Wisconsin Farmers Prepare for Brave New Warm World

In response to a study published in Florence, Italy, stating that global warming will make Italy less of a wine-growing country, Wisconsin farmers have begun to discuss what that means to agriculture here. The climate is expected to change over the next few decades, and the state may benefit from being prepared for that change. Apparently, a stong possibility exists that Wisconsin would inherit the climate of the Tuscan Coast, and people all over the state are preparing.

Sales for scooters have gone up in recent years, but are expected to spike with the new climate change confirmation. Farmers, long favoring four wheelers, are also expected to use these Vespas more often. Actually, Vespas will come in handy on the newly resized American farms, as the average Italian farm only measures 17 acres.A number of pubs in the heartland are planning on being converted to discos to satisfy the new need for those types of establishments. Also, local gyms are expecting to see an influx of male members. The fishing industry has become interested in the probable changes in behavior, and they plan on having more open-air fish markets in port cities, with an expectation that people will eat fish on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Wisconsinites are expected to shift their tastes for large motorcycles and family sedans to beautifully-designed sport bikes, sports cars, and vinyl pants. In order to enjoy some of these new passions, Wisconsinites will begin taking one-and-a-half to two-hour lunch breaks, which is also enough time to take on a lover—this is more French than Italian, but who cares! Men from Wisconsin are expected to develop a taste for beautiful women, as well, and that means a major recruiting effort is currently underway. Men will use pick-up lines like, “You so beautiful! You come to my flat and I paint you. Bellisima!”

Women are expected to start buying more gold jewelry. Lots of it. Women will also benefit from the new sense of love the men will feel for their mamas. Citizens may develop strange desires to listen to John Denver music and wear 80s high tops.

Farmers will cultivate fields of vineyards, as well as lots of olive trees. They may also grow fruits and vegetables more commonly associated with the Mediterranean region, like Romaine lettuce. Farmers also plan on renting out their homes to tourists by calling them “country villas.” Overall, people in Wisconsin will make less money but be generally happier, except when they have to kill large cockroach-like creatures that will share their homes once the winter freeze disappears.

UW Professor Makes Closing Statements About Hmong

Could a law professor lose his job for making fun of Hmong people? That’s the question UW-Madison officials will tackle soon, as the case of what a professor named Kaplan said about the Hmong during a lecture recently. The question isn’t whether or not his remarks were accurate, but whether or not he has the right to say them. Let’s put it right out there: he is accused of saying that Hmong men only know how to kill things and that their sons tend to be in gangs, or to be more accurate, we’ll quote the quote of an email quote: “’ Hmong men have no talent other than to kill,’" "’all-second generation Hmong end up in gangs and other criminal activity’" and "’all men purchase their wives, so if he wants to have sex with his wife and she doesn't consent, you and I call it rape, but the Hmong guy is thinking, 'Man, I paid too much for her!' ‘" (Please, any representatives of MLA or APA, help us out here.)

While on the surface, these remarks seem insensitive, especially for a professor from Madison, but what Dr. K was doing was really quoting what other people tend to say about the Hmong, which sort of makes the quote we printed a quote of a quote of a quote in an email quote. Or, as lawyers might say, hearsay. Haven’t we all watched enough re-runs of Perry Mason at our grandmas’ to know that hearsay is not admissible in court? We would need actual evidence, like OJ’s team got on that Mark Fuhrman guy, that Kaplan is in fact racist and not just another Jewish lawyer who stuck his leathern footgear in his mouth before making a sacrifice of burnt offerings. Just because Marty (I’ll just assume his name’s Marty) was ribbing on the Hmong does not mean he’s a bigot at all. In fact, because he’s Jewish, he cannot be a bigot—it’s against his religion. He also probably hates himself, which might explain why he called himself a schmuck after the lecture in question. Wait, his name could be Saul or Ira. Is Ira short for something? I bet Jews name their kids Saul as sort of a jab against Christians like Mel Gibson because that was Paul’s name when he was busy killing Christians, wasn’t it? How about that Mel Gibson, though! What did you really expect from a country full of criminals? He got his first acting job as Mad Max because he was hung over and that’s what the Australian film industry was looking for in their one and only hit movie. Did you know that there are only about six million Jews in the United States? That’s the whole freakin country, and I’ve had three Jewish doctors and a Jewish lawyer, and every single film in Hollywood is Kosher. You know we’ve got 50,000 Hmong in Wisconsin and we’re second only to California? Same thing with milk production. Probably no correlation, but interesting, no? Milwaukee was second to San Francisco for per capita homosexuals for a while, and the Milwaukee County Zoo was once ranked second after the San Diego Zoo. Actually, that’s probably why no one else in the country even cares about this story—they’re like, what in tarnation is a Hmong? I guess they’re kinda like the Kurds in Iraq because they did some work to help America out and then were left to deal with it after we pulled out, and then we’re like, “Come to Wisconsin and California, the lands of milk and honey, and that will make up for your efforts.”

