a shovel to the head or a 2” heel to the eye.” Team members have also vowed to not use any relaxer in their hair in order to demonstrate to Imus just how nappy a head of hair can get.

The future of Imus’s radio show is uncertain, especially with the potential loss of African-American female listeners. He has already been dropped from television, but Imus is confident that his new brand of sensitive talk will bring in more listeners who want to confront their own hegemonical views of women as weaker, more emotional, and less intelligent, not to mention better at cleaning and care-giving.

Art Critics Miss Point in Pewaukee Man’s Performance Art

By Rainbow Meadows

A man from Pewaukee was arrested April 4th for his new performance art exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Art critics have said that the form of performance art, known as artisto destructo and utilized by such well-known artists as John Cage and Yoko Ono, is little more than someone who is not artistic interacting with art. The piece at the Milwaukee Art Museum, however, involved a man called “Pewaukee Man” ripping down "The Triumph of David" by Ottavio Vannini and putting his foot through the painting, valued at $300,000. Pewaukee Man’s work, entitled “David and Goliath’s Goliath” was no mere angry tirade, but a work of performance art that may turn the art world upside down.

Some avant-garde artists are already hailing the video surveillance of the work as a masterpiece of masterpiece destruction, and some have even vowed to put on their own exhibitions across the country. An artist calling herself “Annihilatia” said in a monotone hum during a phone interview, “Art is in the hands of the people. We are all people. We are all art. A Pewaukee Man is an artist and Ottavio Vannini is an artist. Vannini is dead. David is dead. Goliath is dead. Pewaukee Man’s foot is alive.”

Another artist, calling himself/herself “untitled,” wrote on an art blog that, “If a tree falls in a forest, that is not art, but when a logger cuts down a tree and yells, ‘Timber!’ that is art. A man stomping a piece of art is art, and a man urinating on a building is art, be it an art building or a library. When we get that, we will all know where we are as humans. Pewaukee Man gets it.”

Pewaukee Man may face charges in the assault of the art work, but he is also expected to apply for a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts in order to further his own performance art career. Many art organizations have come under attack in recent years for supporting art that the general public does not fully understand, and Pewaukee Man’s art would likely fall into that category for most people. However, the fact that local media has for the first time said the words “Ottavio Vannini” leads one to wonder if Pewaukee Man’s exhibition does in fact have some redeeming characteristics. For example, had you not read this, would you have looked at this link? Yes, Pewaukee Man’s quest to enlighten us all and demonstrate the power of art may actually do just that.

Columbia St. Mary's and Froedtert Will Work Twice as Hard to Remain Inefficient

With the merger of two major health systems and the potential for efficient implementation of care, both Columbia St. Mary’s and Froedtert will have to exceed expected levels of inefficiencies in order to maintain their high prices for average care that people in Wisconsin have come to expect. Patients have begun asking some pertinent questions and voicing concerns:

“When I go to the doctor, I expect to spend at least three times the duration of my consultation in the waiting room. I just worry about that with the merger, because it seems like they could do things faster.” The answer from the major players is a resounding “Yes We Can!” A Froedtert spokesman affirmed that wait times will be just as long as before the merger. He also noted that many medical records will be misplaced, lost, or read by unauthorized people during the merger, so patients can expect at least the same amount of ineptitude as they are accustomed to.

“I like it when I get told by a doctor that I need to see a doctor out of my insurance network. It makes me feel special because I get to pay a real premium for my care. How can that happen with all these doctors under one network?” The merged medical group plans on instituting more needless tests and prescribing more designer drugs in order to make up for the loss of star treatment by recommending doctors outside of insurance networks. “We can always find a reason to run an MRI on a patient,” said one doctor.

“Won’t this make visiting a doctor more convenient because the doctor can work out of more facilities?” When patients consider the scheduling conflicts, unknowledgeable staff, and en route golf courses, the fact that a doctor will see patients at more facilities should not change much at all.

“Wait, won’t they stop building on to Milwaukee Regional Medical Center if other facilities are added into the group? I’m worried that my insurance co-pay might go down if construction costs are kept low.” While conventional wisdom might suggest that services and specialties could be shared, the MRMC is dedicated to a long-term plan of building in order to maintain a sense of better care and increased charges for its patients. “Hey, if Aurora wants to build half-empty hospitals, we certainly can match them brick for brick,” said a spokesperson. “However, we like to see a hospital as half full rather than half empty.”

