President Kermit T. Frog may Issue Full Pardon to Scooter

Some in Washington are Claiming Colorful, Corrupt Connection

The Whitehouse has claimed that what Scooter did wasn’t so bad, and that it is right for President Kermit T. Frog to use his Rainbow Connection to Scooter to get the poor guy off the hook. But some observers are claiming that this so-called Rainbow Connection is nothing better than an old-boys club of the powerful political elite, totally clueless as to what normal Americans want.

For example, a recent poll showed that very few Americans favor the war in Iraq, and a very high percentage would also not favor a war with Iran. However, Vice-President Animal, who apparently yelled and screamed a lot when cabinet members argued against the war in Iraq, feels that the war is going just fine, and that all the soldiers need is a little more to do in order to bring morale back up, so Iran is next. Former Secretary of State Rowlf, who did not always agree with the VP, or with former Secretary of Defense Sam the Eagle, has said that invading Iran in with the military in its current state and for no particular reason would be just plain silly. “I mean, trench warfare should always be a last-ditch effort,” said the always punny Rowlf.

Vice-President Animal, when asked if he had the support of the entire administration for a war in Iran, jumped on a reporter’s head and began yelling his own name repeatedly, and then said something to the effect that he did not need anyone’s permission to launch another war. Reporters asked Attorney General Gonzo if this was true, that the Vice-President could now declare war without Congress or the President to answer to. Gonzo had this to say of Congress: “They report up to the attorney general, who - we all report up to the President of the United States. All of us work in the executive branch.” Supreme Court Justices Statler and Waldorf (sometimes known as Scalia and Thomas) concurred with Gonzo’s assessment. “Yep, pretty much one branch on this-here tree,” said Waldorf.

Current Secretary of Defense Beaker, who nobody knows or cares about, feels as if he will be the victim when all goes wrong with any new experiments in the war(s). Of course, Dr. Bunson Honeydew (aka Carl Rove), who runs the government from his secret lab, agrees with the assessment, but he did point out that very few scapegoats have been necessary, and the method of name-calling and accusing the other side of not supporting the troops may get the new Secretary of Defense through the whole situation.

Of course, that encouragement is barring any other Rizzo (Jack Abramoff)-like ratting out of administration officials. Senate funny-man Fozzie Bear (known as Tom DeLay to voters) was publicly skewered, and may never make more than $2 million per year as a lobbyist because of the scandal that fell upon him. The good doctor has also warned all operatives of staying away from pornography and young boys, as that whole scene can only be covered up for so long, though full pardons are likely for anyone caught doing anything in the name of Kermit T. Frog, Animal, Dr. Bunson Honeydew, or any of the leaders who fight to keep America safe from something very unsafe.

When asked if she plans on making any deals whatsoever with any countries ever, Miss Piggy Rice said, “Hmmmf!” and stormed off, leading some reporters to think that maybe there is no plan for diplomacy, or responsibility for poor choices, or anything that resembles government for the people by the people in Washington. But that can’t be true, and anyone who thinks it is is un-American and should be spied on and possibly thrown in prison as a war criminal. Or at least expect to get basted in the Swedish Chef’s No Spin Zone.

Milwaukee Bucks Anticipate Winning Next Year’s Lottery

The Milwaukee Bucks have used their 2007 NBA lottery draft pick to help the team win the lottery next year. The choice of Yi Jianlian, who does not even want to play for the team, should help to propel them to the worst record in the NBA, setting the stage for a few more chances to land next year’s top pick. While Jianlian has been compared to Toni Kukoc, mostly for his abilities in English as a Second Language, he will become another power forward to the frontcourt, allowing Charlie Villanueva to move to his natural position on the bench. Yi’s presence will also allow Andrew Bogut to continue to focus on automobile dealerships commercials rather than becoming a dominant force on the inside.

Some fans might ask, “Why didn’t the Bucks just keep Toni Kukoc, and draft someone who others compare to Michael Jordan, especially when the guy people compare to Kukoc only shoots 20% from three-point range?” Some fans might be right, as everyone knows Eastern Europeans can play well into their 40s, whereas very little is known about the stamina of Asian players. And the whole stereotype that Asians are sneaky doesn’t even mean much when the guy is 7’0” tall. Maybe if he was the Chinese Steve Nash, that would be something.