The problem with digressing, as a professor or a journalist, is that you don’t exactly stick to the point. By the way, there are only 28,000 Jews in Wisconsin, so if we get some sort of Jew versus Hmong war going on, my money’s on the Hmong, especially since so many of them are hunters, fishers, or boobie-trap makers. And when you don’t stick to the point, you make all kinds of points that might not be relevant, you might even offend, and you’ll look like a shlemil. Actually, we could fit all the state’s Hmong in Wauwatosa and all the Jews in South Milwaukee and let them hurl insults at each other. And since gay people make up between one an ten percent of our state’s population, they could all be sent to Green Bay (heretofore known as Green Gay) to cheer on the Packers (there’s a joke for you, junior), or sent to Madison to cheer on the communist professors.

The problem with professors in general is that none of them know how to teach, so they tend to make outlines of what they know, and then proceed to either stick those up on an overhead or just talk about their outlines and tell a megillah to fill the rest of the time. And professors keep their jobs by writing crap no one besides other professors reads, so they really don’t have a grasp of reality, or their own profession for which they profess. Which leads back to Kaplan, who is supposed to teach the students in Madison to become lawyers… people who lie in order to win, and who should know at all times to consider the audience. The fact that this teacher looked out at a crowd of twenty with at least three Asian faces in it, and still went of on some sort of tirade about Hmongs (even if it was satire) means that he clearly could use a little help in the act of being a lawyer, which might explain why he’s teaching in college and not winning big cases in the courtroom. Anyway, I say we give the shlep another chance. I just saw his name, and it’s Lenny, so any one of us could be wrong…just keep that in mind the next time you want to cast the first stone. Ah, the khutspe of some people!

Zorro Unmasked After Botched Rescue of Maiden from Casa de Culo

The Dons have finally done what seemed to be impossible. They have captured the great Zorro after he attempted to save a woman he believed was being raped. The entire situation, however, appears to have been an elaborate trap. Zorro, sitting in his Oconomowoc apartment, eating Cheetos and playing World of Warcraft, heard the sounds of a maiden in distress. Of course, the great hero of the people rushed immediately to his neighbor’s dwelling, romantically smashed down the door, and wielded his mighty sword to rescue the poor woman.
Zorro’s neighbor, however, sheathed his own sword and chased the surprised hero back to his hideout, one floor below. The maiden in distress was but a common harlot in the throws of ecstasy, on DVD no less. And the neighbor was none other than Zorro’s arch-nemesis Montero. The District Attorney will surely prosecute Zorro for crimes against the ruling families of the region.

I Am Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter’s Father

I know there is a lot of confusion as to the true father of little Dannielynn. After much consideration, I must come forward. I am Dannielynn’s father. It was September 1998 and I was in college at Florida International University. Being a broke college student, I did the only thing reasonable to make money, I went to the sperm bank. At the time, they were paying $100 per shot. I figured I was good for three or four bills. While filling out the paperwork, I indicated I was an economist who resembled a young J. Howard Marshall, the brilliant billionaire who helped design the former President Bush’s economic policy. Little did I expect Anna to hop on my impressive sperm résumé. Ironically enough, I took a gander at early 90s Playboy magazines while getting the little soldier up for reveille, so in many ways, Anna Nicole and I shared a special moment under the fluorescent lights, bathed in the scent of rubbing alcohol.

