Bucks to Form All-Circus Team

The Milwaukee Bucks, in the hopes of drawing more fans, are in the process of acquiring a team that may not be able to compete on the court, but certainly will entertain people. The team will begin trading for players that are considered to be freaks of nature, or at least of basketball. Their recent acquisition of 5’5’’ Earl Boykins is the first in a string of trades that will create what is known as a theme-team. Just as the Harlem Globetrotters train mediocre players to dribble basketballs off referees’ heads and throw buckets of water on unsuspecting fans, the Milwaukee Bucks will also create a buzz when they travel through the NBA as they build their record book roster. While some may call them the freaks of the league, the Bucks front office is simply referring to the new team as team representing all of society. “The players will represent the dreams and sometimes nightmares of fans worldwide, and we will create an interesting brand of basketball for a city that is used to embracing all walks of life,” was the official word from the organization.

Larry Krystkowiak will soon be joined on the bench by Curly Neal, and current player Mo Williams will stay on the roster in order to create a Three Stooges subplot. The team has also confirmed the purchase of a “short bus” that the players will ride in for the games. The bus will have a magic window that opens up so fans can see in, and the team has hired Busdriver Bob from The Doodlebops television program to drive. The half-time entertainment for each game will also arrive with the team on the bus, which will be equipped with bubble and smoke machines.

Some players under consideration include:

Earl Boykins—shortest current NBA player
Manute Bol, Gheorghe Muresan, or Shawn Bradley—tallest
Danny Schayes or son—Jewish
Shareef Abdur-Rahim or Tariq Abdul-Wahad—Muslim
Tyrone Hill—ugliest
Rasheed Wallace—most penalized
Dennis Rodman—?
John Amaechi—“man in the middle, on top, or on bottom”
Tracy McGrady—most cross-eyed
Eduardo Najera—Mexican
Steve Nash—Canadian
Oliver Miller--Fattest

21 Arrested in Protest of Army Recruiting Station to Join Fight in Iraq

Twenty-one protesters were arrested outside of an Army recruiting center on Oakland Avenue, and they have all decided to join the Army. Apparently, the techniques used were seen as so innovative that the Army offered the protesters a chance to use their abilities for the good of the war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sgt. Lawrence Steel of the US Army said, “They used their advantage to their advantage--just the kind of thing we like to see in the Army. And their methods were unorthodox, which means they carry the element of surprise.”

Apparently, the protesters threw paint and smoke bombs as they approached the recruiting center, a maneuver likely meant to disguise their numbers. Sgt. Steel confirms that this is the first time he has heard of thrown paint as a terror technique. “The approach was made in multiple columns, with smoke and paint disguising their moves,” recounted Steel. “The ski masks were a nice touch because we were not able to identify them. And the coup de grâce was the human waste thrown through our window. Nothing says ‘back off’ like someone’s crap being thrown at you. And the fact that they were carrying torches...the psychological effect of them getting medieval on us was simply ingenious. It was like the local peasants attacking Frankenstein's castle."

Military officials say the protesters will be employed as a crack force used to infiltrate neighborhoods in Baghdad where uniformed soldiers face constant gunfire. The protesters will be sent in with smoke bombs, stink bombs, brass knuckles, pet monkeys, gallons of paint, megaphones, torches, and lots of human waste in order to defeat terrorist factions. “The protesters operated a lot like the terrorists we see overseas,” admitted Steel, “and we think their lack of organization, lack of purpose, and lack of sense will really help them confuse the enemy. Anyhow, it’s worth a shot, since, off the record, not much else is working.”