Experts predict that Jianlian will pretend he does not know any English whatsoever and flail his arms a lot, which should be familiar to fans of Andrew Bogut and Dan Gadzuric. Also familiar to Bucks fans will be a player that thinks he’s better than Milwaukee and who will be nothing but trouble until he is traded away. No doubt Chinese fans, and there are a lot of them, will be excited about another Chinese player in the NBA. Unfortunately, Chinese people do not have as much disposable income as the Japanese, who regularly fill karaoke bars in cities with Japanese baseball players. The possibility exists that the Bucks front office actually thought that Yi Jianlian is Japanese, especially since some people believe all Asians, or Orientals if you will, look alike. However, the reality is that all blonde white men look alike. Just think about that one for a second.

This just in: Sun Yue was just said to be the Chinese Toni Kukoc. Is this code for something? Is every Chinese basketball player just like Toni Kukoc? Well, they are communists, so maybe they teach all of their children to play basketball like Toni—perchance he filmed some sort of training video for the Chinese government. Or, are there 1 billion copies of a Bulls championship series on betamax in China?

For their second round pick, the Milwaukee Bucks chose Billy Donovan, the coach from Florida, and the sixth person drafted from the team. However, NBA Commissioner David Stern put a stop to the pick, claiming that only players could be drafted. Once this fact was presented, the Bucks chose Greg Oden of Ohio State. Unfortunately, Oden had already been taken, and Milwaukee was threatened with severe reprimands if the team did not take the 56th overall pick seriously. The announcement then came that the Bucks wanted to pick Optimus Prime, and once the team got over the initial chuckles and stern glances from David, they chose Ramon Sessions who will likely replace Mo Williams at point guard, or may play center, just for giggles, and is another 20% three-point shooter.

Surely, barring any major personnel changes from the current lineup, the most important day for the Bucks next year will be next year’s draft day. If you’d like to buy a Bucks 10-pack, click here. Also, here is the poll the Milwaukee Bucks put up before the draft:
Yi Jianlian of China will likely be a top pick. Your advice to Bucks GM Larry Harris is:
• Too Risky, not enough of a resume (52%)
• Go For It, comparison to Toni Kukoc excites me (48%)

Vote for Prince

By Caitlyn

Be sure to cast your ballots for Prince William in the Cosmo Sexiest Man Alive voting. He is obviously so much hotter than the other princes, and because he's royalty, he doesn't actually get votes on a normal basis like the Kennedys or Brad Pitt, so he'll appreciate your support. Really, is there a better Prince anywhere? Every time I see him in one of my magazines, my knees go weak thinking about him asking me to the prom or something. I know it's just a dream, but if baseball players can dream of hitting homeruns and little girls can dream of unicorns, I can dream about Prince William riding to my house on a white horse to meet my parents before the prom.

Is There a Separatist Movement for Me?

By John Evreeman

Boy, howdy, I wish I had a few more friends in my life. What with the wife and kids, I don’t get a whole heck of a lot of me time. Well, I am allowed to watch educational programming once in a while (my wife frowns on sports), and I saw this show about different separatist groups, and I was sorta thinking to myself, “Would one of these separatist movements work for me?”

Some of the groups are like super-religious, and I’m not, so the Christian Exodus group, recently relocating to South Carolina and planning to secede from the Union, may not be for me. They want to form their own Christian Republic. But South Carolina gets really hot in the summer, and I’m not sure goin to meetins would be much fun after a spell. I guess I’m kinda surprised a Christian group would get all upset now and want to secede, anyhow, what with President Bush in charge, because he’s all Christian and stuff. And what if these Christian Conservatives don’t like me? Don’t they make you give testimonies about how you did drugs and slept with everyone and now you’re better? I never did any of that stuff, so I don’t think I’d fit in.