Sorry Moby, Howard K. Prince von Anhalt, Mr. Denk, and Mark, DNA test will prove conclusively that I, RD88291, am the real father. I am coming forward not for the sake of the baby, but for the inheritance. Dannielynn carries with her a prize that makes my statement worth the benefit of my humiliation over the cost of my desperation. If only I had enough money to get plastered that fateful September evening, none of this would have come out. I am not proud, but now I am at least rich.Due to the suggestion of my lawyer, I am not giving my name and prefer to be left anonymously as RD88291. I am told this is best for both my family and me. Dannielynn will join a family of alcohol-consuming drug addicts who love to party. I am sure Anna will be proud of Dannielynn’s new home, as we seem to fit Anna’s infamous lifestyle. In another life we might have been soul-mates, but alas she was merely the receptacle for my wealthy offspring’s incubation. Don’t worry Anna, I’ll make sure Dannielynn stays off the Methadone, Lexapro and Zoloft; the rest is up to her.

Southridge Mall Becoming Crime-Ridden

Southridge has joined Mayfair as another mall in the area having to deal with serious criminal activity. Hardcore gamblers have moved in and are breaking laws by playing games of chance in back room gambling dens, similar to those in Chicago clubs run by mob bosses like Al Capone.

Recently, Real Wisconsin News sent an undercover reporter to a dimly lit basement in the mall to garner enough evidence to call in Greendale police. What that reporter found was a great menace: elderly women hooked on gambling and eating inexpensive dinners. Some of the women had shifty eyes hidden behind thick glasses. There was a hint of baked goods in the stale basement air, and the spine-tingling sound of candy wrappers could be heard throughout the room. One lady, obviously addicted to gambling and butterscotch-flavored candy, yelled “Bingo!” at some point, and she received a prize in a small box—a trinket meant to pull her deeper and deeper into the seedy underworld of Boston Store Bingo Night.

Walkers were parked next to some of the tables, poised for an escape if the police were to bust the gambling up, and a red strobe light was mounted ominously above the number-reader. At one point, a recording device disguised as a hearing aide made a loud sound, and some of the “girls” looked accusingly at its owner. Many of the women’s hands appeared to be shaking, obviously fearful that their illegal entertainment might be found out at any moment. A man in a suit entered the room at some point and nodded at a few of the ladies, a signal perhaps that a “take” was on. One lady, who appeared to be dozing off, started suddenly and seemed quite frazzled, a clear sign that illicit drug use pervades the clients of this establishment. Near the end of the gambling, two ladies helped a third get up and walked her over to the restroom area, possibly resulting in some sort of shake down. As the gambling parlor closed for the night, malevolent laughter could be heard throughout the room as the women had once again broken the law and satisfied their habitual yearnings.

President Bush Uses "Articulate" in a Sentence

President Bush, in a startling use of language last week, properly used a multi-syllabic word in a sentence. Describing newly declared Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama as "articulate," Bush successfully made the attempt to string together several words without bumbling. As it turned out however, supporters of Senator Obama, couldn't appreciate the historic occasion.

Appearing on Bill O'Reilly's The O'Reilly Factor, Angela Burt-Murray, Editor of Essence Magazine and Lauren Lake, a self-proclaimed social commentator, legal analyst, relationship expert, interior designer, musician and entertainer (even RWN can't make that up) fumed that President Bush dared to call Senator Obama "articulate." Each stated that President Bush calling Senator Obama "articulate" was an insult to Obama and all black men throughout the nation.

Explaining her point Burt-Murray postulated that Bush's comment was actually an over the top insult rarely found in humanity today. "Look, you don't need to call a black man articulate, just because he's articulate, that's like calling me articulate because I'm articulate. You understand, that's an insult!!!" When O'Reilly responded that he didn't understand, Lake thrashed in with, "In white America, nobody believes that a black man can be articulate, so to call one articulate is to perpetuate the myth that black men aren't articulate. It's another example of the man holding us down through imagery and stereotyping. Why do we have to call an articulate black man who is articulate, articulate? Saying nothing will do." O'Reilly pointed out that President Bush was in fact asked what he thought about Obama, when making the offensive statement. Lake nearly cursed and replied, "So what!? So Bush calls him articulate? Who is President Bush to call anybody articulate, it's just wrong, and shows that Bush doesn't like the blacks." O'Rielly blathered back, "Now that's just wrong! While I may be able to appreciate the irony of the President using the word articulate, saying he doesn't like blacks is out of line and wrong. Look at his relationship with Condi Rice!"

