Bucher Refers Jessica McBride To DA

By Pompous AssitudeFormer Waukesha County District Attorney and Wisconsin Attorney General race loser Paul Bucher recently referred wife and WTMJ-AM 620 conservative talk show host Jessica McBride to new Milwaukee DA John Chisholm for investigation and possible charges. In documents sought but not found by the Real Wisconsin News investigative reporting unit Bucher alleges that McBride suffers from severe on-air lapses of originality, creativity, intelligence and insight, as well as, repetitive cases of bumble-itis and “I just think” isms. Bucher isn’t recommending any particular charges, but thinks there might be something to be done in the name of better programming. Said Bucher, “You know I love Jessica, so this is hard to bring up at home, but I think she’s a little lacking on-air. At home she’s a brilliant orator, and I know she is drilling deeply into stories, but her show just doesn’t seem to have the climax that slot deserves. I’m hoping that an independent investigation will shed some light on the proper remedies.” John Chisholm isn’t sure what to do with this case. “Under (recently retired Milwaukee DA) McCann’s oversight we might have charged Jessica. Non-violent, non-repeat offenders were Mike’s specialty. But I don’t know. I think I’d like to redirect County resources towards actual crimes, not just offenses to our senses. She is pretty, so maybe I’ll just suggest that she be on television where she wouldn’t have to speak as much.”Real Wisconsin News legal consultant John Marshall (yes, THE John Marshall) through a medium said that if this case succeeds, it will necessarily become a precedence and a number of local radio news-entertainment personalities would be at risk because of their general lack of both news and entertainment value. However, he pointed out, the other news-entertainment personalities are not very handsome, and therefore might do better in print media or as wait-staff at one of those insult-your-customer restaurants.

New Football Star Must Really be Good

by Vern RaashkeI was watching BBC News today because I’m a cultured man, and I heard about this football player from over there who’s going to play for Los Angeles’s new football team, the Galaxy. His name is Daniel or David Beckham, and he must be really good. For me, an avid football fan, to never have heard of this guy just goes to show that Euro-NFL has not exactly taken off. I had no idea than an unproven 31 year-old could sign with a football team for nearly $50 million a year.I don’t know if the L.A. team is an expansion team or what, but I’m glad L.A. was able to acquire an NFL team because a tough blue-collar town like L.A. needs a pro football team. I just hope this Beckham character knows how to play whatever it is he plays. The news called him a midfielder, and I haven’t played high school football in a few decades, but we never had any of them. Halfback, fullback, quarterback—those I understand. I suppose a midfielder is a defender who runs around behind the real men (linebackers). Back in my time, we used to call them safeties, but I can’t get too upset about change. Like the DH, don’t even get me started on that!Back in my time, had I wanted to play professional football, I might have made as much as a teacher or janitor. Now, a fella like Beckham will make as much as 1000 well-paid teachers, or 2000 janitors, or 3000 fast food employees. Well, all I can say is, at least you know where you stand with football players, unlike people with real college degrees who always think they’re so smart. If you were so smart, college boy, you’d be making $50,000,000! Smoke that in your pipe, professor!I also heard on the news broadcast the young man is married to a spice girl. I’m not sure if that means she sorts and grounds spices, or perhaps she sells them a nice little spice shop. Either way, I suppose she can stay at home and give Mr. Beckham a few sons instead of working on her own career now. I look forward to seeing how the European style of football translates to my favorite sport, and I hope the Pack plays the Galaxy next year.

