American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: This Memorial Day, Let’s Support the War, but Not Necessarily Our Troops

by Dan Brubus:

The war on “terror” is good for the economy and my portfolio, so I say, “Let’s roll,” when it comes to invading other countries. However, to be honest, I’m not terribly fond of many of our troops, and I’m fine with the current handling of soldiers with injuries, disorders, and plain old problems. I say it’s your duty as an American to support the war this Memorial Day, and you can pretend to support the troops if it’s good for business, too, but you don’t have to.
The war on terror is preemptively protecting us from potential evil doers and a lot of other important things, not to mention driving my national defense stocks through the roof, so we should all get behind the kind of war that protects our children and our other assets. The war on terror is good, despite the flip-flopping opinions of millions of “Americans.”

The main problem with the aftermath of war is trying to deal with thousands of soldiers who come home injured in some way, whether mentally or physically. I know nobody in my office is going to hire a veteran with their only skill being yelling and shooting—we need someone who’s going to close accounts, not someone who’s going to scare our clients. Sure, we’ve all got “Support our Troops” ribbons on our SUVs or touring sedans, but what that means is “Support our President’s Policies Because our we Make More Money if you do.”

Think of it this way, the average American soldier is the guy who:

threw bags of dog poop at a chain link fence while growing up—maybe at your house.
got thrown out of your physics class and slammed the door, breaking it.
had sex with your wife before you did.
rides a motorcycle, and looks cool doing it.
doesn’t have a million-dollar plan.
will want the government to pay for his medical bills when he returns from the war.
had lots of friends in high school while you had homework to do.
declares bankruptcy after having to take out a loan against the value of his Mustang.

Besides the classic soldier described above, did you know there are 60,000 immigrants in the US military being promised citizenship for fighting? What more do they want from us than to make them citizens of this great country? They want low-interest loans to help them get out of debt and buy homes. Well, not in my very upscale neighborhood, Private. They want medical care that fixes every ache and pain from serving their country. Hey, sorry kids, free ride’s over. That big USMC tattooed on your arm tells me you expect a little shrapnel in there next to the ink. Last of all, they want our respect. Like I said, I can pretend with the rest of you that I fully and whole-heartedly support our troops—it’s the only way to handle them politically. But when I go home at night and make fun of their low academic performance, or vote against plans to help pay for a military welfare state, that’s my right as an American to do, even if they fought for that right. God bless you, and Happy Memorial Day.

Principles of Science: Why the Douchebag gene cannot be eliminated from the population.

by Dr. Tom

Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps recording Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees [or Minnesota Vikings, depending on crowd]?”. These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?

Darwin’s theory of natural selection is simple. If the female peacock has three mates from which to choose – one with blue plumage, one with red plumage, and one who calls himself a vegetarian despite eating chicken and fish, she will choose either of the first two, for colorful plumage is a desirable characteristic for peacocks, whereas pompous insincerity is not. After all, nobody wants to hear that shit. Over time, these jackasses are less able to find mates, their genes do not get passed along, and eventually these behaviors have left the population.

Humans have had over 50 million years to evolve, and we know douchebags have been a scourge on human existence dating back to the early Egyptian kingdoms after the Rosetta Stone allowed researchers to determine that the phalli with hairy balls scratched in the back of the Great Sphynx of Giza were not, in fact, hieroglyphics. So we know it is not a question of not having enough time to evolve.

[Editors Note: Even if you are one of those douchebags that believes in intelligent design, there remains an inconsistency. One can only help but conclude that no righteous God would ever smite the world with a plague of douchebags. Does God consider this design ‘intelligent’?? We must search for other reasons.]

Douchebags could mate selectively with each other to pass down these characteristics, but given the length of time in question, this would have lead to the development of a separate species. By selectively mating together, the genetic material of these helmets would concentrate with each successive generation until they would be incapable of mating with the rest of us [The principle of Divergent Evolution]. The baboon at the zoo picking his ass would not be the gentleman in front of you at Pick n’ Save. Humans have been evolving for over 50 million years – plenty of time for the gene which propulses some dipshit to book Elton John for Harleyfest to have been eliminated from the population.

The principles of genetics
We return now to conundrum of the dicktard flailing his arms and legs in front of you at Summerfest, knocking over your beer in an attempt to impress a skeptical potential mate.
There has certainly been sufficient time for evolution to have had an effect, and we can see that he will not be mating… So why has this behavior has not evolved out?