Oddly, neither Burt-Murray nor Lake, both Democrat stalworts, discussed Democratic Presidential candidate Joseph Biden's previous and more expanded commentary on Obama's cleanliness.

Said Bill O'Reilly, clearly confused, "Can you see why white America might disengage from this argument. We don't understand the rules. And the rules seem to change by the issue and with the person involved. And anytime we try to figure it out, someone goes hysterical, like you're doing now." Burt-Murray had no response, to her credit appearing to consider the point. Lake cocked her neck and chimed however, "I ain't hysterical and this ain't our problem no how, sheeeeeit." O'Reilly went to commercial and came back on air with Dennis Miller clearly cracked up about the previous piece.

The Burt-Murray and Lake interview has been purged from O'Reilly's website for fear of being accused of hate mongering. However, you can visit Essence Magazine for coverage on how to find a good black man.

Medical College of Wisconsin will not use Dogs

Decision Seen as Victory for Animal Rights Activists, Dogs

The Medical College of Wisconsin, under increasing pressure from animal rights organizations, has rescinded its decision to use dogs in its animal lab. Instead, the college will use cats, horses, monkeys, and parrots as its main resource for animal testing. “Dog people are very organized,” said a spokesperson for the Medical College. The intention is to maintain the policy of testing domesticated animals that people love while not having to deal with public relations problems caused by dog owners.While people might become upset about the thought of Seabiscuit or Garfield being used for live lab work, a mere 2 million people nationwide own horses, and cat owners tend to be more prone to eating ice cream and watching “Grey’s Anatomy” than being active in politics. Compare this to the whopping 44 million households that own dogs and can’t imagine their little puppies being sliced open and hacked apart in the name of science.

Asked why the Medical College does not use pigs or goats in its lab instead of America’s favorite pets, officials said that testing is more meaningful if done on animals we love. “We can’t do a human-like test on an amoeba,” said the doctor. “Amoeba’s can’t yelp out in pain or have sad puppy-dog eyes, pleading to be delivered from a fate worse than death. In addition, pigs and goats are seen as food, and when medical students slice up food, they feel little remorse. But we’re confident students can still feel horrible about what they’re doing even if we can’t use dogs. I mean, did you ever see Project X with Matthew Broderick? Monkeys are practically people, but luckily not too many people own them, so we’re safe using them in our labs.”

Students will get practice cutting into annoying people who constantly complain through the lab’s use of parrots. Said one Medical College instructor: “Sure, anatomically parrots are not similar to humans, but when you teach them to say ‘Whhok, my leg hurts’ over and over again, it’s good practice dealing with the rage doctors can feel towards annoying patients.” The reason for using horses, said officials, is that many students training to become doctors come from wealthy families of doctors who tend to own such things as horses and Ferraris, so they too can feel sad about killing something.

Other doctors at the facility said that they would be glad to release the various pit-bulls and other unwanted dogs back onto the streets from whence they were collected. “Hey, we treat dog bites at the hospital, so that’s just added business for us,” one doctor quipped. “It’s not like we were killing Lassie or Benji, just Kujo and Hooch. Maybe when state legislators get off their asses and pass us a death-or-dissection penalty for murderers, we’ll get us some real specimens.” Real Wisconsin News contacted state legislators and found that no such bill is being considered, yet.

Sheboygan 911 Operators Finally Outsmart ‘Prank Mastermind’

A sweet little Plymouth made over 100 prank phone calls in order to test the efficacy of Sheboygan’s 911 system. The young lady performed a vital public service, and should be commended for her efforts. Surely, countless lives will be saved because this little heroine took it upon herself to test the system and expose the faults that exist in our current 911 configuration, both in technology and in dealing with people. “You’d think someone would have gotten her name before she made 100 pranks for Chrissake!” said Sheboygan police officer Jim Bratz. “I mean, she’s eight—just ask her. I’m not putting those operators down or anything, but they’re freakin stupider than eight-year-olds, to be honest with you.”