“I can see my doctor as becoming less egotistical if he has all these other doctors to answer to. I’m worried that he’ll become open to new ideas.” Studies show that irregardless of hospital size, doctors maintain the same high levels of ego and low levels of bedside manner, so you do not have to worry about your doctor pretending to care more about you or admitting when he’s wrong, because he still never will be wrong.

“C’mon, won’t I get right in to see a doctor now when I go to the emergency room? What would life be without stories of three-hour waits at the emergency room?” Again, wait time will remain the same, and this includes all emergency rooms. Unless you have a bullet in your head or a severed limb, you might as well still grab a chair and do some serious people-watching.

“Isn’t this just another step towards nationalized health care, which will never work because all good doctors will start private practices in Mexico and leave the country?” Just the opposite: this merger is a step towards the ultimate in capitalist inefficiency and waste—the monopoly. Once we complete the merger and offer our new corporation for sale to Aurora, you will get all the overpaid doctors and overpriced services and overbuilt facilities you could possibly imagine. Since you do not pay attention to how much you are charged now, you will likely remain in a similar state of blissful ignorance throughout the process, and you will be told in full-page special advertising sections of the newspaper how good it is for you, and you will believe.

Young People Dispute Mayfair Rules, Scare Passers-by

A large number of mostly African-American youths gathered across the street from Mayfair Mall recently in order to protest the new rules at the mall, and to scare anyone who ventured too close to their “gang.” The mall has vowed to keep youngsters out of the mall because of increased crime when they are allowed in, but the protesters have deemed the rules as unnecessary. “What the mall needs to do is hire folks from the community to help control the children,” said one youth counselor. “Those kids trust us more than some cracka-ass security guard.”

Some of the youth held signs that read “Being young is not a crime,” while others made aggressive gestures with their hands at cars that drove by. At one point, a protester yelled, “Yeah, go into the mall with your mama!” at an SUV that was turning into the mall parking lot. After nearly an hour of protesting, a small contingent began a rap-battle, wherein youngsters lamented their not being allowed to congregate in the mall: “Yeah, yeah, I said the man got me down, the man got me down/ he think I be all clownin around/ like they gotsta mace me/ when I’s shoppin at Macy’s/ lookin fo my gat, lookin fo my gat/ Mr. Officer don’t know where it at/ so don’t mean-mug me, don’t gimme no smack/ or I’ll cap yo ass outside Janie and Jack./ And now it’s time to let us in, bitch/ Gotta get me some Abercrombie and Fitch.”

When the cameras from the local news outlets showed up, the youths who were gathered around the rap battlers all ran furiously towards the cameras and started jumping up and down behind one reporter. Leaders from such groups as the Urban Underground and the Running Rebels conducted interviews with local news reporters. When asked by Real Wisconsin News if they had any association with the Digital Underground or the Confederate Army, they seemed confused, and restated their talking points, namely that if the youth are not allowed in Mayfair, they will have no choice but to hang out on the streets and commit crimes. “Back when I was in high school,” said one leader, “I was able to hang out at Capitol Court, and then also at Northridge. We just want these young people to have the same opportunities we had back then.”

Wauwatosa Begins New Era in Bubbler Labeling

Along with its controversial ban on smoking in all public buildings, Wauwatosa will soon implement further guides as to who can do what where. The recent labeling of certain bubblers at Wauwatosa West High School was the first in a series of moves that will help guide its residents on how to behave.

Two bubblers sitting side by side were labeled “White” on one and “Colored” on the other, allowing students to know which one was for which purpose. The “White” bubbler has been deemed the one for spitting out chewing tobacco into, while the “Colored” bubbler is to be used for cooling students off on hot days. Another bubbler in the school that is all metal and has a push-bar in the front will be labeled “Retard” and meant for people who cannot twist handles. A fourth bubbler, labeled “Teachers,” is motion-sensor activated and meant for lazy staff members. A gold and jewel-encrusted water cooler with water imported from France in the main office reads “Administration.”