The answer lies in genetics. The impulse which causes people to fart in an elevator is a phenotype caused by our genes. Genes are passed to offspring through the individual chromosomes of the parents. Humans have two chromosomes, each with the gene for a particular characteristic. Only one of the genes that controls a behavior or characteristic – e.g. whether an individual runs for governor - will be expressed In genetic parlance the chromosome most likely to be expressed is called “dominant” with the other being labeled “recessive”. Let us label this politician gene “d” for douchebag. There are three possible combinations in the parent generation.


The first, homozygous autosomal dominant DD is a normal person. In the second, the dominant “D” gene selects again for a normal person in the heterozygote. It is only the last combination, homozygous recessive “dd” that you see driving 48 in the left hand lane.

In the process of meiosis, each parent will donate only one of their chomosomes. We therefore see the following possibilities in the progeny generation:

For the homozygous autosomal dominant (DD):
DD x DD à DD for all children [all normal]
DD x Dd à DD (50%), Dd, (50%) [all normal]
DD x dd à Dd for all children [all normal]

For the heterozygote (Dd):
Dd x DD à DD (50%), dD (50%) [all normal]
Dd x Dd à DD (25%), Dd (50%), dd (25%) [75% normal, quarter asswipe]
Dd x dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [half asswipe]

And lastly for homozygous retarded (dd):
dd x DD à Dd for all children [all normal]
dd x Dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [50% refer to themselves in 3rd person]
dd x dd à dd for all children [and also inherit Hilton estate]

Even assuming that no reasonable individual mates with one of these [dd] jackasses, the presence of the hidden recessive “d” gene in the asymptomatic carriers [Dd heterozygote] allows for two seemingly normal individuals to give birth to Tom Cruise or Terrell Owens. And this end result is why you spend so much time at the DMV.

Depressing as this is, the scientific community continues to work tirelessly to develop in utero tests via amniocentesis that would allow for diagnosis of the douchebag gene before birth. There are also several phase II trials studying the effect of a novel pharmaceutical agent debaginase douchopranol as a potential treatment modality. The company behind development is trying to scale-up research & development in preparation for the 2008 U.S. presidential primaries.

American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: Sure, We Don’t Want Iran to Have Nukes, But Why Not Our Used F-14s?

by Dan Brubus

Capitalism always wins. Pure and simple. America developed the F-14 Tomcat over many years. It was used to keep the world safe, but now it’s time to sell the leftovers to the highest bidder. Yes, the highest bidder does happen to be on my short list of countries I’d like to see blown up by next year, but we can benefit from their desire to bolster their military before we crush them. We should sell F-14 Tomcats to Iran because we have the greatest military on earth and our treasury could use the cash to help fund the war on terror.

We really do not have anything to worry about when we sell our old weapons to other countries, since we have the best-trained, most expensive military on the planet. The reason why the F-14s are available is because they are retired. When you retire your POS Toyota, do you let it sit there in the garage or say you’re only going to sell it to a museum? Some Demon-crats in congress want us to do just that: not sell our old junk to other countries in need to military equipment and willing to pay top-dollar. It’s not like an F-14 is going to go to some recycling center run by hippies so they can produce hemp necklace clasps out of the fuselage. Haven’t you ever heard of production for use? Weapons are produced to be used, not to be housed in various museums. And if we can no longer use the weapon, then it must be sold to recoup some of the production cost, and if it happens to be used by the nation to whom we sell the weapon, then the cycle has been fulfilled, and everyone should be happy.

Even if the weapons produced for the American government through private industry bids end up in the hands of our enemies, or even members of the Axis of Evil, the cycle is still intact, and we will simply have to buy better weapons from those companies to deal with the ones we sold to said enemy, and the economy booms because we need new weapons. In the unfortunate event a war occurs, American companies will be poised to make money on the front-end, back-end, our side, and their side. Once again, capitalism always wins.

So it’s established that the American military cannot be defeated, even by our own old weapons, and we realize that money can be made from selling weapons, and even from fighting against the countries that buy the weapons. We can make enough money from sales of F-14 parts alone to all but end the war on terror. If we sold more grenades, land mines, and M-16s to weapons dealers, we could probably track down Osama Bin Laden in no time at all. The decision to continue selling our old weapons to the highest bidder is a complete no-brainer, which means even Hillary Clinton should be able to support it, because our economy benefits from every aspect of selling our old weapons, and, once again, capitalism always wins.