Sallie Mae Subject of Unfair Criticism

By Ewe Benjamin Dover

For the past several years, SLM Corporation, better known by its flowery fresh moniker Sallie Mae, has been the subject of increasing negativism. Anti-capitalist Chinese red commi sympathizers, from our very own sea to shining sea, have accused sweet Sallie as being less than nice in her lending practices. As a result, whiny sniveling college student mush brains and recent college graduates feeling sorry for themselves, now that they have to get a job, have taken their complaints to the streets. Bruce Rossman, a recent UW-Milwaukee graduate, after another night of getting snubbed on Brady Street commented, “Ohhhhh, that Sallie is a mean bitch!” Really? This PRO-capitalist, PRO-American writer thinks that Sallie is one of the sweetest most consumer friendly corporate citizens to ever grace our sacred land. She stands right next to the misunderstood Enron, labor friend Walmart and altruistic Halliburton in the pantheon of great American companies. Shameless self-motivated puppets of the far-left pro-education movement accuse Sallie Mae of all sorts of preposterous malfeasances. Constantly complaining about lost and not received paperwork. Then griping about fines and fees imposed when the not received paperwork isn’t processed. Sallie points out that the problems lie with the U.S. Post Office, malfunctioning fax machines and email servers. She also reiterates that the fees could have been avoided if the forms and paperwork has just been in on time. Another complaint falls in the realm of the completely absurd. Loan takers suggest that Sallie’s unwillingness to work with borrowers is due to a conflict of interest. They imply that since Sallie has entered the collections business her actions have become more predatory. That’s silly talk. Sallie has maintained the same level of predation for years. She’s just now found more effective methods of revenue generation. When you consider that interest is all Sallie wants how could she be accused of a confict of interest. Poor, poor Sallie, I weep for you.
Many people also have the gall to point out that the “one consolidation and one consolidation only rule” has been very unfair to borrowers who have been unable to take advantage of falling interest rates. They imply that Sallie uses her multi-million dollar lobby to harm citizens in order to preserve a rule that would in any other circumstances be illegal under consumer protection laws. They cry that HR-2505, which would allow borrowers to refinance at prevailing lower interest rates, somehow keeps failing to reach the votes necessary in the Congress to relieve some of the pressure on their young lives. Folks, take it up with your Senator, Sallie is just a company. Companies don’t run the United States.Ingrate hippies also point to some sort of irony now that Sallie offers mortgage refinancing yet still refuses to re-consolidate already consolidated federally insured student loans. Frankly, I fail to see their point. Why on earth would Sallie Mae refinance a federally insured loan to a better interest rate, when she can have people collateralize the loan with their houses at a higher interest rate when they run out of forbearance? It’s just common business sense people. Through it all, our dear Sallie Mae has not wavered. This bastion of American capitalism has gallantly stood up to the criticism by continuing to pursue her altruistic business strategy of giving young adults all the tools of leveraging their future earnings at above market interest rates. So though some so-called ethicists question Sallie’s methods, who can dispute this fact? And really, why do “ethicists” exist, anyhow? Think about it, the market will dictate ethics, just as it dictates foreign and domestic policy.Sallie Mae now administers more than a $140 billion in student loan debt. Debt that is necessary to promote the common good of our great nation.

Senator Herb Kohl Finally Admits: “I’m Straight”

Videotaped Confession Trounces RumorsWhile he may look great in an expensive suit, Herb Kohl finally admitted Tuesday that he is, in fact, straight. This revelation may come as a surprise to the homosexual community and the Shepherd Express, but actual footage of the senator admitting his orientation can be seen as well in some older Milwaukee Bucks video footage obtained by Real Wisconsin News. In the footage, Big Dog Glenn Robinson asks Senator Kohl if he’d like a sip of his Kool Aide, and Senator Kohl clearly states, “No thanks, Dog. I’m straight.” Big Dog seems to answer with, “I gotcha, big man.”Senator Kohl has placed himself firmly back in the closet with the “I’m straight” admission, and has never made any statements to negate this evidence. In fact, back in 1993, Senator Kohl proclaimed that he was neither a gay man nor a lesbian, which only leaves straight man or straight woman as his options.Rumors about Kohl's flirtations are also baseless. Men and women alike were turned on by Don Nelson yelling at players and ruggedly conducting a tractor around the state, so we cannot come to any conclusions based on Kohl's rumored crush. There simply is no body of evidence to suggest that Senator Herb Kohl does not get completely turned on by Energee, the Milwaukee Bucks dance team, just like the rest of us, men and women alike.