So I checked out some of the white separatist groups, since I’m white and all that. The White Citizens Council looked promising because they have chapters in Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, Tennessee, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, and New York. I live pretty close to Illinois and Michigan. They have about 15,000 members and just want to protect the "European-American" heritage from those of other ethnicities. My family was from Europe once upon a time, and if other ethnicities are trying to take that from me, I guess I might be willing to do something to minimize that. You know, I’ve been to Irish Fest once, even though I’m not even Irish, but my wife is, so I guess that sorta counts. But I wasn’t sure about the whole segregation thing. They don’t seem to want to hang out with certain people, and that seems kinda weird. I wonder if they’d want to hang out with all the Christians who are moving to South Carolina.
I also found out about the Basque separatist group who live somewhere in Europe. They don’t want to be part of France or Spain or something, which seems kind of funny because the White Citizens Council wants to be part of Europe, but the Basques want to be part of something else, but I’m not really sure what that is because they write everything in some foreign language.

I guess there are some separatist groups in Montana and Utah and places like that where old men get a bunch of young women to have a lot of babies and tend their sheep and stuff, and that might be fun for a little while. I don’t think my wife would be too enthusiastic about the whole thing, but I guess they try to brainwash the womenfolk. It would be kinda nice to have her agree to everything I say and wash my clothes on the washboard, but I’ve always been told people don’t like to take the garbage out and do their chores in those compounds, and that would cause all kinds of tension. And I don’t know if I’d feel right not paying my taxes.

Nope, I guess I’ll have to wait for the right separatist movement to come along, because the ones that are out there now seem really hard to get enthusiastic about. I guess we could always home-school our kids, even though most the people I know that have done that seem a bit odd. Maybe I should just join a bowling league or play online poker or the Warcraft thing.

 

Free Mike McGee!

Milwaukee news may not have anything funnier than Michael McGee Jr., and it would be a shame for such a dynamic personality to rot away in jail, so Real Wisconsin News has pledged a "Mequon Match" for raising McGee's bail money of $100,000. McGee has asked his radio listeners to donate bail money to release him, and Real Wisconsin News will match, dollar for dollar, money sent in from private citizens residing in Mequon. Show Alderman McGee your support for his fight against anemic lawyers who don't believe in the old-fashioned ballot-or-bullet corruption-laden Milwaukee politics. McGee, who may have paid $5 per vote in his recall election, has asked for $100 from each of his supporters, which would represent an excellent campaign investment, and we hope it all works out so that we can enjoy his antics for years to come. Remember Mequon, Michael McGee Jr. is counting on you! The fund is at $569 and growing.

American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: This Memorial Day, Let’s Support the War, but Not Necessarily Our Troops

by Dan Brubus:

The war on “terror” is good for the economy and my portfolio, so I say, “Let’s roll,” when it comes to invading other countries. However, to be honest, I’m not terribly fond of many of our troops, and I’m fine with the current handling of soldiers with injuries, disorders, and plain old problems. I say it’s your duty as an American to support the war this Memorial Day, and you can pretend to support the troops if it’s good for business, too, but you don’t have to.
The war on terror is preemptively protecting us from potential evil doers and a lot of other important things, not to mention driving my national defense stocks through the roof, so we should all get behind the kind of war that protects our children and our other assets. The war on terror is good, despite the flip-flopping opinions of millions of “Americans.”

The main problem with the aftermath of war is trying to deal with thousands of soldiers who come home injured in some way, whether mentally or physically. I know nobody in my office is going to hire a veteran with their only skill being yelling and shooting—we need someone who’s going to close accounts, not someone who’s going to scare our clients. Sure, we’ve all got “Support our Troops” ribbons on our SUVs or touring sedans, but what that means is “Support our President’s Policies Because our we Make More Money if you do.”

Think of it this way, the average American soldier is the guy who:

threw bags of dog poop at a chain link fence while growing up—maybe at your house.
got thrown out of your physics class and slammed the door, breaking it.
had sex with your wife before you did.
rides a motorcycle, and looks cool doing it.
doesn’t have a million-dollar plan.
will want the government to pay for his medical bills when he returns from the war.
had lots of friends in high school while you had homework to do.
declares bankruptcy after having to take out a loan against the value of his Mustang.

Besides the classic soldier described above, did you know there are 60,000 immigrants in the US military being promised citizenship for fighting? What more do they want from us than to make them citizens of this great country? They want low-interest loans to help them get out of debt and buy homes. Well, not in my very upscale neighborhood, Private. They want medical care that fixes every ache and pain from serving their country. Hey, sorry kids, free ride’s over. That big USMC tattooed on your arm tells me you expect a little shrapnel in there next to the ink. Last of all, they want our respect. Like I said, I can pretend with the rest of you that I fully and whole-heartedly support our troops—it’s the only way to handle them politically. But when I go home at night and make fun of their low academic performance, or vote against plans to help pay for a military welfare state, that’s my right as an American to do, even if they fought for that right. God bless you, and Happy Memorial Day.