Axis of Evil Countries Unveil New Marketing Campaign

By Ralph Fitch

In an effort to retain members and recruit new countries, the Axis of Evil has unveiled a new design for their official emblem and advertising. The current members of the Axis of Evil seem to include Iran, North Korea, Syria, and Cuba, while Iraq and Libya are listed as members in hiatus. The four countries still in the Axis of Evil feel that they could benefit from aggressive marketing to other countries that might consider an opportunity to express their disdain for America.

Interestingly, however, the catchy look used by the Axis of Evil resembles that of American Eagle Outfitters, and reports indicate that at least one member country contacted American Eagle about selling their ae.com website to the Axis. American intelligence officials report that the marketing is meant to target a similar demographic as the retailer: young individuals who think their parents suck, and who think that foreigners suck even more. The official American response to any country considering membership to the Axis of Evil is to immediately revoke “government” status, and instead refer it as a “regime.”

Reportedly, Venezuela is considering a trial membership to the Axis of Evil, and President Hugo Chavez has been given a membership card that entitles him to exclusive Axis of Evil benefits without a yearly fee. “I get a monthly email newsletter and special, members only discounts on weapons, keychains, and many other items,” said the president. Member countries also receive a shipment of surplus cargo shorts for their military personnel. The Axis of Evil said in a statement through Al Jazeera that the goal is to make the membership too good to turn down. “All America gives you is denigrated culture and stripping of your natural resources to pay for American appetites, but we offer you cargo shorts and hope for a future without American meddling,” reads part of the statement. No hard data exists as yet to gauge the popularity of its new marketing strategy, but analysts agree that similar marketing has led to overweight, credit card-indebted Americans, so it may be a sound approach.

MPS Schools Better Reflect Criminal Justice System in New Budget

Milwaukee Public Schools will begin its scaling down of actual education in its schools in order to better reproduce the criminal justice system its students are preparing themselves for. The latest budget has job losses in all areas except for social workers, psychologists, safety assistants, and nurses. Teachers will be teaching more students for more hours with less help, but the plan is for the psychologists and social workers to convince students to behave better. If that doesn’t work, of course, the safety assistants are specially trained to subdue students without the use of plastic handcuffs, pepper spray, or knowledge of martial arts by saying things like, “Don’t you make me get up out this desk!” If the safety assistants are useless, the nurses can offer ice packs for black eyes.

The goal of hiring more people in the health and human services fields rather than education is simple: no one is getting an education, so at least MPS wants to give students a familiar start to a life of crime. Said an MPS spokeswoman, “Our students get into a lot of trouble and they also fail a lot of tests. We decided that trying to teach them how not to get into trouble was actually more important than teaching them how to do well on tests, because the only tests most of these kids will be taking after high school involve only positive or negative results.”

Some disagree with the plan to cut spending for regular classroom teachers and aides, as many elementary school teachers are purportedly teaching entire days straight with no relief from aides or music, gym, or art classes, and 35 children to teach. Jane Dewey, an elementary school teacher, said, “Most parents can’t handle one or two children, and I’m expected to teach 35 all day long while we hire more security, social workers, and psychologists to tell me the kids are misbehaving. I can pretty much look around the room and figure that one out, and I can find out their parents don’t give a rip when two of the 35 come in for conferences. Voila—no social workers or psychologists needed for that one.”

A positive result of hiring staff that is also represented in the criminal justice system is that if students do get into trouble as adults, they will be prepared for a life in prison. “Of course we don’t wish jail time on any of our kids,” said an MPS psychologist, “but we do feel they will certainly perform better in prison than students from other districts because of all the practice we offer them. This is potentially huge, as months if not years can be shaved off a sentence because of good behavior.” A number of administrators at central office are very excited about the possibility of MPS students excelling over students from other districts, even if it is during incarceration. The use of plastic handcuffs, though recently voted down, will likely come up again, as well as a proposal to add gates with bars at various places in the halls and in some classrooms. Orange uniforms are on the agenda in the near future, as well, as MPS looks forward to a day when people won’t be able to tell the difference between Waupun Prison and Washington High.

Halliburton Nominated for Nobel Prizes

by Imanadia Peecnik

American corporation Halliburton received an unprecedented two nominations for Nobel Prizes this year. Halliburton received nominations for the Nobel Prize in Economics, as well as, the Nobel Peace Prize. Said the nominator who requested to remain anonymous, and just be known as Richard, "Is there any doubt that this company has done more to secure world peace than any other? And, they did it with a perfect business model that should be a lesson to all future corporate executives. That's why our board, excuse me, group, nominated Halliburton for two Nobel Prizes."