Brett Favre - An All-time Great: Let Us Not Count The Ways Just Yet

by BeavA couple of springs ago, I was killing time before a Brewer’s spring training game at a casino in Arizona (and of course breaking even). I had beaten up on a particular player during a friendly 3-6 limit hold’em game when that player started making fun of the Packers- he had noticed the belt to chin green and gold “G” on my black t-shirt somehow. He was about that observant in his card playing as well, so I guess I knew where he was going to go with his football chatter. He laid into Brett Favre- what a surprise. Somehow he thought that would throw me off my game, and as much of a Brett Favre fan as I am, he didn’t know that I have long since gotten over the twenty or thirty percent of football observers who just don’t have a clue about, well, really don’t have a clue about anything football or even sports related (was I light on that percentage). He told me how vastly over-rated Brett Favre was and how virtually every QB in the NFL was better, including John Kitna, Michael Vick and Jake Plummer (good players no doubt, but come on). At Jake Plummer I just had to laugh at him, tell him how funny a guy he was and let him know that he was about to lose some more money.I didn’t bother to give that guy many of the thousand or so statistical reasons why Brett Favre is an All-time Great player. I know most of those stats, including the winning percentage, touchdowns, touchdown to interception ratio, completions, yards, etc. etc. etc… You see, statistics don’t make great players that we remember; great players make statistics that we remember. Statistics are like trees, the types of stats let you know that you are in a particular realm of performance, like the type of tree lets you know what kind of forest you are in. All the numbers can let us know is that Favre is somewhere in the forest of greatness.What I mostly talked to this card competitor about was Brett Favre, the guy. How Favre in so many ways is just somebody who could be your neighbor- the rich one- but your neighbor nonetheless. A guy who you’d be happy to let into your house when he knocked, or heck, even if he just strolled in. I told him about how Favre had, while in the public eye, dealt with some pretty harsh life realities. Favre dealt with work, fame, pressure and most importantly family issues, with a class and nature that was, in an era of T.O.s and Leons, refreshing at least, and admirable to most. His trials and tribulations were not that different from many of ours, other than he was under the watchful eye of millions of people when he dealt with his. No, Favre will never need to do a reality TV show, he’s already done it.I’m not going to canonize the guy; he did fall to some temptations. A dependency problem- though somewhat understandable due to the level of physical stress and pain he experienced was still a fall- being the one everybody needing an argument against the man makes, including our erstwhile card opponent. Here’s where I always get confused. People who want to argue that Favre isn’t the player he’s cracked up to be, always seem to come back to non-football arguments. I’m a little tired of it, but really, I guess it is what it is- negative people being negative people. I have yet to see one of those people driving in anything particularly nice or living somewhere fantastic or hear them talk about how lucky they are to have good friends or how great their family life is. So, I can only think there is some envy going on. I guess some envy is understandable though. I envy Brett for being better looking then me, a better athlete, making a ton of money, and probably being better spoken.Brett Favre, like all people, I’m sure has his faults. I don’t really know what his faults are, so I don’t bring those things up. I have seen Favre be human in the face of personal and professional troubles and adversity. I have seen him withstand pain. I have seen him donate time and money to people he did not know. I wonder how many “non-likers” of Favre can say they have given like he has, even on a relative level?I have also seen Brett Favre play a game with a level of desire that really emphasizes what sport is supposed to be about- only Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods in my lifetime appear to be on the same level. I have seen a guy who has performed near the top of the NFL for a period longer than all but a few players ever. What I have heard from player after player after player, coach after coach, experienced commentator after experienced commentator, and really almost unanimously by people who are more knowledgeable about football than I even dream to be, is that Brett Favre is one of the ten or so Greatest Players Of All-time. No exceptions, no caveats.Anyway, back to my card game, because I know it’s on your mind. On my last hand before leaving for the Brewer’s game, as the naysayer was smilingly betting six more dollars then proudly flipping over his two pair, I reflected on how happy I was to have been witness to almost all of Brett Favre’s career to that point. Then I flipped over my straight, took the pot money and smiled back at my friendly rival. I’m not sure if I convinced that guy of Favre’s stature as a football player or normalcy as a person. I suspect he’s really a Favre fan. How can you not be? I think he’s just not a fan of losing at cards. When I did leave that day, four of the other players, none from Wisconsin, did take the time to say that they too were fans of Brett Favre for similar reasons as I am.Right now, I can only think of two things before I click save and send. I hope Brett knocks on the door one, or maybe two, more times as a player. And more importantly: Thanks Brett.

