With the merger of two major health systems and the potential for efficient implementation of care, both Columbia St. Mary’s and Froedtert will have to exceed expected levels of inefficiencies in order to maintain their high prices for average care that people in Wisconsin have come to expect. Patients have begun asking some pertinent questions and voicing concerns:
“When I go to the doctor, I expect to spend at least three times the duration of my consultation in the waiting room. I just worry about that with the merger, because it seems like they could do things faster.” The answer from the major players is a resounding “Yes We Can!” A Froedtert spokesman affirmed that wait times will be just as long as before the merger. He also noted that many medical records will be misplaced, lost, or read by unauthorized people during the merger, so patients can expect at least the same amount of ineptitude as they are accustomed to.
“I like it when I get told by a doctor that I need to see a doctor out of my insurance network. It makes me feel special because I get to pay a real premium for my care. How can that happen with all these doctors under one network?” The merged medical group plans on instituting more needless tests and prescribing more designer drugs in order to make up for the loss of star treatment by recommending doctors outside of insurance networks. “We can always find a reason to run an MRI on a patient,” said one doctor.
“Won’t this make visiting a doctor more convenient because the doctor can work out of more facilities?” When patients consider the scheduling conflicts, unknowledgeable staff, and en route golf courses, the fact that a doctor will see patients at more facilities should not change much at all.
“Wait, won’t they stop building on to Milwaukee Regional Medical Center if other facilities are added into the group? I’m worried that my insurance co-pay might go down if construction costs are kept low.” While conventional wisdom might suggest that services and specialties could be shared, the MRMC is dedicated to a long-term plan of building in order to maintain a sense of better care and increased charges for its patients. “Hey, if Aurora wants to build half-empty hospitals, we certainly can match them brick for brick,” said a spokesperson. “However, we like to see a hospital as half full rather than half empty.”
“I can see my doctor as becoming less egotistical if he has all these other doctors to answer to. I’m worried that he’ll become open to new ideas.” Studies show that irregardless of hospital size, doctors maintain the same high levels of ego and low levels of bedside manner, so you do not have to worry about your doctor pretending to care more about you or admitting when he’s wrong, because he still never will be wrong.
“C’mon, won’t I get right in to see a doctor now when I go to the emergency room? What would life be without stories of three-hour waits at the emergency room?” Again, wait time will remain the same, and this includes all emergency rooms. Unless you have a bullet in your head or a severed limb, you might as well still grab a chair and do some serious people-watching.
“Isn’t this just another step towards nationalized health care, which will never work because all good doctors will start private practices in Mexico and leave the country?” Just the opposite: this merger is a step towards the ultimate in capitalist inefficiency and waste—the monopoly. Once we complete the merger and offer our new corporation for sale to Aurora, you will get all the overpaid doctors and overpriced services and overbuilt facilities you could possibly imagine. Since you do not pay attention to how much you are charged now, you will likely remain in a similar state of blissful ignorance throughout the process, and you will be told in full-page special advertising sections of the newspaper how good it is for you, and you will believe.
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