Similar labeling of devices and facilities will begin throughout the city. The tennis courts at Hart Park will have a sign displaying, “Household income over $100,000,” while the football field there will display a sign that reads, “GPA under 3.0.” Our Redeemer Lutheran Church and School has created a sign that reads, “Heaven-bound Lutherans only.” Mo’s Irish Pub plans on a “Parking for Irish people only” sign for their crowded parking lot. Many local gas stations will also post “Supporters of Terrorism” signs on their pumps.

Some critics of the new signage policies in Wauwatosa see it as an overextension of the new rules being implemented against smoking, as well as at Mayfair Mall to help control crime. Youngsters skipping classes from Wauwatosa West are frustrated with new rules and signs that cripple their ability to shoplift and intimidate old ladies. These teens are not allowed into the mall without the supervision of an adult, which some call “ageism” and others call “intelligent.” While business and public places may benefit from the new rules, one can’t help but wonder how well the new Culver’s marquee that reads “Fatties Welcome” will go over.

Chronic Wasting Disease not so Bad Says Local Hunter

CWD Near Waukesha County Not a Problem

Gus Tredinger has declared that Chronic Wasting Disease is not as bad as many seem to believe. In fact, according to him, it’s quite tasty, and the meat of infected deer tends to be more succulent. “I just don’t know what all hub-bub’s about,” he said while buying ammunition and deer food at a local sporting goods store. “I’ve eaten deer my whole life, and I don’t have any chronic signs of wasting away.”

The disease itself is always fatal in deer and is caused by proteinaceous infectious particles. Affected deer are adults, and they tend to have symptoms such as listlessness, blank facial expression, and repetitive walking in set patterns, not unlike the hunters who hunt them. According to Tredinger, this makes the deer easy targets. “They just walk back and forth in front of you asking to get shot,” he quipped. “I put them out of their misery and they feed my family.”

While no proof exists that the disease can be transferred to humans, some in the public health sector have pointed to Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease and Mad-Cow Disease in humans as evidence for avoiding infected deer. However, only 120 people have ever contracted the Mad-Cow variant of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, and they have all been in Europe. “Think about it,” Gus said, “Europe’s a big country, and every one of those people died doing what they love—eating beef. I’d consider myself lucky if I died because of something I love, like getting shot by a friend in our ambush crossfire sector of the woods. Or getting thrown from my ATV after hanging out with my buddies at the watering hole. Or even eating an infected 12 pointer and having my brain melt while I’m still alive.”

The Wisconsin DNR and the World Health Organization have issued warnings to avoid eating tissues from the brain, spinal cord, eyes, spleen, tonsils and lymph nodes, since that’s where the disease resides. A spokesman for the Wisconsin DNR confirmed that Wisconsin has had no cases of hunters or their families coming down with any Chronic Wasting Disease symptoms, but he did assert that a number of hunters do die each year while slamming their ATVs or snowmobiles into trees after drinking. While driving into trees or onto thin ice may be signs of poor decision making, no evidence exists to link this behavior to the deer hunters eat.

Shorewood High School Fight Proves Schools Need Change

Poor Fighting Style a Sign of Inadequate Training

Two students who ‘took it outside’ at Shorewood high school really should have left it in the lunchroom, because the fight was a demonstration of ridiculous fighting styles and poor sportsmanship. If this is not addressed at local high schools immediately, our nation’s youth will never learn how to conduct themselves appropriately. The videotape of the fight shows two students who apparently have some score to settle, perchance the white youngster received his ungainly haircut from the black child’s mother. Or maybe someone was mean-mugging someone’s bitch. Really, the reason for the fight is irrelevant, as was the result, though it does make for humorous video.

The trash-talking leading up to the fight is amateur at best. No mama jokes. No real egging-on. Just a “get it on, get it on” and a “swing white boy, swing” chant yelled by one student. The white student holds up his fists to protect his chest, leaving his body and face open to any shots. A young lady decides to act as referee, which is simply unnecessary in a fight of this nature. A ‘second’ appears for each combatant at some point, as well as a few more ‘shorties,’ while most of the crowd stays nearer to the school building.

