Principles of Science: Why the Douchebag gene cannot be eliminated from the population.

by Dr. Tom

Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps recording Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees [or Minnesota Vikings, depending on crowd]?”. These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?

Darwin’s theory of natural selection is simple. If the female peacock has three mates from which to choose – one with blue plumage, one with red plumage, and one who calls himself a vegetarian despite eating chicken and fish, she will choose either of the first two, for colorful plumage is a desirable characteristic for peacocks, whereas pompous insincerity is not. After all, nobody wants to hear that shit. Over time, these jackasses are less able to find mates, their genes do not get passed along, and eventually these behaviors have left the population.

Humans have had over 50 million years to evolve, and we know douchebags have been a scourge on human existence dating back to the early Egyptian kingdoms after the Rosetta Stone allowed researchers to determine that the phalli with hairy balls scratched in the back of the Great Sphynx of Giza were not, in fact, hieroglyphics. So we know it is not a question of not having enough time to evolve.

[Editors Note: Even if you are one of those douchebags that believes in intelligent design, there remains an inconsistency. One can only help but conclude that no righteous God would ever smite the world with a plague of douchebags. Does God consider this design ‘intelligent’?? We must search for other reasons.]

Douchebags could mate selectively with each other to pass down these characteristics, but given the length of time in question, this would have lead to the development of a separate species. By selectively mating together, the genetic material of these helmets would concentrate with each successive generation until they would be incapable of mating with the rest of us [The principle of Divergent Evolution]. The baboon at the zoo picking his ass would not be the gentleman in front of you at Pick n’ Save. Humans have been evolving for over 50 million years – plenty of time for the gene which propulses some dipshit to book Elton John for Harleyfest to have been eliminated from the population.

The principles of genetics
We return now to conundrum of the dicktard flailing his arms and legs in front of you at Summerfest, knocking over your beer in an attempt to impress a skeptical potential mate.
There has certainly been sufficient time for evolution to have had an effect, and we can see that he will not be mating… So why has this behavior has not evolved out?

The answer lies in genetics. The impulse which causes people to fart in an elevator is a phenotype caused by our genes. Genes are passed to offspring through the individual chromosomes of the parents. Humans have two chromosomes, each with the gene for a particular characteristic. Only one of the genes that controls a behavior or characteristic – e.g. whether an individual runs for governor - will be expressed In genetic parlance the chromosome most likely to be expressed is called “dominant” with the other being labeled “recessive”. Let us label this politician gene “d” for douchebag. There are three possible combinations in the parent generation.


The first, homozygous autosomal dominant DD is a normal person. In the second, the dominant “D” gene selects again for a normal person in the heterozygote. It is only the last combination, homozygous recessive “dd” that you see driving 48 in the left hand lane.

In the process of meiosis, each parent will donate only one of their chomosomes. We therefore see the following possibilities in the progeny generation:

For the homozygous autosomal dominant (DD):
DD x DD à DD for all children [all normal]
DD x Dd à DD (50%), Dd, (50%) [all normal]
DD x dd à Dd for all children [all normal]

For the heterozygote (Dd):
Dd x DD à DD (50%), dD (50%) [all normal]
Dd x Dd à DD (25%), Dd (50%), dd (25%) [75% normal, quarter asswipe]
Dd x dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [half asswipe]

And lastly for homozygous retarded (dd):
dd x DD à Dd for all children [all normal]
dd x Dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [50% refer to themselves in 3rd person]
dd x dd à dd for all children [and also inherit Hilton estate]

Even assuming that no reasonable individual mates with one of these [dd] jackasses, the presence of the hidden recessive “d” gene in the asymptomatic carriers [Dd heterozygote] allows for two seemingly normal individuals to give birth to Tom Cruise or Terrell Owens. And this end result is why you spend so much time at the DMV.

Depressing as this is, the scientific community continues to work tirelessly to develop in utero tests via amniocentesis that would allow for diagnosis of the douchebag gene before birth. There are also several phase II trials studying the effect of a novel pharmaceutical agent debaginase douchopranol as a potential treatment modality. The company behind development is trying to scale-up research & development in preparation for the 2008 U.S. presidential primaries.

American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: Sure, We Don’t Want Iran to Have Nukes, But Why Not Our Used F-14s?

by Dan Brubus

Capitalism always wins. Pure and simple. America developed the F-14 Tomcat over many years. It was used to keep the world safe, but now it’s time to sell the leftovers to the highest bidder. Yes, the highest bidder does happen to be on my short list of countries I’d like to see blown up by next year, but we can benefit from their desire to bolster their military before we crush them. We should sell F-14 Tomcats to Iran because we have the greatest military on earth and our treasury could use the cash to help fund the war on terror.

We really do not have anything to worry about when we sell our old weapons to other countries, since we have the best-trained, most expensive military on the planet. The reason why the F-14s are available is because they are retired. When you retire your POS Toyota, do you let it sit there in the garage or say you’re only going to sell it to a museum? Some Demon-crats in congress want us to do just that: not sell our old junk to other countries in need to military equipment and willing to pay top-dollar. It’s not like an F-14 is going to go to some recycling center run by hippies so they can produce hemp necklace clasps out of the fuselage. Haven’t you ever heard of production for use? Weapons are produced to be used, not to be housed in various museums. And if we can no longer use the weapon, then it must be sold to recoup some of the production cost, and if it happens to be used by the nation to whom we sell the weapon, then the cycle has been fulfilled, and everyone should be happy.

Even if the weapons produced for the American government through private industry bids end up in the hands of our enemies, or even members of the Axis of Evil, the cycle is still intact, and we will simply have to buy better weapons from those companies to deal with the ones we sold to said enemy, and the economy booms because we need new weapons. In the unfortunate event a war occurs, American companies will be poised to make money on the front-end, back-end, our side, and their side. Once again, capitalism always wins.

So it’s established that the American military cannot be defeated, even by our own old weapons, and we realize that money can be made from selling weapons, and even from fighting against the countries that buy the weapons. We can make enough money from sales of F-14 parts alone to all but end the war on terror. If we sold more grenades, land mines, and M-16s to weapons dealers, we could probably track down Osama Bin Laden in no time at all. The decision to continue selling our old weapons to the highest bidder is a complete no-brainer, which means even Hillary Clinton should be able to support it, because our economy benefits from every aspect of selling our old weapons, and, once again, capitalism always wins.