In simulaneously making his case for the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel Prize in Economics for Halliburton, Richard described Halliburton's accomplishments and influence as such: "Given the volatile situation in the Middle East, Halliburton has still been able to transcend national and international interests by helping Iran build and maintain its petroleum infrastructure at a time when that country needs revenue the most. Iran has many needs, such as: funding foriegn peace fighters, maintaining a secret police force charged with cutting off the tongues of anyone who defies the ruling Mullahs, and building out its peaceful nuclear program. In fact, although it's not public yet, for the sake of winning the prizes, I will announce right here that Halliburton has even helped with some of the nuclear program in Iran. So you see, through Iran, Halliburton has reached out to the noblist of causes, such as bringing peace in the middle east and rest of the world, by directly helping fund those who would bring the peace and making a couple bucks on the back end. It really is all quite clever."

Richard went on to dscribe other Halliburton accomplishements: "In Iraq, we have been able to help the United States mission to free the Iraqi people from the onslaught of foriegn mercenaries by supplying the U.S. military with most of its needs via our revolutionary LOGCAP contract. This contract for supplying the U.S. Military has allowed Halliburton to successfully maintain an effective profit margin fixed to the cost of what Halliburton supplies. That is, if Halliburton spends $100 million on the wholesale cost of supplying the U.S. troops and various contractors, then U.S. taxpayers only repay Halliburton the $100 million and a fixed percentage fee on top. If Halliburton spends $200 million on the wholesale cost of supplies, then the U.S. taxpayers simply increase the fee as a fixed percentage of what Halliburton spent on supplies, which in this example would double Halliburton's profit. Now of course, Halliburton is dealing with billions of dollars not hundreds of millions, but the example is an easy one to understand and it holds with bigger numbers. That they have even been able to ignore any potential conflicts of interest in purchasing supplies so far, makes it an even more efficient and profitable for Halliburton. The business model really is excellent and even more impressive when we look at Halliburton's financials since 2001."

"And going back further and around the globe," continued Richard, "...Halliburton has been able to work with countries like Libya as far back as the 1980s, Azerbaijan, Indonesia and Burma in the 1990s, and Nigeria today, despite unfounded human rights concerns, national defense issues and various embargos and sanctions limiting or forbidding U.S. corporations from working with those nations. Using Halliburton's internationally headquarted Brown and Root subsidiary, the company has been able to legally accomplish many goals, such as sending military grade piping and other peaceful technology to Libya well before the PanAm flight bombing, depoplulating areas needing pipelines and protecting company and ruling party property in several countries."

Former Halliburton CEO John Gibson summed it up as such, "We don't like being kept out of markets because it gives our competitors an unfair advantage." Said Richard, "Think what Halliburton can do now that it's moving its headquarters from Houston to Dubai!"

"Last but not least, well and not really last," Richard went on, "Halliburton has even been involved with helping America, such as with the Asbestos problem, funding private pension plans of key capitalist cogs, reallocating taxpayer money for greater efficiency and influencing the gasoline supply. There really is very little doubt that the Nobel Prizes are much deserved and would serve as a reminder to any Federal prosecutors just who they are dealing with."

Out of concern for journalistic fairness, Real Wisconsin News has been able to uncover some opposition to the nomination of Halliburton for the Nobel Prizes, including ersthile watchdog group Halliburton Watch, the Defense Contract Audit Agency, various U.S. Senators, Iraqis and a bevy of Hollywood types including one of Beav's favorites- that cute goth chick from "Six Feet Under."

Michael McGee Sr. Grieves for Charlie Sykes

Everyone deals with tragedy differently, and Michael McGee Sr. has demonstrated that in his effort to console Charlie Sykes on the death of his mother, Katherine Sykes. “Mother Sykes, she dead,” said McGee, implying that he too was grieving for his own ‘mother,’ who must be very proud of her son if she is living. McGee goes on to comfort using religion: “To me it's the vengeance of God.” Yes, we all must answer to God eventually, and Mr. McGee calls our attention to that fact. “I ain't got no tears,” McGee said, obviously too stunned to cry. We’ve all been there.
“Matter of fact a woman that would have a fool like that deserve whatever is coming her.” McGee gives Mrs. Sykes a send-off to heaven, reminding us all that we get what we deserve after all is said and done. “She raised a sure enough idiot,” continued McGee. True or not, this is an example of McGee trying to deal with the pain, blaming those closest to him. “My instincts say Charlie Sykes killed his momma,” added McGee, going down the road many siblings take upon the death of a loved one.