Principles of Science: Why the Douchebag gene cannot be eliminated from the population.

by Dr. Tom

Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps recording Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees [or Minnesota Vikings, depending on crowd]?”. These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?

Darwin’s theory of natural selection is simple. If the female peacock has three mates from which to choose – one with blue plumage, one with red plumage, and one who calls himself a vegetarian despite eating chicken and fish, she will choose either of the first two, for colorful plumage is a desirable characteristic for peacocks, whereas pompous insincerity is not. After all, nobody wants to hear that shit. Over time, these jackasses are less able to find mates, their genes do not get passed along, and eventually these behaviors have left the population.

Humans have had over 50 million years to evolve, and we know douchebags have been a scourge on human existence dating back to the early Egyptian kingdoms after the Rosetta Stone allowed researchers to determine that the phalli with hairy balls scratched in the back of the Great Sphynx of Giza were not, in fact, hieroglyphics. So we know it is not a question of not having enough time to evolve.

[Editors Note: Even if you are one of those douchebags that believes in intelligent design, there remains an inconsistency. One can only help but conclude that no righteous God would ever smite the world with a plague of douchebags. Does God consider this design ‘intelligent’?? We must search for other reasons.]

Douchebags could mate selectively with each other to pass down these characteristics, but given the length of time in question, this would have lead to the development of a separate species. By selectively mating together, the genetic material of these helmets would concentrate with each successive generation until they would be incapable of mating with the rest of us [The principle of Divergent Evolution]. The baboon at the zoo picking his ass would not be the gentleman in front of you at Pick n’ Save. Humans have been evolving for over 50 million years – plenty of time for the gene which propulses some dipshit to book Elton John for Harleyfest to have been eliminated from the population.

The principles of genetics
We return now to conundrum of the dicktard flailing his arms and legs in front of you at Summerfest, knocking over your beer in an attempt to impress a skeptical potential mate.
There has certainly been sufficient time for evolution to have had an effect, and we can see that he will not be mating… So why has this behavior has not evolved out?

The answer lies in genetics. The impulse which causes people to fart in an elevator is a phenotype caused by our genes. Genes are passed to offspring through the individual chromosomes of the parents. Humans have two chromosomes, each with the gene for a particular characteristic. Only one of the genes that controls a behavior or characteristic – e.g. whether an individual runs for governor - will be expressed In genetic parlance the chromosome most likely to be expressed is called “dominant” with the other being labeled “recessive”. Let us label this politician gene “d” for douchebag. There are three possible combinations in the parent generation.


The first, homozygous autosomal dominant DD is a normal person. In the second, the dominant “D” gene selects again for a normal person in the heterozygote. It is only the last combination, homozygous recessive “dd” that you see driving 48 in the left hand lane.

In the process of meiosis, each parent will donate only one of their chomosomes. We therefore see the following possibilities in the progeny generation:

For the homozygous autosomal dominant (DD):
DD x DD à DD for all children [all normal]
DD x Dd à DD (50%), Dd, (50%) [all normal]
DD x dd à Dd for all children [all normal]

For the heterozygote (Dd):
Dd x DD à DD (50%), dD (50%) [all normal]
Dd x Dd à DD (25%), Dd (50%), dd (25%) [75% normal, quarter asswipe]
Dd x dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [half asswipe]

And lastly for homozygous retarded (dd):
dd x DD à Dd for all children [all normal]
dd x Dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [50% refer to themselves in 3rd person]
dd x dd à dd for all children [and also inherit Hilton estate]

Even assuming that no reasonable individual mates with one of these [dd] jackasses, the presence of the hidden recessive “d” gene in the asymptomatic carriers [Dd heterozygote] allows for two seemingly normal individuals to give birth to Tom Cruise or Terrell Owens. And this end result is why you spend so much time at the DMV.