Luckily for Officer Bratz, no actual crimes were committed at the time of the prank calls, though the little girl did tie up the phones by first recounting an emergency such as a stabbing or a fire, and then screaming obscenities and laughing. According to the police report, the girl’s mother saw her playing on the phone, but since it was a de-activated cell phone, the woman just assumed her daughter was screaming obscenities to no one, and ignored the exploits as an eight-year-old being eight. Sheboygan police called in the FBI and Homeland Security because of the sheer number of prank calls, and because they seemed to have no real way of tracking them. Homeland Security suggested raising Sheboygan’s terror alert rating from orange to burnt sienna, but the FBI’s suggestion that the operators try to talk to the suspect was eventually followed. Though the FBI’s profile said the prankster was a 35-year-old white male disguising his voice, their technique of asking questions paid off when the girl gave away some vital information that was used in her capture.

The girl and her mother were reportedly getting ready to go to church when the police officer showed up to arrest them. Surely, the girl has learned her lesson that only adults on television can get away with pulling idiotic pranks, though the lessons she taught the Sheboygan PD and the FBI will continue to pay dividends well into the future.

Radium in Water Could Save Your Life

Though some in the yellow press like to proclaim radium as a substance to be fearful of, especially in drinking water, Real Wisconsin News has learned that radium has been used to treat warts, nosebleeds, arthritis, infertility, and, yes, cancer. In fact, back when Marie Curie discovered radium, doctors everywhere proclaimed it as a cure-all, but when a small majority of those doctors met untimely ends, some people denied the true healing nature of radium. Waukesha County, however, still believes.

Various public and private water sources in Waukesha, Delafield, and Pewaukee have tested positive to abnormally high amounts of radium in their water, and it appears that citizens there will benefit from pure luck and be able to drink and cook with waters blessed with the healing hand of radiation. Radium is simply another great development from the early 20th Century that has received a bum rap over the years, like lead paint, asbestos, filter cigarettes, and women’s suffrage. In fact, communities in Waukesha County could re-introduce the world to products like Radithor, a pre-mixed radium water cure.

Muslims, Hindus, and American Men Finally Agree on Something

At a time when radical factions tend to push away from one another, Valentine’s Day has brought together three groups that are often at odds with one another. Protests erupted in India on Valentine’s Day, as radical Hindus of the Shiv Sena Neighborhood Watch Organization and radical Muslims of the Forum Against Social Evil demonstrated outside local restaurants offering Valentine’s Day specials. The Shiv Senas declared, "Death to Valentine's Day" and "People who celebrate Valentine's Day should be pelted with shoes!"American men also protested Valentine’s Day, but more quietly, and without threatening their significant others with shoes. Most men in America took their dates to restaurants and gave them outrageously overpriced costume jewelry imported from India, longing to be hanging out with their Indian counterparts, who were burning Hallmark cards, threatening to trounce couples caught canoodling in public, and generally having a blast rioting. Yes, it is funny to imagine an Indian man saying, “Oh you, stop that canoodling or we will have to be pelting you with shoes!” but the point is well-taken that no man likes Valentine’s Day. However, the fact that hatred for one day can bring people of such diverse beliefs together means that deep down we all love each other just a little bit. And, in some way, isn’t that what St. Valentine’s Day is all about? Well, that, and fellatio.
See this article in Arabic

Mayfair, Wauwatosa to Offer Bus Vouchers

In response to ever-escalating violence at Mayfair Mall in Wauwatosa, city officials and mall management have worked together to create a new bus voucher system that will encourage riders of the Milwaukee County Transit System to frequent other malls located along major routes.

"We welcome all people in our mall," said one mall representative, "but we’d like to diversify our customer base and free our money-spending patrons from having the living daylights scared out of them, so we’re offering these vouchers that allow bus riders to ride the bus anywhere but here at a deep discount."

