Sallie Mae Subject of Unfair Criticism

By Ewe Benjamin Dover

For the past several years, SLM Corporation, better known by its flowery fresh moniker Sallie Mae, has been the subject of increasing negativism. Anti-capitalist Chinese red commi sympathizers, from our very own sea to shining sea, have accused sweet Sallie as being less than nice in her lending practices. As a result, whiny sniveling college student mush brains and recent college graduates feeling sorry for themselves, now that they have to get a job, have taken their complaints to the streets. Bruce Rossman, a recent UW-Milwaukee graduate, after another night of getting snubbed on Brady Street commented, “Ohhhhh, that Sallie is a mean bitch!” Really? This PRO-capitalist, PRO-American writer thinks that Sallie is one of the sweetest most consumer friendly corporate citizens to ever grace our sacred land. She stands right next to the misunderstood Enron, labor friend Walmart and altruistic Halliburton in the pantheon of great American companies. Shameless self-motivated puppets of the far-left pro-education movement accuse Sallie Mae of all sorts of preposterous malfeasances. Constantly complaining about lost and not received paperwork. Then griping about fines and fees imposed when the not received paperwork isn’t processed. Sallie points out that the problems lie with the U.S. Post Office, malfunctioning fax machines and email servers. She also reiterates that the fees could have been avoided if the forms and paperwork has just been in on time. Another complaint falls in the realm of the completely absurd. Loan takers suggest that Sallie’s unwillingness to work with borrowers is due to a conflict of interest. They imply that since Sallie has entered the collections business her actions have become more predatory. That’s silly talk. Sallie has maintained the same level of predation for years. She’s just now found more effective methods of revenue generation. When you consider that interest is all Sallie wants how could she be accused of a confict of interest. Poor, poor Sallie, I weep for you.
Many people also have the gall to point out that the “one consolidation and one consolidation only rule” has been very unfair to borrowers who have been unable to take advantage of falling interest rates. They imply that Sallie uses her multi-million dollar lobby to harm citizens in order to preserve a rule that would in any other circumstances be illegal under consumer protection laws. They cry that HR-2505, which would allow borrowers to refinance at prevailing lower interest rates, somehow keeps failing to reach the votes necessary in the Congress to relieve some of the pressure on their young lives. Folks, take it up with your Senator, Sallie is just a company. Companies don’t run the United States.Ingrate hippies also point to some sort of irony now that Sallie offers mortgage refinancing yet still refuses to re-consolidate already consolidated federally insured student loans. Frankly, I fail to see their point. Why on earth would Sallie Mae refinance a federally insured loan to a better interest rate, when she can have people collateralize the loan with their houses at a higher interest rate when they run out of forbearance? It’s just common business sense people. Through it all, our dear Sallie Mae has not wavered. This bastion of American capitalism has gallantly stood up to the criticism by continuing to pursue her altruistic business strategy of giving young adults all the tools of leveraging their future earnings at above market interest rates. So though some so-called ethicists question Sallie’s methods, who can dispute this fact? And really, why do “ethicists” exist, anyhow? Think about it, the market will dictate ethics, just as it dictates foreign and domestic policy.Sallie Mae now administers more than a $140 billion in student loan debt. Debt that is necessary to promote the common good of our great nation.

Senator Herb Kohl Finally Admits: “I’m Straight”

Videotaped Confession Trounces RumorsWhile he may look great in an expensive suit, Herb Kohl finally admitted Tuesday that he is, in fact, straight. This revelation may come as a surprise to the homosexual community and the Shepherd Express, but actual footage of the senator admitting his orientation can be seen as well in some older Milwaukee Bucks video footage obtained by Real Wisconsin News. In the footage, Big Dog Glenn Robinson asks Senator Kohl if he’d like a sip of his Kool Aide, and Senator Kohl clearly states, “No thanks, Dog. I’m straight.” Big Dog seems to answer with, “I gotcha, big man.”Senator Kohl has placed himself firmly back in the closet with the “I’m straight” admission, and has never made any statements to negate this evidence. In fact, back in 1993, Senator Kohl proclaimed that he was neither a gay man nor a lesbian, which only leaves straight man or straight woman as his options.Rumors about Kohl's flirtations are also baseless. Men and women alike were turned on by Don Nelson yelling at players and ruggedly conducting a tractor around the state, so we cannot come to any conclusions based on Kohl's rumored crush. There simply is no body of evidence to suggest that Senator Herb Kohl does not get completely turned on by Energee, the Milwaukee Bucks dance team, just like the rest of us, men and women alike.