Depressing as this is, the scientific community continues to work tirelessly to develop in utero tests via amniocentesis that would allow for diagnosis of the douchebag gene before birth. There are also several phase II trials studying the effect of a novel pharmaceutical agent debaginase douchopranol as a potential treatment modality. The company behind development is trying to scale-up research & development in preparation for the 2008 U.S. presidential primaries.

American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: Sure, We Don’t Want Iran to Have Nukes, But Why Not Our Used F-14s?

by Dan Brubus

Capitalism always wins. Pure and simple. America developed the F-14 Tomcat over many years. It was used to keep the world safe, but now it’s time to sell the leftovers to the highest bidder. Yes, the highest bidder does happen to be on my short list of countries I’d like to see blown up by next year, but we can benefit from their desire to bolster their military before we crush them. We should sell F-14 Tomcats to Iran because we have the greatest military on earth and our treasury could use the cash to help fund the war on terror.

We really do not have anything to worry about when we sell our old weapons to other countries, since we have the best-trained, most expensive military on the planet. The reason why the F-14s are available is because they are retired. When you retire your POS Toyota, do you let it sit there in the garage or say you’re only going to sell it to a museum? Some Demon-crats in congress want us to do just that: not sell our old junk to other countries in need to military equipment and willing to pay top-dollar. It’s not like an F-14 is going to go to some recycling center run by hippies so they can produce hemp necklace clasps out of the fuselage. Haven’t you ever heard of production for use? Weapons are produced to be used, not to be housed in various museums. And if we can no longer use the weapon, then it must be sold to recoup some of the production cost, and if it happens to be used by the nation to whom we sell the weapon, then the cycle has been fulfilled, and everyone should be happy.

Even if the weapons produced for the American government through private industry bids end up in the hands of our enemies, or even members of the Axis of Evil, the cycle is still intact, and we will simply have to buy better weapons from those companies to deal with the ones we sold to said enemy, and the economy booms because we need new weapons. In the unfortunate event a war occurs, American companies will be poised to make money on the front-end, back-end, our side, and their side. Once again, capitalism always wins.

So it’s established that the American military cannot be defeated, even by our own old weapons, and we realize that money can be made from selling weapons, and even from fighting against the countries that buy the weapons. We can make enough money from sales of F-14 parts alone to all but end the war on terror. If we sold more grenades, land mines, and M-16s to weapons dealers, we could probably track down Osama Bin Laden in no time at all. The decision to continue selling our old weapons to the highest bidder is a complete no-brainer, which means even Hillary Clinton should be able to support it, because our economy benefits from every aspect of selling our old weapons, and, once again, capitalism always wins.

Axis of Evil Countries Unveil New Marketing Campaign

By Ralph Fitch

In an effort to retain members and recruit new countries, the Axis of Evil has unveiled a new design for their official emblem and advertising. The current members of the Axis of Evil seem to include Iran, North Korea, Syria, and Cuba, while Iraq and Libya are listed as members in hiatus. The four countries still in the Axis of Evil feel that they could benefit from aggressive marketing to other countries that might consider an opportunity to express their disdain for America.

Interestingly, however, the catchy look used by the Axis of Evil resembles that of American Eagle Outfitters, and reports indicate that at least one member country contacted American Eagle about selling their ae.com website to the Axis. American intelligence officials report that the marketing is meant to target a similar demographic as the retailer: young individuals who think their parents suck, and who think that foreigners suck even more. The official American response to any country considering membership to the Axis of Evil is to immediately revoke “government” status, and instead refer it as a “regime.”

Reportedly, Venezuela is considering a trial membership to the Axis of Evil, and President Hugo Chavez has been given a membership card that entitles him to exclusive Axis of Evil benefits without a yearly fee. “I get a monthly email newsletter and special, members only discounts on weapons, keychains, and many other items,” said the president. Member countries also receive a shipment of surplus cargo shorts for their military personnel. The Axis of Evil said in a statement through Al Jazeera that the goal is to make the membership too good to turn down. “All America gives you is denigrated culture and stripping of your natural resources to pay for American appetites, but we offer you cargo shorts and hope for a future without American meddling,” reads part of the statement. No hard data exists as yet to gauge the popularity of its new marketing strategy, but analysts agree that similar marketing has led to overweight, credit card-indebted Americans, so it may be a sound approach.