The vouchers are good for $.25 rides on routes that travel to other malls in Metropolitan Milwaukee, mostly from the central city. These routes include the 10 and the 76, which travel to Brookfield Square, Bayshore, and Southridge. “We think that some of our patrons do not realize that Bayshore Mall has recently been renovated, and we’re sure they’ll appreciate the pseudo-downtown created there. And everybody loves Brookfield Square,” said the representative. He added that South 76th Street has recently undergone major renovations, and Southridge has always been a very nice mall.

The vouchers will be passed out at MPS schools, at (ironically perhaps) voucher schools, as well as at MPS basketball games. Funding from the voucher program will come from mall store owners, mall management, and the city of Wauwatosa. Wauwatosa has said it would use money earmarked for riot-training of its police force to help pay for the vouchers.

If the program is able to decrease crime at the mall, the vouchers may be extended to pay for charter buses to the planned mall in Oconomowoc, as well as to the Johnson’s Creek Outlet Mall. When asked if race played any role in the decision to offer vouchers, officials said that vouchers offer choice, and that’s what will help all malls—the choice to go to any mall on a bus, especially if it’s not Mayfair.

Michael Redd Upset Bucks not in Playoff Hunt

Michael Redd, recently in the news because of his assessment that he should have been chosen as an NBA All-Star, also believes that the Bucks should be in the playoff hunt. Michael is hoping that with pressure from himself, his teammates, and people from Milwaukee, the NBA will take notice that a team such as the Bucks should not be passed over when it comes to playing in the playoffs at the end of the season. “I worked hard over this past summer, as did many of my teammates, and I just think that sometimes a person’s hard work needs to be recognized by others. And that’s why I should be an All-Star, and the Bucks should be in the playoffs.”

When asked about playoff teams being determined by such factors as won-loss record, Redd scoffed, “Well, that doesn’t say anything about how good a team really is, or how good its players are. We really work hard. Sure, my numbers may not be as good as Glenn Robinson’s or Ray Allen’s when they were All-Stars, but they weren’t working in the off-season like I have been. And, yes, I know that since the Big Three have left, I have led the team almost nowhere, but the fact remains that I work very hard and would like to be rewarded by more than just a string of mediocre .500 records when my career is said and done. And that’s why we should make the playoffs this year. I think we’re being snubbed because we’re in a small market”

The Bucks organization is not backing Redd fully with respect to his comments about the playoffs, and a press release from the team indicates that they will still adhere to trying to actually play well and win games in order to make the playoffs. “While it is unfortunate we’ve had numerous injuries this season, we do not believe that the league will bolster our record or give us any free playoff berths based solely on effort,” said General Manager Larry Harris. Although Redd does not have the support of his team in his campaign to promote average performance as something that should be recognized as extraordinary, Real Wisconsin News hopes that Michael Redd never gives up on that dream.

A Real Wisconsin Parent’s Guide to Controlling Your Kids

Parents today are faced with a choice—allow your kids to figure things out for themselves, or control their every move. If parents allow kids to be on their own, this freedom will result in pregnancy, drug addiction, and jail time. While some parents are comfortable with allowing their children to become hoodlums, most of us want to be in complete control of our children’s lives, and here’s your guide to taking action.

Lock Them Up! The first and most important step in controlling kids is to simply lock them up. While this may seem a bit drastic, thousands of years of practice has indicated that it does indeed work. You just need to find a room with a strong lock (or install one) and no windows. Attics, closets, or basements work well for this purpose. Some parents may add a dog kennel or a leash/chain for added peace of mind, but a hefty door lock and a keen sense of hearing should suffice. If any windows do exist in your child’s room, simply nail them shut, as most troubled children lack the ability or motivation to use simple tools to escape. Some parents may add motion or touch sensors, or even video surveillance, but a well-locked room is much more cost effective and less detrimental to the resale value of your home.

