I know there is a lot of confusion as to the true father of little Dannielynn. After much consideration, I must come forward. I am Dannielynn’s father. It was September 1998 and I was in college at Florida International University. Being a broke college student, I did the only thing reasonable to make money, I went to the sperm bank. At the time, they were paying $100 per shot. I figured I was good for three or four bills. While filling out the paperwork, I indicated I was an economist who resembled a young J. Howard Marshall, the brilliant billionaire who helped design the former President Bush’s economic policy. Little did I expect Anna to hop on my impressive sperm résumé. Ironically enough, I took a gander at early 90s Playboy magazines while getting the little soldier up for reveille, so in many ways, Anna Nicole and I shared a special moment under the fluorescent lights, bathed in the scent of rubbing alcohol.
Sorry Moby, Howard K. Prince von Anhalt, Mr. Denk, and Mark, DNA test will prove conclusively that I, RD88291, am the real father. I am coming forward not for the sake of the baby, but for the inheritance. Dannielynn carries with her a prize that makes my statement worth the benefit of my humiliation over the cost of my desperation. If only I had enough money to get plastered that fateful September evening, none of this would have come out. I am not proud, but now I am at least rich.Due to the suggestion of my lawyer, I am not giving my name and prefer to be left anonymously as RD88291. I am told this is best for both my family and me. Dannielynn will join a family of alcohol-consuming drug addicts who love to party. I am sure Anna will be proud of Dannielynn’s new home, as we seem to fit Anna’s infamous lifestyle. In another life we might have been soul-mates, but alas she was merely the receptacle for my wealthy offspring’s incubation. Don’t worry Anna, I’ll make sure Dannielynn stays off the Methadone, Lexapro and Zoloft; the rest is up to her.
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