MPS Schools Better Reflect Criminal Justice System in New Budget

Milwaukee Public Schools will begin its scaling down of actual education in its schools in order to better reproduce the criminal justice system its students are preparing themselves for. The latest budget has job losses in all areas except for social workers, psychologists, safety assistants, and nurses. Teachers will be teaching more students for more hours with less help, but the plan is for the psychologists and social workers to convince students to behave better. If that doesn’t work, of course, the safety assistants are specially trained to subdue students without the use of plastic handcuffs, pepper spray, or knowledge of martial arts by saying things like, “Don’t you make me get up out this desk!” If the safety assistants are useless, the nurses can offer ice packs for black eyes.

The goal of hiring more people in the health and human services fields rather than education is simple: no one is getting an education, so at least MPS wants to give students a familiar start to a life of crime. Said an MPS spokeswoman, “Our students get into a lot of trouble and they also fail a lot of tests. We decided that trying to teach them how not to get into trouble was actually more important than teaching them how to do well on tests, because the only tests most of these kids will be taking after high school involve only positive or negative results.”

Some disagree with the plan to cut spending for regular classroom teachers and aides, as many elementary school teachers are purportedly teaching entire days straight with no relief from aides or music, gym, or art classes, and 35 children to teach. Jane Dewey, an elementary school teacher, said, “Most parents can’t handle one or two children, and I’m expected to teach 35 all day long while we hire more security, social workers, and psychologists to tell me the kids are misbehaving. I can pretty much look around the room and figure that one out, and I can find out their parents don’t give a rip when two of the 35 come in for conferences. Voila—no social workers or psychologists needed for that one.”

A positive result of hiring staff that is also represented in the criminal justice system is that if students do get into trouble as adults, they will be prepared for a life in prison. “Of course we don’t wish jail time on any of our kids,” said an MPS psychologist, “but we do feel they will certainly perform better in prison than students from other districts because of all the practice we offer them. This is potentially huge, as months if not years can be shaved off a sentence because of good behavior.” A number of administrators at central office are very excited about the possibility of MPS students excelling over students from other districts, even if it is during incarceration. The use of plastic handcuffs, though recently voted down, will likely come up again, as well as a proposal to add gates with bars at various places in the halls and in some classrooms. Orange uniforms are on the agenda in the near future, as well, as MPS looks forward to a day when people won’t be able to tell the difference between Waupun Prison and Washington High.

Halliburton Nominated for Nobel Prizes

by Imanadia Peecnik

American corporation Halliburton received an unprecedented two nominations for Nobel Prizes this year. Halliburton received nominations for the Nobel Prize in Economics, as well as, the Nobel Peace Prize. Said the nominator who requested to remain anonymous, and just be known as Richard, "Is there any doubt that this company has done more to secure world peace than any other? And, they did it with a perfect business model that should be a lesson to all future corporate executives. That's why our board, excuse me, group, nominated Halliburton for two Nobel Prizes."

In simulaneously making his case for the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel Prize in Economics for Halliburton, Richard described Halliburton's accomplishments and influence as such: "Given the volatile situation in the Middle East, Halliburton has still been able to transcend national and international interests by helping Iran build and maintain its petroleum infrastructure at a time when that country needs revenue the most. Iran has many needs, such as: funding foriegn peace fighters, maintaining a secret police force charged with cutting off the tongues of anyone who defies the ruling Mullahs, and building out its peaceful nuclear program. In fact, although it's not public yet, for the sake of winning the prizes, I will announce right here that Halliburton has even helped with some of the nuclear program in Iran. So you see, through Iran, Halliburton has reached out to the noblist of causes, such as bringing peace in the middle east and rest of the world, by directly helping fund those who would bring the peace and making a couple bucks on the back end. It really is all quite clever."