Many children who are locked up are home-schooled or attend “virtual school,” but a surprising number are sent to their local public schools. If you intend on sending your child to school, you will need to be even more careful. Nosy counselors may want to know why your daughter smells bad, or why she draws pictures of her mommy and daddy burning in hellfire. While this is none of their business, the best method of avoiding unnecessary interference from government agencies is to simply ask the employees for their advice. While this may sound counterintuitive, most social service workers feel so worthless that they appreciate anyone who seems to actually want their help, and will instantly trust you if you ask for it.

When your child has to leave the house, make very specific arrangements and do not allow any derivation from the plan. The first place teens head when they say they’re getting a ride home from a friend is some sort of sex orgy, so never allow anyone else to drive your child anywhere. Encourage your child to carry a cell phone. Of course, be sure to purchase a cell phone with GPS tracking. You will be able to monitor their exact location at all times, and remember that your bill will tell you exactly who the little cretin is calling. Most of all, allow your children to feel as if you are being very generous by allowing them to have a social life.

Children will take ANY opportunity, however, to sully your good name and get themselves thrown into a juvenile detention facility, so you need to be able to control your child even while at school, or anywhere else you cannot be. While the classic (and effective) chastity belt is no longer a viable option because of our metal detector culture, a good parent can still combat temptation at its very center. Young men can be dressed in “tighty whitey” underwear, preferably with “skid marks.” Young ladies should be provided with “granny panties”—the larger, the better. Using laundry markers to write your child’s name on the undergarments will also act as a deterrent. Most importantly, your teen should not have access to any shaving devices or personal hygiene products.

If your child still gives you trouble, even with the careful implementation of the steps mentioned here, before you disown her forever, try the time-tested method of using a eunuch to watch over her. While eunuchs have basically disappeared over the last two centuries, the investment in finding one can be worthwhile for a concerned parent. Disclaimer: Be sure to test your eunuch a few times before trusting him completely.

Most of all, fear everything and everyone. There are so many ways for a young person to be corrupted that a caring parent needs to remain vigilant all day, every day. Your child will thank you later, and you will thank yourself nightly as you fall asleep to the sweet sounds of fingernails scratching at the door, knowing your child is safe.
Monitor Your Kids Online. Best Chat Monitor Software. Easy-To-Use. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed

Bush Mixes Metaphors but Makes Meaning Clear

President Bush stated in a recent interview that Iraq had “fumbled” the Saddam hanging and made Saddam’s execution look like a revenge killing when it carried out the sentence of the former dictator last month. The President said that it was “a home run for the Iraqi government to handle the trial of the clearly guilty Saddam in such an unbiased and swift method. But then, when it came to execute him, they muffed the snap and it looked like it was kind of a revenge killing.”

The President was pleased that, “this shows that Iraqis can administer justice unlike the foul balls Saddam had himself carried out.” He was pleased with the trials they got. “The trials, those were a slam dunk.” Bush continued, “I was disappointed and felt like they (Iraqi officials) fumbled the - particularly the Saddam Hussein – execution.”

Said Bush, “I expressed my disappointment to Prime Minister Maliki when I talked to him the other day." Bush was concerned because, "it basically says to people, look, you conducted a trial and gave Saddam justice that he didn't give to others. It just goes to show that this is a government that has still got some maturation to do. You know, it’s OK to fault, just not double-fault.”

When asked about the depth of his disappointment, Bush ceded, “Do you know just how hard it is to sell this thing when they keep acting like this? Man, 2006 was just a crummy year in Iraq. Thought it was gonna go my way, but it didn’t. It was a real rebuilding season."

Apparently, Maliki’s decision to kill Saddam ahead of a statutory waiting period upset the President’s plan to tout the maturity of the Iraqi government and garner support for increasing the American presence in Iraq. “The American people have memories like them elephants; they don’t forget this kind of stuff. And if they don’t forget, I can’t get my redo.”

A Real Wisconsin News reporter, pointing out that Bush’s statements were a bit confusing as to whether he was glad Saddam was executed, asked if Bush was in fact glad Saddam had been executed. Bush jumped up and yelled, “Yer damn right, he threatened my daddy; he threatened my daddy! Damn right I’m glad that sommabitch is dead. Just wish they hadn’t put it on that Youtube. That’s a real mental error. My daughter showed me the video on the computer box, and that video of her shouldn’t be on there, neither.”