Milwaukee Bucks Anticipate Winning Next Year’s Lottery

The Milwaukee Bucks have used their 2007 NBA lottery draft pick to help the team win the lottery next year. The choice of Yi Jianlian, who does not even want to play for the team, should help to propel them to the worst record in the NBA, setting the stage for a few more chances to land next year’s top pick. While Jianlian has been compared to Toni Kukoc, mostly for his abilities in English as a Second Language, he will become another power forward to the frontcourt, allowing Charlie Villanueva to move to his natural position on the bench. Yi’s presence will also allow Andrew Bogut to continue to focus on automobile dealerships commercials rather than becoming a dominant force on the inside.

Some fans might ask, “Why didn’t the Bucks just keep Toni Kukoc, and draft someone who others compare to Michael Jordan, especially when the guy people compare to Kukoc only shoots 20% from three-point range?” Some fans might be right, as everyone knows Eastern Europeans can play well into their 40s, whereas very little is known about the stamina of Asian players. And the whole stereotype that Asians are sneaky doesn’t even mean much when the guy is 7’0” tall. Maybe if he was the Chinese Steve Nash, that would be something.

Experts predict that Jianlian will pretend he does not know any English whatsoever and flail his arms a lot, which should be familiar to fans of Andrew Bogut and Dan Gadzuric. Also familiar to Bucks fans will be a player that thinks he’s better than Milwaukee and who will be nothing but trouble until he is traded away. No doubt Chinese fans, and there are a lot of them, will be excited about another Chinese player in the NBA. Unfortunately, Chinese people do not have as much disposable income as the Japanese, who regularly fill karaoke bars in cities with Japanese baseball players. The possibility exists that the Bucks front office actually thought that Yi Jianlian is Japanese, especially since some people believe all Asians, or Orientals if you will, look alike. However, the reality is that all blonde white men look alike. Just think about that one for a second.

This just in: Sun Yue was just said to be the Chinese Toni Kukoc. Is this code for something? Is every Chinese basketball player just like Toni Kukoc? Well, they are communists, so maybe they teach all of their children to play basketball like Toni—perchance he filmed some sort of training video for the Chinese government. Or, are there 1 billion copies of a Bulls championship series on betamax in China?

For their second round pick, the Milwaukee Bucks chose Billy Donovan, the coach from Florida, and the sixth person drafted from the team. However, NBA Commissioner David Stern put a stop to the pick, claiming that only players could be drafted. Once this fact was presented, the Bucks chose Greg Oden of Ohio State. Unfortunately, Oden had already been taken, and Milwaukee was threatened with severe reprimands if the team did not take the 56th overall pick seriously. The announcement then came that the Bucks wanted to pick Optimus Prime, and once the team got over the initial chuckles and stern glances from David, they chose Ramon Sessions who will likely replace Mo Williams at point guard, or may play center, just for giggles, and is another 20% three-point shooter.

Surely, barring any major personnel changes from the current lineup, the most important day for the Bucks next year will be next year’s draft day. If you’d like to buy a Bucks 10-pack, click here. Also, here is the poll the Milwaukee Bucks put up before the draft:
Yi Jianlian of China will likely be a top pick. Your advice to Bucks GM Larry Harris is:
• Too Risky, not enough of a resume (52%)
• Go For It, comparison to Toni Kukoc excites me (48%)

Vote for Prince

By Caitlyn

Be sure to cast your ballots for Prince William in the Cosmo Sexiest Man Alive voting. He is obviously so much hotter than the other princes, and because he's royalty, he doesn't actually get votes on a normal basis like the Kennedys or Brad Pitt, so he'll appreciate your support. Really, is there a better Prince anywhere? Every time I see him in one of my magazines, my knees go weak thinking about him asking me to the prom or something. I know it's just a dream, but if baseball players can dream of hitting homeruns and little girls can dream of unicorns, I can dream about Prince William riding to my house on a white horse to meet my parents before the prom.

Is There a Separatist Movement for Me?

By John Evreeman

Boy, howdy, I wish I had a few more friends in my life. What with the wife and kids, I don’t get a whole heck of a lot of me time. Well, I am allowed to watch educational programming once in a while (my wife frowns on sports), and I saw this show about different separatist groups, and I was sorta thinking to myself, “Would one of these separatist movements work for me?”

Some of the groups are like super-religious, and I’m not, so the Christian Exodus group, recently relocating to South Carolina and planning to secede from the Union, may not be for me. They want to form their own Christian Republic. But South Carolina gets really hot in the summer, and I’m not sure goin to meetins would be much fun after a spell. I guess I’m kinda surprised a Christian group would get all upset now and want to secede, anyhow, what with President Bush in charge, because he’s all Christian and stuff. And what if these Christian Conservatives don’t like me? Don’t they make you give testimonies about how you did drugs and slept with everyone and now you’re better? I never did any of that stuff, so I don’t think I’d fit in.

So I checked out some of the white separatist groups, since I’m white and all that. The White Citizens Council looked promising because they have chapters in Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, Tennessee, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, and New York. I live pretty close to Illinois and Michigan. They have about 15,000 members and just want to protect the "European-American" heritage from those of other ethnicities. My family was from Europe once upon a time, and if other ethnicities are trying to take that from me, I guess I might be willing to do something to minimize that. You know, I’ve been to Irish Fest once, even though I’m not even Irish, but my wife is, so I guess that sorta counts. But I wasn’t sure about the whole segregation thing. They don’t seem to want to hang out with certain people, and that seems kinda weird. I wonder if they’d want to hang out with all the Christians who are moving to South Carolina.
I also found out about the Basque separatist group who live somewhere in Europe. They don’t want to be part of France or Spain or something, which seems kind of funny because the White Citizens Council wants to be part of Europe, but the Basques want to be part of something else, but I’m not really sure what that is because they write everything in some foreign language.

I guess there are some separatist groups in Montana and Utah and places like that where old men get a bunch of young women to have a lot of babies and tend their sheep and stuff, and that might be fun for a little while. I don’t think my wife would be too enthusiastic about the whole thing, but I guess they try to brainwash the womenfolk. It would be kinda nice to have her agree to everything I say and wash my clothes on the washboard, but I’ve always been told people don’t like to take the garbage out and do their chores in those compounds, and that would cause all kinds of tension. And I don’t know if I’d feel right not paying my taxes.

Nope, I guess I’ll have to wait for the right separatist movement to come along, because the ones that are out there now seem really hard to get enthusiastic about. I guess we could always home-school our kids, even though most the people I know that have done that seem a bit odd. Maybe I should just join a bowling league or play online poker or the Warcraft thing.

 

Free Mike McGee!

Milwaukee news may not have anything funnier than Michael McGee Jr., and it would be a shame for such a dynamic personality to rot away in jail, so Real Wisconsin News has pledged a "Mequon Match" for raising McGee's bail money of $100,000. McGee has asked his radio listeners to donate bail money to release him, and Real Wisconsin News will match, dollar for dollar, money sent in from private citizens residing in Mequon. Show Alderman McGee your support for his fight against anemic lawyers who don't believe in the old-fashioned ballot-or-bullet corruption-laden Milwaukee politics. McGee, who may have paid $5 per vote in his recall election, has asked for $100 from each of his supporters, which would represent an excellent campaign investment, and we hope it all works out so that we can enjoy his antics for years to come. Remember Mequon, Michael McGee Jr. is counting on you! The fund is at $569 and growing.