Richard went on to dscribe other Halliburton accomplishements: "In Iraq, we have been able to help the United States mission to free the Iraqi people from the onslaught of foriegn mercenaries by supplying the U.S. military with most of its needs via our revolutionary LOGCAP contract. This contract for supplying the U.S. Military has allowed Halliburton to successfully maintain an effective profit margin fixed to the cost of what Halliburton supplies. That is, if Halliburton spends $100 million on the wholesale cost of supplying the U.S. troops and various contractors, then U.S. taxpayers only repay Halliburton the $100 million and a fixed percentage fee on top. If Halliburton spends $200 million on the wholesale cost of supplies, then the U.S. taxpayers simply increase the fee as a fixed percentage of what Halliburton spent on supplies, which in this example would double Halliburton's profit. Now of course, Halliburton is dealing with billions of dollars not hundreds of millions, but the example is an easy one to understand and it holds with bigger numbers. That they have even been able to ignore any potential conflicts of interest in purchasing supplies so far, makes it an even more efficient and profitable for Halliburton. The business model really is excellent and even more impressive when we look at Halliburton's financials since 2001."

"And going back further and around the globe," continued Richard, "...Halliburton has been able to work with countries like Libya as far back as the 1980s, Azerbaijan, Indonesia and Burma in the 1990s, and Nigeria today, despite unfounded human rights concerns, national defense issues and various embargos and sanctions limiting or forbidding U.S. corporations from working with those nations. Using Halliburton's internationally headquarted Brown and Root subsidiary, the company has been able to legally accomplish many goals, such as sending military grade piping and other peaceful technology to Libya well before the PanAm flight bombing, depoplulating areas needing pipelines and protecting company and ruling party property in several countries."

Former Halliburton CEO John Gibson summed it up as such, "We don't like being kept out of markets because it gives our competitors an unfair advantage." Said Richard, "Think what Halliburton can do now that it's moving its headquarters from Houston to Dubai!"

"Last but not least, well and not really last," Richard went on, "Halliburton has even been involved with helping America, such as with the Asbestos problem, funding private pension plans of key capitalist cogs, reallocating taxpayer money for greater efficiency and influencing the gasoline supply. There really is very little doubt that the Nobel Prizes are much deserved and would serve as a reminder to any Federal prosecutors just who they are dealing with."

Out of concern for journalistic fairness, Real Wisconsin News has been able to uncover some opposition to the nomination of Halliburton for the Nobel Prizes, including ersthile watchdog group Halliburton Watch, the Defense Contract Audit Agency, various U.S. Senators, Iraqis and a bevy of Hollywood types including one of Beav's favorites- that cute goth chick from "Six Feet Under."

Michael McGee Sr. Grieves for Charlie Sykes

Everyone deals with tragedy differently, and Michael McGee Sr. has demonstrated that in his effort to console Charlie Sykes on the death of his mother, Katherine Sykes. “Mother Sykes, she dead,” said McGee, implying that he too was grieving for his own ‘mother,’ who must be very proud of her son if she is living. McGee goes on to comfort using religion: “To me it's the vengeance of God.” Yes, we all must answer to God eventually, and Mr. McGee calls our attention to that fact. “I ain't got no tears,” McGee said, obviously too stunned to cry. We’ve all been there.
“Matter of fact a woman that would have a fool like that deserve whatever is coming her.” McGee gives Mrs. Sykes a send-off to heaven, reminding us all that we get what we deserve after all is said and done. “She raised a sure enough idiot,” continued McGee. True or not, this is an example of McGee trying to deal with the pain, blaming those closest to him. “My instincts say Charlie Sykes killed his momma,” added McGee, going down the road many siblings take upon the death of a loved one.

Even some of McGee’s listeners were a bit surprised by his comments about Mrs. Sykes’ death, but like Don Imus, McGee is expected to be a controversial radio personality, and one way to acquire a dozen or so new listeners is to call someone a murderer. Or a nappy-headed ho. McGee is likely also trying to get Sykes to make a mistake in judgment and get himself fired by retaliating, possibly because WNOV has expressed interest in a Sykes and McGee in the Morning show. Radio personalities such as Sykes and McGee rely on saying things other people only think in order to force people to listen, and though nobody else even thought this one, McGee was using his creative license to set the stage for interesting talk radio, and that would be an accomplishment.

Men, Help Bring an Air of Respectability to Milwaukee: Work for AirTran

Special advertising section

When AirTran finally closes the deal for Midwest Airlines, it will be searching for employees who are able to work in a fast-paced, competitive environment. AirTran officials said potential employees are encouraged to joke around a bit, like when a supervisor dons a white hood and claims to be in the KKK. Men who work for the company can be assured that if they make advances on a female and she refuses, a bit of good-natured kicking to her posterior is completely acceptable. Men might also enjoy the perks of being able to simulate sex with female employees and passing nude photos around the workplace. Men can be assured that they will have a voice in the company, always being allowed to ask female employees to take pictures of their breasts.