When the white boy finally does swing, he seems to throw an underhanded right, not an uppercut or a jab per se, just an honest-to-God underhanded punch, thrown like he is a junior bowler, and, of course, leaving his entire body open to a counter-punch. Of course, he receives no quick counter that could have ended the fight. Rather, the black student grabs him by the head and throws a few right crosses as they begin to roll around. The white boy peppers the black boy with kidney shots akin to the love-taps my wife gives me when I snore too loudly, and the two youngsters roll around a bit, obviously distracted by their inadequate loose-fitting fighting attire.

At some point, as the fight is getting nowhere, two of the shorties decide to kick the white boy. Well, deserved, I’d say, as he threw the first ‘punch’ and now wants to hold on like it’s a slow dance. The white boy is likely not injured by any of the girls hitting him, except for maybe his pride, but that pride is fairly messed up by the black kid’s slap-punches to his face.

The best action of the fight takes place as the white boy tries to flee and actually is able to flip the black boy over as he gives chase. This leads to overhand rights thrown at one another and lots of shirt-grabbing. The punches are very slow and timed like a Michael Richards joke. The white boy eventually tumbles back to the ground and tries a ‘kip-up,’ but fails at that too. Then someone turns on the police lights and everyone scatters like cockroaches along your kitchen baseboards.

Are we teaching our young men to fight like this in schools today? Improper stance, inefficient offense, non-existent defense, females allowed to join in, lethargic effort. You can blame wrestling on TV or too many video games, but the fact of the matter is that these kids couldn’t go into a nursing home and win against a World War II vet. It’s not like you get little video game paddles to control fighting in real life, sonny-boy. Our youth need to learn how to jab to keep their opponents honest. They need to learn how to throw combinations, body-shots, and the occasional uppercut. And by all means, they need to learn how to hit with both hands, and not just hold and hit. Sure, this might look fun on TV, and we can all laugh at the two clowns from Shorewood who fight like fruitcakes, but do you think the Chinese are teaching their kids to fight like this? If our country’s parents don’t have the time to teach their kids even basic fight techniques, then our schools must step in and stress the importance of being able to do something with your hands.

Bucks to Form All-Circus Team

The Milwaukee Bucks, in the hopes of drawing more fans, are in the process of acquiring a team that may not be able to compete on the court, but certainly will entertain people. The team will begin trading for players that are considered to be freaks of nature, or at least of basketball. Their recent acquisition of 5’5’’ Earl Boykins is the first in a string of trades that will create what is known as a theme-team. Just as the Harlem Globetrotters train mediocre players to dribble basketballs off referees’ heads and throw buckets of water on unsuspecting fans, the Milwaukee Bucks will also create a buzz when they travel through the NBA as they build their record book roster. While some may call them the freaks of the league, the Bucks front office is simply referring to the new team as team representing all of society. “The players will represent the dreams and sometimes nightmares of fans worldwide, and we will create an interesting brand of basketball for a city that is used to embracing all walks of life,” was the official word from the organization.

Larry Krystkowiak will soon be joined on the bench by Curly Neal, and current player Mo Williams will stay on the roster in order to create a Three Stooges subplot. The team has also confirmed the purchase of a “short bus” that the players will ride in for the games. The bus will have a magic window that opens up so fans can see in, and the team has hired Busdriver Bob from The Doodlebops television program to drive. The half-time entertainment for each game will also arrive with the team on the bus, which will be equipped with bubble and smoke machines.

Some players under consideration include:

Earl Boykins—shortest current NBA player
Manute Bol, Gheorghe Muresan, or Shawn Bradley—tallest
Danny Schayes or son—Jewish
Shareef Abdur-Rahim or Tariq Abdul-Wahad—Muslim
Tyrone Hill—ugliest
Rasheed Wallace—most penalized
Dennis Rodman—?
John Amaechi—“man in the middle, on top, or on bottom”
Tracy McGrady—most cross-eyed
Eduardo Najera—Mexican
Steve Nash—Canadian
Oliver Miller--Fattest

21 Arrested in Protest of Army Recruiting Station to Join Fight in Iraq

Twenty-one protesters were arrested outside of an Army recruiting center on Oakland Avenue, and they have all decided to join the Army. Apparently, the techniques used were seen as so innovative that the Army offered the protesters a chance to use their abilities for the good of the war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sgt. Lawrence Steel of the US Army said, “They used their advantage to their advantage--just the kind of thing we like to see in the Army. And their methods were unorthodox, which means they carry the element of surprise.”