Students get high instead of going to local high school basketball game

By Hank WarneskiWaterloo high school students have begun getting stoned instead of going to games on Friday nights. In light of all the regulations put down by the WIAA, students have decided their time was better suited “taking hits” from the bong instead of cheering their peers on the court.Kevin Valtrop told the local paper, “I’m just sick of going to the game and being told by the administration to be mindful of the opposing team’s feelings when we cheer.” Kevin could not understand why the cheer, “He grabbed our ball and touched my sac” was not appropriate for a group of hormone-raging teens to chant.The students are fed up and are staging a protest of Weedstock proportions. Frank Goerteng who is leading the protest at a yet to be named location stated, “Screw the school. We’re just going to get stoned and play a good ole’ fashioned game of co-ed naked twister.”Local drug dealer Justin McNaughten is excited about the potential boost in sales that a Weedstock type event in Waterloo will bring him.The local booster club is saddened at the news, as the income received from these games helps support building new weight room for the student athletes at the school. Booster member Harold Reinhance stated, “How are we going to put out a great team without providing them with a place to bulk up and get inspired. Granted, the cheerleading squad isn’t hard on the eyes this year.”Waterloo’s principal Gary Ross doesn’t appear concerned about the students’ increase in drug use, but felt the need to stand firm in abiding by WIAA policy. He told us, “Hey, kids are going to do drugs no matter if we enforce rules or not. We feel that the WIAA hit the nail on the head by not allowing this type of cheering at events.”The WIAA referred to their policy on sportsmanship and stated that there should be no such thing as home court advantage at high school sporting events. WIAA Board of Control president Buck Diener stated, “These students are just trying to make us change our policies to allow students to begin having fun at high school sports events again, and that’s not what sportsmanship is all about.”

Racial Bias in Real Estate

Column by Rev. Dr. Bling Bling DavisLet us talk about the underhanded, understated, under-the-table problem of racial bias in selling homes. Have you seen this? I said, have you seen this? A white lady from a low-crime, highly-maintained white neighborhood in Milwaukee had the audacity coupled with the capacity to ask if a person looking to buy her house was black. Now, I'm sure she is a nice Christian white lady, but let me ask you, does the Bible say to love your neighbor only if he's white? Does the Bible say to not covet your neighbor's wife unless she's black? No my brother, and sister. The Bible says nothing about racial bias, because if it said racial bias was OK, then we'd all be free to do it with the blessing of God. But the Bible doesn't say racial bias is right. Not once. Not at all.So when the Jews were fleeing Egypt and stepped into the Promised Land, did the old white ladies who lived there at the time refuse to sell their homes? NO! NO! NO! The hand of God came down and smote any old white ladies who refused to sell, and then even the neighbors sold, and then the Jews lived where they belonged.We are looking for the justification of the nullification of a tribulation for this nation! Can I get an Amen? Thank you, Robert. And what we need to get for that poor black woman and the realtor who crusaded for her is vengeance. Vengeance in the form of a check from the realtors who would not sell. Vengeance in the form of a check from the old white lady. Vengeance in the form of a check from the government. For they fought the Pharisees and Sadducees of our time, with great pain and suffering, but they must also have great rewards, just as they will have in paradise.What we need as a community is action. We need people to go out there and put offers on houses they can't afford and then sue the owners of those houses. Big houses and little houses. Brown houses and white houses. From Delafield to Delevan. From Menomonee Falls to Muskego. From Wales to Wauwatosa. Even River Hills, and all the hills and valleys will belong to us if we sue for them.And when we win those houses in payment for seven hundred years of servitude and ingratitude, we will bring dark skin and harmony to the countryside. White folks all over this nation can move into our rickety 1920's homes with cold natural hardwood floors and useless built in china cabinets because we'll be in the Promised Land where our children will behave like little white children and our lawns will be neatly manicured, and no crime will follow us, and no housing market crash will follow us, and those Hmong sure as Hell best not follow us. Amen

Real Sports Predictions for 2007

Brewers make us happy, sad, and drunk (and help a few of us get laid when we claim to be sports agents).
Sheets, Cordero, Fielder, Weeks & Hall make All-star team.
Packers make us happy, sad and drunk.
Brett Favre discovers Randy Moss is fun to throw to.
Bucks have little impact on us.
Admirals & Wave remain underrated.
High school basketball game ends in shoot out.
Badgers continue to be best sporting experience in state, regardless of sport.
Warriors & Badgers reach Sweet 16.
Milwaukee Panthers kick some ass to begin 2007-08 season.
The Bucks allow 24 year old point guard who is becoming an all-star to leave so they can sign a 32 year old point guard who is unbecoming an all-star.
18 year veteran of Milwaukee Baseball League wins local league’s batting title.