If a male employee happens to get caught making sweet love to some airport floosie on his supervisor’s desk, he can rest assured that he will receive high-fives all around and no annoying reprimands. All told, a man’s wildest work fantasy can come true if he works for AirTran. The right man can proposition mothers and daughters who work for the company and surf for porn while at his terminal. Apply today! Our benefits package is right up front!

Ladies may also be interested in a high-flying career in entertaining male co-workers, with absolutely no room for promotion or complaint, akin to being married. Please send photo layout to AirTran.
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Man Kidnaps Girlfriend as Part of Mid-life Crisis

A 55-year-old captain of a homemade schooner has begun to sail around the world with his 23-year-old girlfriend in a trip planned to reach 1000 days at sea. The record-setting voyage is very romantic on the surface, but the realities of oceangoing will likely claim the couple well before the 1000 days are up.

Possibly the most difficult obstacle will be the monotony of spending three years with one other person non-stop, which is said to be worse than solitary confinement because of the constant complaining that will eventually occur. In a microcosm of actual marriage, Reid Stowe and Soanya Ahmad will likely experience all of the emotions that a normal married couple experience over 15-20 years, since most married couples actually try to avoid one another a good portion of each day.

Early in the voyage, a honeymoon phase will exist. The first sunrise and sunset. The first whale sighting. The first time Reid leans over the front of the vessel and yells, “I’m the king of the world!” The first time the couple has relations under the stars. The first storm. However, after a few dozen firsts and then a few exciting repeats of those firsts, eventually, each and every day of the 1000 will seem like the last, and playing solitaire on the laptop will be welcome relief for Soanya having to listen to Reid explain to her the proper way to cast the rigging or some such constructive criticism. And pissing at floating garbage off the starboard side will be much more entertaining for Reid than to listen to Soanya interject every five minutes that the salt air has dried out her skin and she could really use some moisturizer, as well as the fact that he has yet to make an honest woman of her.

Eventually, maybe after a few weeks, Reid will hope to appease Soanya’s ever-increasing scathing comments and moodiness by asking her to marry him, and this will make everything seem better for a few days. Reid will conduct the ceremony himself, and the two will spend a couple of blissful mid-afternoons together without a care in the world. That is, of course, until the first time she thinks she might be pregnant and/or have gotten some sort of feminine problem, at which time the two will settle into married life on separate ends of the boat.

Not long after marriage, Soanya will begin to feel underappreciated for all she does on the boat, and wonder why she is always forced to open the ration containers and set up the table for meals, as well as clean the head. Reid will wonder why he is always in charge of steering the vessel, and blamed when they end up off the coast of Liberia when it was supposed to be Senegal.

Small idiosyncrasies that seemed almost cute months before begin too get under each others’ skin, like the way Reid picks at the dry skin on his calloused feet, and then chews on the skin before he spits it onto the floor (which she will undoubtedly have to sweep). Or the way Soanya continuously asks Reid what his ten favorite parts about her are, when all Reid can think about is his one favorite thing that has not been forthcoming.

The annoyance with one another will reach beyond habits and to the mere sight of one another on the ship, and each will begin to communicate more with the outside world via internet than with one another. Reid may reconnect with a woman closer to his age whom he knew in high school, and Soanya may find the profile of a doctor from America who now works in her native country of Guyana and fall instantly in love with him, but feel shameful for her sinful desires. She may at that point decide that having a child could fix all of their marital problems, for if they cannot love one another, at least they could both love their child and rekindle their own emotions.

Reid, however, by this point will have given up all hope, and will be planning to decree his own divorce, when the ship is attacked by pirates off the coast of Madagascar. Reid will try valiantly to hide in the cargo hold, but he is brought out face his plunderers. They will take all electronic equipment, including the laptop and GPS device. They may discuss taking Soanya as well, but figure she is a witch-lady if she is married to an old white man, or something to that effect. After the pirates leave, the couple will continue on to the nearest safe port to end their journey after 163 days. Good luck Reid and Soanya from Real Wisconsin News.