Milwaukee Journal Sentinel to be Written Entirely by Community Columnists

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel plans to announce that its entire news staff will be replaced by the community columnists it has been using in its editorial section because of the popularity of the concept. A press release indicated that readership numbers have increased since the pilot program of using real Milwaukee-area writers began. These writers use little or no research and have no ethical responsibility for what they write, but the readers have seen the articles as more interesting than the normal news.
The community columnists will continue to report on actual news events, but they will offer their take on the situation rather than ask people involved in the story. Credible sources like Fox News will be used for most of the Journal Sentinel’s national and international stories, unless a community columnist has recently traveled to one of the places mentioned in the news.
Journalism professors from local colleges held a sparsely-attended press conference to denounce the new method of reporting, but the Journal Sentinel defended its decision. The paper said it has a responsibility to its shareholders and advertisers to sell newspapers, not to accurately report the news, citing the television and radio “news” programs as examples of how news has changed over the years. If readers want to read a blog by a high school freshman instead of an investigative report on the deep sewer project, then the blog wins, the paper affirmed. “This is a democratic nation,” one editor noted, “and as such, we want to give every uneducated hack a chance at writing for us. We’re just appealing to the lowest common denominator here anyhow. And that denominator is pretty low, so get ready for some interesting reporting.”
Community columnists are not expected to sit through long public policy hearings or sift through legal documents. Rather, they will ask someone else what happened and generate an opinion based on that information, just as most Americans do with local and national news entertainment as it is. “No one watches FOX News to learn anything new. Rather, they want their own convictions affirmed. We can provide that at the Journal Sentinel, as well.”
Editors will keep their jobs, mostly to edit grammatical errors, and fact checking will no longer be necessary. However, all of the current sections will still exist. The Cue section will be expanded to include more Hollywood gossip and photos. The Sports section will also be expanded, along with other popular sections, like letters to the editor, which will now only be accepted via email. Journalists are expected to move on to more lucrative public relations jobs in the corporate world, and they may very well write “articles” for the new Business section, which will allow business-generated content to be published as it is submitted, without the annoying “Special Advertising Section” tag. The plan, according to the newspaper, is to allow people to decide what is truth and what is propaganda throughout the paper.

War Criminals Beware: The United States is on the Job

by Dan Brubus
Saddam Hussein has finally paid for his crimes against our government and way of life with his recent execution. Hussein also deserved to die for crimes against his own people, the people of Iraq, whom we hold so very dear. Yes, free Iraqi people everywhere, we stand with you in your desire to destroy your tyrannical overlord, who caused you much pain, death, and destruction. Americans everywhere can rejoice that a known supporter of corrupt government leaders is finally dead, and so can the Iraqis who were free to convict Saddam for being an evil-doer.
Luckily, the world will learn from this unfortunate situation that wherever injustice reigns, the United States will invade, help build a new government, and carry out proper punishments for anyone who disobeys international war rules. No other way exists to take down war criminals, and yes it is a big responsibility, but we are up to the task, because we believe international war crimes should be prosecuted by a jury of peers or American military personnel who can decide which war crimes are wrong and which wartime decisions are appropriate, like those made by our troops in Iraq. Let’s just all hope President Bush’s approval rating skyrockets, because he just made this world 230 pounds safer.

Actual Vandals to Sue for Libel

In an effort to reclaim their good name, members of the ancient Vandal tribal group have sued the major news outlets for libel and defamation of character. “Just because our ancestors sacked Rome doesn’t mean we’re uncivilized today,” said Ulteric (no last name given). “And besides,” he continued, “all we did was pillage. It’s not like we spray painted ‘Pink Floyd Rules!’ on their frickin aqueducts.”
Ulteric’s assessment of his tribe’s sacking of Rome seems to hold up with historic evidence, which suggests the Vandals were only interested in booty while in Rome, similar to American male business travelers today. “We didn’t rape and we didn’t burn the place down. Jeesh, it’s not like we acted like the Romans… and we were in Rome, so we could have.” Ulteric and other members of the Vandal Anti-Defamatory Expression Regulators have filed lawsuits against all of the major media players, including the large media conglomerate that owns this news outlet.

Real Predictions For 2007

Real Predictions For 2007

1. Jim Doyle takes a campaign contribution.
2. Indians continue gambling operations.
3. Milwaukee Mayor embraces boarding schools as way to help city youth.
4. Secret underwater lab in Lake Michigan yields trick to confusing the 187 invader species of the Great Lakes to swimming back home.
5. Inner city murders plummet as outreach programs establish fight clubs.
6. Milwaukee County Parks take blame for county’s budget woes.
7. Dane County officially becomes a People’s Republic.
8. Madison constructs “aesthetic” wall on city’s far-east side.
9. Milwaukee 7 disbands after being regularly confused with Fantastic 4, Dirty Dozen and Ocean’s 11.
10. Upnorth secedes from state in protest over liberal hippies from Madison and stupid morons in Milwaukee. Waukesha and Kenosha Counties consider options.
11. People too young to know any better, yet smarter and better than all of us, continue to marry people they won’t like in a few years.
12. Beer officially made official State food after years of making case.

Real Sports Predictions for 2007

1. Brewers make us happy, sad, and drunk (and help a few of us get laid when we claim to be sports agents).
2. Sheets, Cordero, Fielder, Weeks & Hall make All-star team.
3. Packers make us happy, sad and drunk.
4. Brett Favre discovers Randy Moss is fun to throw to.
5. Bucks have little impact on us.
6. Admirals & Wave remain underrated.
7. High school basketball game ends in shoot out.
8. Badgers continue to be best sporting experience in state, regardless of sport.
9. Warriors & Badgers reach Sweet 16.
10. Milwaukee Panthers kick some ass to begin 2007-08 season.
11. The Bucks allow 24 year old point guard who is becoming an all-star to leave so they can sign a 32 year old point guard who is unbecoming an all-star.
12. 18 year veteran of Milwaukee Baseball League wins local league’s batting title.