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel to be Written Entirely by Community Columnists

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel plans to announce that its entire news staff will be replaced by the community columnists it has been using in its editorial section because of the popularity of the concept. A press release indicated that readership numbers have increased since the pilot program of using real Milwaukee-area writers began. These writers use little or no research and have no ethical responsibility for what they write, but the readers have seen the articles as more interesting than the normal news.
The community columnists will continue to report on actual news events, but they will offer their take on the situation rather than ask people involved in the story. Credible sources like Fox News will be used for most of the Journal Sentinel’s national and international stories, unless a community columnist has recently traveled to one of the places mentioned in the news.
Journalism professors from local colleges held a sparsely-attended press conference to denounce the new method of reporting, but the Journal Sentinel defended its decision. The paper said it has a responsibility to its shareholders and advertisers to sell newspapers, not to accurately report the news, citing the television and radio “news” programs as examples of how news has changed over the years. If readers want to read a blog by a high school freshman instead of an investigative report on the deep sewer project, then the blog wins, the paper affirmed. “This is a democratic nation,” one editor noted, “and as such, we want to give every uneducated hack a chance at writing for us. We’re just appealing to the lowest common denominator here anyhow. And that denominator is pretty low, so get ready for some interesting reporting.”
Community columnists are not expected to sit through long public policy hearings or sift through legal documents. Rather, they will ask someone else what happened and generate an opinion based on that information, just as most Americans do with local and national news entertainment as it is. “No one watches FOX News to learn anything new. Rather, they want their own convictions affirmed. We can provide that at the Journal Sentinel, as well.”
Editors will keep their jobs, mostly to edit grammatical errors, and fact checking will no longer be necessary. However, all of the current sections will still exist. The Cue section will be expanded to include more Hollywood gossip and photos. The Sports section will also be expanded, along with other popular sections, like letters to the editor, which will now only be accepted via email. Journalists are expected to move on to more lucrative public relations jobs in the corporate world, and they may very well write “articles” for the new Business section, which will allow business-generated content to be published as it is submitted, without the annoying “Special Advertising Section” tag. The plan, according to the newspaper, is to allow people to decide what is truth and what is propaganda throughout the paper.

War Criminals Beware: The United States is on the Job

by Dan Brubus
Saddam Hussein has finally paid for his crimes against our government and way of life with his recent execution. Hussein also deserved to die for crimes against his own people, the people of Iraq, whom we hold so very dear. Yes, free Iraqi people everywhere, we stand with you in your desire to destroy your tyrannical overlord, who caused you much pain, death, and destruction. Americans everywhere can rejoice that a known supporter of corrupt government leaders is finally dead, and so can the Iraqis who were free to convict Saddam for being an evil-doer.
Luckily, the world will learn from this unfortunate situation that wherever injustice reigns, the United States will invade, help build a new government, and carry out proper punishments for anyone who disobeys international war rules. No other way exists to take down war criminals, and yes it is a big responsibility, but we are up to the task, because we believe international war crimes should be prosecuted by a jury of peers or American military personnel who can decide which war crimes are wrong and which wartime decisions are appropriate, like those made by our troops in Iraq. Let’s just all hope President Bush’s approval rating skyrockets, because he just made this world 230 pounds safer.

Actual Vandals to Sue for Libel

In an effort to reclaim their good name, members of the ancient Vandal tribal group have sued the major news outlets for libel and defamation of character. “Just because our ancestors sacked Rome doesn’t mean we’re uncivilized today,” said Ulteric (no last name given). “And besides,” he continued, “all we did was pillage. It’s not like we spray painted ‘Pink Floyd Rules!’ on their frickin aqueducts.”
Ulteric’s assessment of his tribe’s sacking of Rome seems to hold up with historic evidence, which suggests the Vandals were only interested in booty while in Rome, similar to American male business travelers today. “We didn’t rape and we didn’t burn the place down. Jeesh, it’s not like we acted like the Romans… and we were in Rome, so we could have.” Ulteric and other members of the Vandal Anti-Defamatory Expression Regulators have filed lawsuits against all of the major media players, including the large media conglomerate that owns this news outlet.