Even some of McGee’s listeners were a bit surprised by his comments about Mrs. Sykes’ death, but like Don Imus, McGee is expected to be a controversial radio personality, and one way to acquire a dozen or so new listeners is to call someone a murderer. Or a nappy-headed ho. McGee is likely also trying to get Sykes to make a mistake in judgment and get himself fired by retaliating, possibly because WNOV has expressed interest in a Sykes and McGee in the Morning show. Radio personalities such as Sykes and McGee rely on saying things other people only think in order to force people to listen, and though nobody else even thought this one, McGee was using his creative license to set the stage for interesting talk radio, and that would be an accomplishment.

Men, Help Bring an Air of Respectability to Milwaukee: Work for AirTran

Special advertising section

When AirTran finally closes the deal for Midwest Airlines, it will be searching for employees who are able to work in a fast-paced, competitive environment. AirTran officials said potential employees are encouraged to joke around a bit, like when a supervisor dons a white hood and claims to be in the KKK. Men who work for the company can be assured that if they make advances on a female and she refuses, a bit of good-natured kicking to her posterior is completely acceptable. Men might also enjoy the perks of being able to simulate sex with female employees and passing nude photos around the workplace. Men can be assured that they will have a voice in the company, always being allowed to ask female employees to take pictures of their breasts.

If a male employee happens to get caught making sweet love to some airport floosie on his supervisor’s desk, he can rest assured that he will receive high-fives all around and no annoying reprimands. All told, a man’s wildest work fantasy can come true if he works for AirTran. The right man can proposition mothers and daughters who work for the company and surf for porn while at his terminal. Apply today! Our benefits package is right up front!

Ladies may also be interested in a high-flying career in entertaining male co-workers, with absolutely no room for promotion or complaint, akin to being married. Please send photo layout to AirTran.
linky

Man Kidnaps Girlfriend as Part of Mid-life Crisis

A 55-year-old captain of a homemade schooner has begun to sail around the world with his 23-year-old girlfriend in a trip planned to reach 1000 days at sea. The record-setting voyage is very romantic on the surface, but the realities of oceangoing will likely claim the couple well before the 1000 days are up.

Possibly the most difficult obstacle will be the monotony of spending three years with one other person non-stop, which is said to be worse than solitary confinement because of the constant complaining that will eventually occur. In a microcosm of actual marriage, Reid Stowe and Soanya Ahmad will likely experience all of the emotions that a normal married couple experience over 15-20 years, since most married couples actually try to avoid one another a good portion of each day.

Early in the voyage, a honeymoon phase will exist. The first sunrise and sunset. The first whale sighting. The first time Reid leans over the front of the vessel and yells, “I’m the king of the world!” The first time the couple has relations under the stars. The first storm. However, after a few dozen firsts and then a few exciting repeats of those firsts, eventually, each and every day of the 1000 will seem like the last, and playing solitaire on the laptop will be welcome relief for Soanya having to listen to Reid explain to her the proper way to cast the rigging or some such constructive criticism. And pissing at floating garbage off the starboard side will be much more entertaining for Reid than to listen to Soanya interject every five minutes that the salt air has dried out her skin and she could really use some moisturizer, as well as the fact that he has yet to make an honest woman of her.

Eventually, maybe after a few weeks, Reid will hope to appease Soanya’s ever-increasing scathing comments and moodiness by asking her to marry him, and this will make everything seem better for a few days. Reid will conduct the ceremony himself, and the two will spend a couple of blissful mid-afternoons together without a care in the world. That is, of course, until the first time she thinks she might be pregnant and/or have gotten some sort of feminine problem, at which time the two will settle into married life on separate ends of the boat.

Not long after marriage, Soanya will begin to feel underappreciated for all she does on the boat, and wonder why she is always forced to open the ration containers and set up the table for meals, as well as clean the head. Reid will wonder why he is always in charge of steering the vessel, and blamed when they end up off the coast of Liberia when it was supposed to be Senegal.

Small idiosyncrasies that seemed almost cute months before begin too get under each others’ skin, like the way Reid picks at the dry skin on his calloused feet, and then chews on the skin before he spits it onto the floor (which she will undoubtedly have to sweep). Or the way Soanya continuously asks Reid what his ten favorite parts about her are, when all Reid can think about is his one favorite thing that has not been forthcoming.

