I Am Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter’s Father

I know there is a lot of confusion as to the true father of little Dannielynn. After much consideration, I must come forward. I am Dannielynn’s father. It was September 1998 and I was in college at Florida International University. Being a broke college student, I did the only thing reasonable to make money, I went to the sperm bank. At the time, they were paying $100 per shot. I figured I was good for three or four bills. While filling out the paperwork, I indicated I was an economist who resembled a young J. Howard Marshall, the brilliant billionaire who helped design the former President Bush’s economic policy. Little did I expect Anna to hop on my impressive sperm résumé. Ironically enough, I took a gander at early 90s Playboy magazines while getting the little soldier up for reveille, so in many ways, Anna Nicole and I shared a special moment under the fluorescent lights, bathed in the scent of rubbing alcohol.

Sorry Moby, Howard K. Prince von Anhalt, Mr. Denk, and Mark, DNA test will prove conclusively that I, RD88291, am the real father. I am coming forward not for the sake of the baby, but for the inheritance. Dannielynn carries with her a prize that makes my statement worth the benefit of my humiliation over the cost of my desperation. If only I had enough money to get plastered that fateful September evening, none of this would have come out. I am not proud, but now I am at least rich.Due to the suggestion of my lawyer, I am not giving my name and prefer to be left anonymously as RD88291. I am told this is best for both my family and me. Dannielynn will join a family of alcohol-consuming drug addicts who love to party. I am sure Anna will be proud of Dannielynn’s new home, as we seem to fit Anna’s infamous lifestyle. In another life we might have been soul-mates, but alas she was merely the receptacle for my wealthy offspring’s incubation. Don’t worry Anna, I’ll make sure Dannielynn stays off the Methadone, Lexapro and Zoloft; the rest is up to her.

Southridge Mall Becoming Crime-Ridden

Southridge has joined Mayfair as another mall in the area having to deal with serious criminal activity. Hardcore gamblers have moved in and are breaking laws by playing games of chance in back room gambling dens, similar to those in Chicago clubs run by mob bosses like Al Capone.

Recently, Real Wisconsin News sent an undercover reporter to a dimly lit basement in the mall to garner enough evidence to call in Greendale police. What that reporter found was a great menace: elderly women hooked on gambling and eating inexpensive dinners. Some of the women had shifty eyes hidden behind thick glasses. There was a hint of baked goods in the stale basement air, and the spine-tingling sound of candy wrappers could be heard throughout the room. One lady, obviously addicted to gambling and butterscotch-flavored candy, yelled “Bingo!” at some point, and she received a prize in a small box—a trinket meant to pull her deeper and deeper into the seedy underworld of Boston Store Bingo Night.

Walkers were parked next to some of the tables, poised for an escape if the police were to bust the gambling up, and a red strobe light was mounted ominously above the number-reader. At one point, a recording device disguised as a hearing aide made a loud sound, and some of the “girls” looked accusingly at its owner. Many of the women’s hands appeared to be shaking, obviously fearful that their illegal entertainment might be found out at any moment. A man in a suit entered the room at some point and nodded at a few of the ladies, a signal perhaps that a “take” was on. One lady, who appeared to be dozing off, started suddenly and seemed quite frazzled, a clear sign that illicit drug use pervades the clients of this establishment. Near the end of the gambling, two ladies helped a third get up and walked her over to the restroom area, possibly resulting in some sort of shake down. As the gambling parlor closed for the night, malevolent laughter could be heard throughout the room as the women had once again broken the law and satisfied their habitual yearnings.