Real Predictions For 2007

Real Predictions For 2007

1. Jim Doyle takes a campaign contribution.
2. Indians continue gambling operations.
3. Milwaukee Mayor embraces boarding schools as way to help city youth.
4. Secret underwater lab in Lake Michigan yields trick to confusing the 187 invader species of the Great Lakes to swimming back home.
5. Inner city murders plummet as outreach programs establish fight clubs.
6. Milwaukee County Parks take blame for county’s budget woes.
7. Dane County officially becomes a People’s Republic.
8. Madison constructs “aesthetic” wall on city’s far-east side.
9. Milwaukee 7 disbands after being regularly confused with Fantastic 4, Dirty Dozen and Ocean’s 11.
10. Upnorth secedes from state in protest over liberal hippies from Madison and stupid morons in Milwaukee. Waukesha and Kenosha Counties consider options.
11. People too young to know any better, yet smarter and better than all of us, continue to marry people they won’t like in a few years.
12. Beer officially made official State food after years of making case.

Real Sports Predictions for 2007

1. Brewers make us happy, sad, and drunk (and help a few of us get laid when we claim to be sports agents).
2. Sheets, Cordero, Fielder, Weeks & Hall make All-star team.
3. Packers make us happy, sad and drunk.
4. Brett Favre discovers Randy Moss is fun to throw to.
5. Bucks have little impact on us.
6. Admirals & Wave remain underrated.
7. High school basketball game ends in shoot out.
8. Badgers continue to be best sporting experience in state, regardless of sport.
9. Warriors & Badgers reach Sweet 16.
10. Milwaukee Panthers kick some ass to begin 2007-08 season.
11. The Bucks allow 24 year old point guard who is becoming an all-star to leave so they can sign a 32 year old point guard who is unbecoming an all-star.
12. 18 year veteran of Milwaukee Baseball League wins local league’s batting title.

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V100 Gives up on “All Hip Hop Holiday” After Only Two Hours

V100.7 Jams, #1 for hip hop and R&B, formerly known as the people’s station, ran out of programming for its “All Hip Hop Holiday” promotion. The official word is that V100 decided against only playing holiday music for the month of December because “It ain’t true to the spirit of the station, though we all love Christmas jams.” Anonymous sources, however, indicate the ill-conceived plan did not take into consideration the complete lack of hip hop Christmas material. “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC is the standby Christmas song for hip hop listeners, but the lofty goal set by V100 was to showcase the limitless range of abilities and themes exhibited by hip hop artists. Unfortunately, this range does not normally extend to Christmas albums. In fact, only a handful of hip hop Christmas albums have ever been released, including Christmas Rap (1987), A Very Special Christmas (1987), Christmas on Death Row (1996), Gift Rap (2004), and Jim Jones - A Dipset Christmas (2006). Actually, A Very Special Christmas was not even a rap album—in fact, it’s a Special Olympics fundraiser featuring only Run DMC. And Gift Rap is as much gospel as true rap. Basically, V100 played the four albums with actual rap Christmas songs, and then the DJ panicked, since their library did not include any other Christmas rap jams, so he played the rest of the A Very Special Christmas album, and listeners were forced to listen to Christmas songs by U2 and Madonna (not THE Christmas Madonna, but the old slutty one). The station manager pulled the plug halfway through “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by John Cougar Mellencamp, and the station’s rep was saved by a jam from Young Jeezy. Later, the DJ is quoted as saying, “If I worked at a country music channel, I’d have two Christmas albums from every hillbilly artist to choose from.” (This statement has been fact-checked, and is true.) Someday, more rap artists may follow the inspired lead of Jim Jones, who said, "I wanted to make a Christmas album for kids in the hood and shit like that.” Wow, more heartfelt words have never been spoken, Mr. Jones. For now, however, people who enjoy rap and like chillin at Christmas will have to listen to mostly oldies but goodies, which are, of course, still off the hook like Donald Rumsfeld.