The annoyance with one another will reach beyond habits and to the mere sight of one another on the ship, and each will begin to communicate more with the outside world via internet than with one another. Reid may reconnect with a woman closer to his age whom he knew in high school, and Soanya may find the profile of a doctor from America who now works in her native country of Guyana and fall instantly in love with him, but feel shameful for her sinful desires. She may at that point decide that having a child could fix all of their marital problems, for if they cannot love one another, at least they could both love their child and rekindle their own emotions.

Reid, however, by this point will have given up all hope, and will be planning to decree his own divorce, when the ship is attacked by pirates off the coast of Madagascar. Reid will try valiantly to hide in the cargo hold, but he is brought out face his plunderers. They will take all electronic equipment, including the laptop and GPS device. They may discuss taking Soanya as well, but figure she is a witch-lady if she is married to an old white man, or something to that effect. After the pirates leave, the couple will continue on to the nearest safe port to end their journey after 163 days. Good luck Reid and Soanya from Real Wisconsin News.

City of Pewaukee Police Chief Reprimanded for Police Humor Wins Award

The City of Pewaukee Police Chief will be awarded the Sheriff Buford T. Justice Certificate of Recognition for his upholding the values of police humor in language usage and offending others. This award is given each year to an officer of the law who basically believes others should, “Do what I say you pile of monkey nuts!”

The certificate will be presented during a ceremony in the Wal-Mart parking lot in recognition of the chief’s using unacceptable and derogatory terms about females and minorities, his displaying nude and partially-nude photographs of women, and his sending emails with sexual content to other police officers. One might ask, “What the hell is the world coming to?” when a police chief gets into trouble for such minor offenses. What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law, and the chief has to lose ten days of his $82,951 salary because some people are offended by a bit of police humor. You bet your ass on that, boy.

“Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.” And nobody should try to make an upstanding chief who’s just trying to do his job the right way look like that, either. Fortunately, the chief was found only to have violated department policy, and the acts did not constitute sexual harassment. No further action was taken by investigators because those “sombitches couldn't close an umbrella.”

This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags, and the harassment should stop now. The chief should simply say, “We don't got time for that crap! Dumb sumbitch!” and move on with the work that needs to be done to maintain an orderly City of Pewaukee. The chief needs to concentrate on reminding people in his community to “don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway…Now you can THINK about it, but don't do it!”

Though Pewaukee’s police chief needs to be thinking about “One shit at a time” right now, he should not allow the minor reprimand to alter his form of police work. He simply needs to get back out on the road and tell someone, “My handle is Smokey Bear and I'm tail grabbin' your ass right now!” Sometimes we all need to “duck, or you'll be talkin' out your ass.” We need to watch out for those who are offended by any little old naked picture in the workplace or some police humor name-calling. Endeavor to persevere, Chief, and remember, “If you're gonna hang out in places like this, wear a badge on your didey.” And if your kids ever disagree with your methods because it’s embarrassing for them at school, just say, “There's no way, NO way that you came from MY loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!”

It’s Getting Hot up Here

By Dan Brubus
Keep driving your SUVs, people, because we’re about make history! I knew my Lord and savior Jesus Christ was on my side when I decided against going to Miami to take a job with a competitor. “Yeah, the weather sucks here,” I reasoned, “and the girls aren’t nearly as hot, but I can afford a Brookfield mansion for less than a million bucks, and still have enough left over to stock my garage.” Anyhow, the great weather is about to come to me, so I’ll be retiring at about 55 with more money in the bank than you’ll make in a lifetime, and beautiful weather, as well. What do we have to thank for all this? Global warming, of course.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change just released new data that predict numerous climatological events for Wisconsin, created by our own addiction to oil, in which I have invested heavily. Here are some of those “catastrophic” events.

Temperatures in Wisconsin will rise by about five degrees by 2039. Maybe ten degrees by 2100. Yipee!
Buried ships and interesting geological features will be exposed by dropping Great Lakes water levels.
Surface temperatures of Midwestern lakes could reach 86 degrees. That’s pretty nice for a jump in the old lake after a day on my yacht.
For all you hippies, growing seasons and forests will increase. You can maybe grow your own marijuana.
Heat waves will increase by 25%, so those 86 degree lakes will feel nice and cool
Up to one-third of the worthless plant and animal species may be doomed to extinction—it’ll be like a science experiment in our freakin backyards.