Apparently, the protesters threw paint and smoke bombs as they approached the recruiting center, a maneuver likely meant to disguise their numbers. Sgt. Steel confirms that this is the first time he has heard of thrown paint as a terror technique. “The approach was made in multiple columns, with smoke and paint disguising their moves,” recounted Steel. “The ski masks were a nice touch because we were not able to identify them. And the coup de grâce was the human waste thrown through our window. Nothing says ‘back off’ like someone’s crap being thrown at you. And the fact that they were carrying torches...the psychological effect of them getting medieval on us was simply ingenious. It was like the local peasants attacking Frankenstein's castle."

Military officials say the protesters will be employed as a crack force used to infiltrate neighborhoods in Baghdad where uniformed soldiers face constant gunfire. The protesters will be sent in with smoke bombs, stink bombs, brass knuckles, pet monkeys, gallons of paint, megaphones, torches, and lots of human waste in order to defeat terrorist factions. “The protesters operated a lot like the terrorists we see overseas,” admitted Steel, “and we think their lack of organization, lack of purpose, and lack of sense will really help them confuse the enemy. Anyhow, it’s worth a shot, since, off the record, not much else is working.”

Suite Life of Brewers Fans Should not be Interrupted

By Dan Brubus

I pay a lot of money to have a luxury suite at Milwaukee Brewers games, or should I say the company that pays me what I’m worth pays a lot for the suite. I say that the rich and famous of Milwaukee deserve to flush whatever they want into the river because we keep the city afloat. I was told that the suites are responsible for the raw sewage being dumped into the river, and that the restrooms may not be available for opening day. That’s simply outrageous! I have some very important Taiwaneese businessmen coming to the game to see Hong-Chih Kuo play and possibly sign a multi-million dollar deal for me, and there is no way they are going to use a port-a-pot so some tree-hugging enviro-nazis can limit the waste in the river.

What most of the wackos out there don’t understand is that this entire region depends on the income generated by successful people like myself, and a few more thousands of gallons of waste isn’t going to ruin anything important in the ecosystem. Have you ever seen how big Lake Michigan is while flying in your private jet over it? I thought not. However, the fact remains that the lake is big enough to handle the liquor-tainted piss from a few important people in order to grease the wheels of progress.

I’m not just thinking of myself and my promotion here. We could become the global headquarters if this deal goes well, and that means more people wanting to buy dilapidated farmland to put up million dollar homes. Of course, tree-huggers often oppose that sort of progress as well, but that’s no surprise, because most of those granola-eaters probably want economic decline in the region so they can go back to a simpler way of living. How much more simple can you get than pissing in the river, I ask? Honestly, it’s what the river is there for. Ashes to ashes, people! When I need to change my oil, do I waste my valuable time dumping the old oil off at the auto parts store after the loser neighbor kid changes it? Hell no—that’s what the sewer in front of my house is for. When it snows, do I break my back shoveling it? Not a chance—that’s what salt is for. And when I finish using chemical bottles, do I go hang out with the low-lifes at the dump to dispose of it? Not in my leather-upholstered vehicle—that’s what the fire pit is for. And should the Brewers fall to pressure from a small minority of people who think they need to clean up? Not if they want my money!

Wisconsin Farmers Prepare for Brave New Warm World

In response to a study published in Florence, Italy, stating that global warming will make Italy less of a wine-growing country, Wisconsin farmers have begun to discuss what that means to agriculture here. The climate is expected to change over the next few decades, and the state may benefit from being prepared for that change. Apparently, a stong possibility exists that Wisconsin would inherit the climate of the Tuscan Coast, and people all over the state are preparing.