Brett Favre - An All-time Great: Let Us Not Count The Ways Just Yet

by BeavA couple of springs ago, I was killing time before a Brewer’s spring training game at a casino in Arizona (and of course breaking even). I had beaten up on a particular player during a friendly 3-6 limit hold’em game when that player started making fun of the Packers- he had noticed the belt to chin green and gold “G” on my black t-shirt somehow. He was about that observant in his card playing as well, so I guess I knew where he was going to go with his football chatter. He laid into Brett Favre- what a surprise. Somehow he thought that would throw me off my game, and as much of a Brett Favre fan as I am, he didn’t know that I have long since gotten over the twenty or thirty percent of football observers who just don’t have a clue about, well, really don’t have a clue about anything football or even sports related (was I light on that percentage). He told me how vastly over-rated Brett Favre was and how virtually every QB in the NFL was better, including John Kitna, Michael Vick and Jake Plummer (good players no doubt, but come on). At Jake Plummer I just had to laugh at him, tell him how funny a guy he was and let him know that he was about to lose some more money.I didn’t bother to give that guy many of the thousand or so statistical reasons why Brett Favre is an All-time Great player. I know most of those stats, including the winning percentage, touchdowns, touchdown to interception ratio, completions, yards, etc. etc. etc… You see, statistics don’t make great players that we remember; great players make statistics that we remember. Statistics are like trees, the types of stats let you know that you are in a particular realm of performance, like the type of tree lets you know what kind of forest you are in. All the numbers can let us know is that Favre is somewhere in the forest of greatness.What I mostly talked to this card competitor about was Brett Favre, the guy. How Favre in so many ways is just somebody who could be your neighbor- the rich one- but your neighbor nonetheless. A guy who you’d be happy to let into your house when he knocked, or heck, even if he just strolled in. I told him about how Favre had, while in the public eye, dealt with some pretty harsh life realities. Favre dealt with work, fame, pressure and most importantly family issues, with a class and nature that was, in an era of T.O.s and Leons, refreshing at least, and admirable to most. His trials and tribulations were not that different from many of ours, other than he was under the watchful eye of millions of people when he dealt with his. No, Favre will never need to do a reality TV show, he’s already done it.I’m not going to canonize the guy; he did fall to some temptations. A dependency problem- though somewhat understandable due to the level of physical stress and pain he experienced was still a fall- being the one everybody needing an argument against the man makes, including our erstwhile card opponent. Here’s where I always get confused. People who want to argue that Favre isn’t the player he’s cracked up to be, always seem to come back to non-football arguments. I’m a little tired of it, but really, I guess it is what it is- negative people being negative people. I have yet to see one of those people driving in anything particularly nice or living somewhere fantastic or hear them talk about how lucky they are to have good friends or how great their family life is. So, I can only think there is some envy going on. I guess some envy is understandable though. I envy Brett for being better looking then me, a better athlete, making a ton of money, and probably being better spoken.Brett Favre, like all people, I’m sure has his faults. I don’t really know what his faults are, so I don’t bring those things up. I have seen Favre be human in the face of personal and professional troubles and adversity. I have seen him withstand pain. I have seen him donate time and money to people he did not know. I wonder how many “non-likers” of Favre can say they have given like he has, even on a relative level?I have also seen Brett Favre play a game with a level of desire that really emphasizes what sport is supposed to be about- only Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods in my lifetime appear to be on the same level. I have seen a guy who has performed near the top of the NFL for a period longer than all but a few players ever. What I have heard from player after player after player, coach after coach, experienced commentator after experienced commentator, and really almost unanimously by people who are more knowledgeable about football than I even dream to be, is that Brett Favre is one of the ten or so Greatest Players Of All-time. No exceptions, no caveats.Anyway, back to my card game, because I know it’s on your mind. On my last hand before leaving for the Brewer’s game, as the naysayer was smilingly betting six more dollars then proudly flipping over his two pair, I reflected on how happy I was to have been witness to almost all of Brett Favre’s career to that point. Then I flipped over my straight, took the pot money and smiled back at my friendly rival. I’m not sure if I convinced that guy of Favre’s stature as a football player or normalcy as a person. I suspect he’s really a Favre fan. How can you not be? I think he’s just not a fan of losing at cards. When I did leave that day, four of the other players, none from Wisconsin, did take the time to say that they too were fans of Brett Favre for similar reasons as I am.Right now, I can only think of two things before I click save and send. I hope Brett knocks on the door one, or maybe two, more times as a player. And more importantly: Thanks Brett.