Basically, if you maintain the right attitude, not much is really going to happen with this whole global warming thing. American consumerism is what drives the entire global economy, and we cannot slow down for some tree-hugging Scandanavian socialists who want us to sign treaties that cut pollution. Honestly, the EU can cut all the emissions they want, and we’ll still let the lazy chain-smokers come along on our economic ride. And China and India just better back off with their nuclear weapons and outrageous pollution—since when do they have the right to do that? Luckily, we’ve got it all together here in America, and now we can look forward to more pleasant weather, as well.

Bush Might Have Misunderconstrued Jackie Robinson Day

By Staff Writer In an apparent mix-up in Washington, the Bush White House, hoping to garner more minority support for upcoming elections, seem to have missed the message of Jackie Robinson Day, celebrating it at the Samsung 500 at the Texas Motor Speedway watching a NASCAR race. White House press secretary Tony Snow said that Bush wanted to celebrate the true meaning of Jackie Robinson Day, on the 60th Anniversary of the breaking of the color barrier in baseball, by watching a good ol’ fashioned automobile race, and cheering for NASCAR’s newest addition, Juan Pablo Montoya in the #42 Dodge.

While baseball has retired #42 for all players, NASCAR has a #42, and he’s a minority, just like Jackie Robinson, and just like Jackie, is trying to break into a sport dominated by whites. Unfortunately, Montoya is Colombian, and not exactly African-American, or even Mexican. Montoya did, however, finish 8th in the race, to which President Bush noted, “That’s probably the best a non-white person ever finished in an automobile race, I reckon”

Unfortunately for Bush, Montoya has already won a NASCAR Busch Series race, and aides were scrambling to see if Colombian is technically a minority group in America. Either way, Montoya is not exactly breaking in to racing this year, even though it is his rookie NASCAR season. He has finished in the top five as a Formula 1 racer, and has even won the Indianapolis 500.

“This just goes to show,” said Bush, attempting to cover his staff’s lack of research, “even people who speak Mexican can do good in our country if they work hard and keep their ears clean. Just remember that the true meaning Jackie Robinson Day shone clearly through the high-octane smog today, that we can all get along if we work hard, believe in God, and stay the course.”

One NASCAR fan in the crowd beamed, “I think that Juan Carlos guy is such a funny little foreigner. Look at him, five-and-a-half feet tall, and he’s racing against these men. It’s a real inspiration for my son because he wants to be quarterback at A&M someday, and he’s only five-foot-six. That Mexican just better steer clear of my daughter.” The general crowd feeling about Montoya was fairly consistent, with most people being very excited about a non-white racer who should stay away from daughters competing.

The Roger Maris family was in the crowd at the request of the Bush administration to issue the Jackie Robinson Black Like Me Award to Juan Montoya as the first possibly-minority driver in NASCAR. “I have no idea why I’m here,” said Roger Maris’s grandson, minutes before Bush administration lackeys brought Willy T. Ribbs to the attention of the president. “Al Gore should have never invented the internet,” Bush said as he was led out of the bleachers with a corn dog and nachos. Bush’s gesture, though destroyed by ignorance, was legitimate, as Bush wants once again to be the uniter rather than the divider. He wants little Columbians and little trailer parkers to race against one another in circles of perfect harmony, sort of like the circle of life, or the circle of truth that fights against the axis of evil. Unfortunately, facts sometimes get in the way of political ideals. Bush, however, works very hard to control those facts, and he does this for all of us.

Indian Wars Reheating

by George A. Custer IV

In what has the potential to be an all out whooping, arrow zinging, spear chucking, finger pointing war, complete with scalpings, the Potowatomi Tribe has upped the ante in the Kenosha casino conflict. The Real Wisconsin News has discovered that the Potowatomi nation has been funding various groups in an effort to stem competition with it's casino in the Menominee Valley in Milwaukee. The most funny sounding and made-up of the groups, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin, asserts that the Mohegan tribe of Connecticut will be taking over gaming in Wisconsin by building a Kenosha casino. In fact, in a recent television ad, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin shows the Mohegans using a red glob to eat most of the Eastern United States including Wisconsin, until Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin beats them back with clever use of graphics.