Sales for scooters have gone up in recent years, but are expected to spike with the new climate change confirmation. Farmers, long favoring four wheelers, are also expected to use these Vespas more often. Actually, Vespas will come in handy on the newly resized American farms, as the average Italian farm only measures 17 acres.A number of pubs in the heartland are planning on being converted to discos to satisfy the new need for those types of establishments. Also, local gyms are expecting to see an influx of male members. The fishing industry has become interested in the probable changes in behavior, and they plan on having more open-air fish markets in port cities, with an expectation that people will eat fish on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Wisconsinites are expected to shift their tastes for large motorcycles and family sedans to beautifully-designed sport bikes, sports cars, and vinyl pants. In order to enjoy some of these new passions, Wisconsinites will begin taking one-and-a-half to two-hour lunch breaks, which is also enough time to take on a lover—this is more French than Italian, but who cares! Men from Wisconsin are expected to develop a taste for beautiful women, as well, and that means a major recruiting effort is currently underway. Men will use pick-up lines like, “You so beautiful! You come to my flat and I paint you. Bellisima!”

Women are expected to start buying more gold jewelry. Lots of it. Women will also benefit from the new sense of love the men will feel for their mamas. Citizens may develop strange desires to listen to John Denver music and wear 80s high tops.

Farmers will cultivate fields of vineyards, as well as lots of olive trees. They may also grow fruits and vegetables more commonly associated with the Mediterranean region, like Romaine lettuce. Farmers also plan on renting out their homes to tourists by calling them “country villas.” Overall, people in Wisconsin will make less money but be generally happier, except when they have to kill large cockroach-like creatures that will share their homes once the winter freeze disappears.

UW Professor Makes Closing Statements About Hmong

Could a law professor lose his job for making fun of Hmong people? That’s the question UW-Madison officials will tackle soon, as the case of what a professor named Kaplan said about the Hmong during a lecture recently. The question isn’t whether or not his remarks were accurate, but whether or not he has the right to say them. Let’s put it right out there: he is accused of saying that Hmong men only know how to kill things and that their sons tend to be in gangs, or to be more accurate, we’ll quote the quote of an email quote: “’ Hmong men have no talent other than to kill,’" "’all-second generation Hmong end up in gangs and other criminal activity’" and "’all men purchase their wives, so if he wants to have sex with his wife and she doesn't consent, you and I call it rape, but the Hmong guy is thinking, 'Man, I paid too much for her!' ‘" (Please, any representatives of MLA or APA, help us out here.)

While on the surface, these remarks seem insensitive, especially for a professor from Madison, but what Dr. K was doing was really quoting what other people tend to say about the Hmong, which sort of makes the quote we printed a quote of a quote of a quote in an email quote. Or, as lawyers might say, hearsay. Haven’t we all watched enough re-runs of Perry Mason at our grandmas’ to know that hearsay is not admissible in court? We would need actual evidence, like OJ’s team got on that Mark Fuhrman guy, that Kaplan is in fact racist and not just another Jewish lawyer who stuck his leathern footgear in his mouth before making a sacrifice of burnt offerings. Just because Marty (I’ll just assume his name’s Marty) was ribbing on the Hmong does not mean he’s a bigot at all. In fact, because he’s Jewish, he cannot be a bigot—it’s against his religion. He also probably hates himself, which might explain why he called himself a schmuck after the lecture in question. Wait, his name could be Saul or Ira. Is Ira short for something? I bet Jews name their kids Saul as sort of a jab against Christians like Mel Gibson because that was Paul’s name when he was busy killing Christians, wasn’t it? How about that Mel Gibson, though! What did you really expect from a country full of criminals? He got his first acting job as Mad Max because he was hung over and that’s what the Australian film industry was looking for in their one and only hit movie. Did you know that there are only about six million Jews in the United States? That’s the whole freakin country, and I’ve had three Jewish doctors and a Jewish lawyer, and every single film in Hollywood is Kosher. You know we’ve got 50,000 Hmong in Wisconsin and we’re second only to California? Same thing with milk production. Probably no correlation, but interesting, no? Milwaukee was second to San Francisco for per capita homosexuals for a while, and the Milwaukee County Zoo was once ranked second after the San Diego Zoo. Actually, that’s probably why no one else in the country even cares about this story—they’re like, what in tarnation is a Hmong? I guess they’re kinda like the Kurds in Iraq because they did some work to help America out and then were left to deal with it after we pulled out, and then we’re like, “Come to Wisconsin and California, the lands of milk and honey, and that will make up for your efforts.”