Unusually, money does not appear to be at the center of this conflict. Despite the fact that the Potowatomi only have revenue of approximately three quarters of a billion dollars to support its approximately 1200 tribal members, half-bloods and quarter-bloods, the real conflict seems to be good old fashioned hate. Through intensive interviews with various members of the Forrest County Potowatomi Tribe it is apparent that the Potowatomi just don't like the Wisconsin tribe that stands to benefit from the Kenosha casino- the Menominee. Said Potowatomi quarter-share recipient spouse Bruce, "Them damn Menominee are just evil. And the Mohegan, they're east coast evil, we don't need them here neither. People think just because they're only getting 13% of the revenue from that new casino for seven years that they ain't evil, are just plain wrong. Didn't you see the red blob on TeeVee. Them Menominees up to something sneaky by partnering with those Mohicans... Mohegans...whoever the hell they are. They're all evil I tell ya."

Menominee member and basket weaving instructor Bob fired back, "Look, I was a young man when the Congress took our reservation and made us poor. But today, the Potowatomi are our enemy by not allowing us to regain our former glory and wealth. The Potowatomi are as bad as some of those bastards that gave our ancestors the flu a few hundred years ago. They're real greedy bastards." (It should be noted that fifteen years after the Congress took the Menominee reservation on grounds that they were well enough off to survive despite being uneducated at the time and without significant assets, the Congress gave them a reservation back in the 1970s, along with a lot of weed, which was the hippies idea.)

The hate between the two groups stems from years of animosity that culminated in the forceful lobbying of the Potowatomi to put their casino in the Menominee's valley in Milwaukee (which didn't please the Mohican's much either as nobody knows where their casino ended up) in the early 1990s. Since then, the two groups have been at each other's throats. The larger 8400 member Menominee tribe went so far recently as attempting to order a Russian MIG to fly over the Potowatomi casino and blow up their ugly torch, but couldn't come up with the down-payment. The Potowatomi have stuck with their strategy for a decade now of greasing politicians and making donations to local community groups.

There does however appear to be a new hope on the horizon in this galactic conflict. A recent marriage between a Potowatomi warrior and Menominee squaw has given rise to a thought that maybe the two tribes can live in harmony and prosper together, sharing the great wealth of the Chicago gambler trail (through a shared revenue agreement based on construction support which has yet to be suggested by any smart politician). All that stands in their way is the bureaucratic devil and a legal cluster-foo. But with a little help from the Governor on an agreement regarding a revenue transfer payment plan to the State (not technically a tax, but really it is) and an agreement to give at least 1% of their revenue to local causes, a new era might begin.

Don Imus to Present at NOW Conference in Detroit

Don Imus, the much-maligned syndicated radio personality, will teach a breakout session at the National Organization for Women Conference in Detroit this July. He has decided to pay penance for his remarks about the Rutgers women’s basketball team (calling them nappy-headed hos) by presenting on “Why (White) Men Fear (Black) Women” during an early-bird breakout session, just after “Yoga With Grace Welch.”

In his workshop, Don Imus is scheduled to talk about how the patriarchal society he lives in has shaped him into a person who does not value women in general and Black women in particular. Imus is said to be preparing his materials during his two-week suspension from the radio. He will discuss the depiction of women in America from the early captivity and moral novels to today’s personal narratives of abuse and other stuff men don’t care about. Imus will then take on the depiction of all women in the media, and especially the depiction of Black women as either hos or big mamas. He is planning on delving into the objectification of women in pornography, the marginalization of Asian women through happy-ending or fortune cookie jokes, the conceptualization of American Indian women as squaws, the visualization of Italian women as hairy and good cooks, the metamorphosization of Latinas from oppressed housewives to big-bootied-hos in pop music, and the externalization of all women as either hos or mothers.

While some women have protested Imus being invited to the conference, others see it as a learning opportunity, both for themselves and for him. An organizer of the event said, “Mr. Imus will be repenting for his sins against the brotherhood of women and offering us a forum during which we may yell at him on a more personal level.” Women from the Rutgers basketball team have cried foul over the invitation, and have vowed to boycott the NOW conference, just as they now boycott the show. “We used to listen to Don Imus before games to get us pumped-up,” said one player, “but now that he’s just another white devil, we’ll listen to the John Tesh show instead. Or, maybe we’ll watch us a Lifetime movie, because them ladies know how to handle a trifling man, with a shovel to the head or a 2” heel to the eye.” Team members have also vowed to not use any relaxer in their hair in order to demonstrate to Imus just how nappy a head of hair can get.

The future of Imus’s radio show is uncertain, especially with the potential loss of African-American female listeners. He has already been dropped from television, but Imus is confident that his new brand of sensitive talk will bring in more listeners who want to confront their own hegemonical views of women as weaker, more emotional, and less intelligent, not to mention better at cleaning and care-giving.