The problem with digressing, as a professor or a journalist, is that you don’t exactly stick to the point. By the way, there are only 28,000 Jews in Wisconsin, so if we get some sort of Jew versus Hmong war going on, my money’s on the Hmong, especially since so many of them are hunters, fishers, or boobie-trap makers. And when you don’t stick to the point, you make all kinds of points that might not be relevant, you might even offend, and you’ll look like a shlemil. Actually, we could fit all the state’s Hmong in Wauwatosa and all the Jews in South Milwaukee and let them hurl insults at each other. And since gay people make up between one an ten percent of our state’s population, they could all be sent to Green Bay (heretofore known as Green Gay) to cheer on the Packers (there’s a joke for you, junior), or sent to Madison to cheer on the communist professors.

The problem with professors in general is that none of them know how to teach, so they tend to make outlines of what they know, and then proceed to either stick those up on an overhead or just talk about their outlines and tell a megillah to fill the rest of the time. And professors keep their jobs by writing crap no one besides other professors reads, so they really don’t have a grasp of reality, or their own profession for which they profess. Which leads back to Kaplan, who is supposed to teach the students in Madison to become lawyers… people who lie in order to win, and who should know at all times to consider the audience. The fact that this teacher looked out at a crowd of twenty with at least three Asian faces in it, and still went of on some sort of tirade about Hmongs (even if it was satire) means that he clearly could use a little help in the act of being a lawyer, which might explain why he’s teaching in college and not winning big cases in the courtroom. Anyway, I say we give the shlep another chance. I just saw his name, and it’s Lenny, so any one of us could be wrong…just keep that in mind the next time you want to cast the first stone. Ah, the khutspe of some people!

Zorro Unmasked After Botched Rescue of Maiden from Casa de Culo

The Dons have finally done what seemed to be impossible. They have captured the great Zorro after he attempted to save a woman he believed was being raped. The entire situation, however, appears to have been an elaborate trap. Zorro, sitting in his Oconomowoc apartment, eating Cheetos and playing World of Warcraft, heard the sounds of a maiden in distress. Of course, the great hero of the people rushed immediately to his neighbor’s dwelling, romantically smashed down the door, and wielded his mighty sword to rescue the poor woman.
Zorro’s neighbor, however, sheathed his own sword and chased the surprised hero back to his hideout, one floor below. The maiden in distress was but a common harlot in the throws of ecstasy, on DVD no less. And the neighbor was none other than Zorro’s arch-nemesis Montero. The District Attorney will surely prosecute Zorro for crimes against the ruling families of the region.

I Am Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter’s Father

I know there is a lot of confusion as to the true father of little Dannielynn. After much consideration, I must come forward. I am Dannielynn’s father. It was September 1998 and I was in college at Florida International University. Being a broke college student, I did the only thing reasonable to make money, I went to the sperm bank. At the time, they were paying $100 per shot. I figured I was good for three or four bills. While filling out the paperwork, I indicated I was an economist who resembled a young J. Howard Marshall, the brilliant billionaire who helped design the former President Bush’s economic policy. Little did I expect Anna to hop on my impressive sperm résumé. Ironically enough, I took a gander at early 90s Playboy magazines while getting the little soldier up for reveille, so in many ways, Anna Nicole and I shared a special moment under the fluorescent lights, bathed in the scent of rubbing alcohol.

Sorry Moby, Howard K. Prince von Anhalt, Mr. Denk, and Mark, DNA test will prove conclusively that I, RD88291, am the real father. I am coming forward not for the sake of the baby, but for the inheritance. Dannielynn carries with her a prize that makes my statement worth the benefit of my humiliation over the cost of my desperation. If only I had enough money to get plastered that fateful September evening, none of this would have come out. I am not proud, but now I am at least rich.Due to the suggestion of my lawyer, I am not giving my name and prefer to be left anonymously as RD88291. I am told this is best for both my family and me. Dannielynn will join a family of alcohol-consuming drug addicts who love to party. I am sure Anna will be proud of Dannielynn’s new home, as we seem to fit Anna’s infamous lifestyle. In another life we might have been soul-mates, but alas she was merely the receptacle for my wealthy offspring’s incubation. Don’t worry Anna, I’ll make sure Dannielynn stays off the Methadone, Lexapro and Zoloft; the rest is up to her.