American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: This Memorial Day, Let’s Support the War, but Not Necessarily Our Troops

by Dan Brubus:

The war on “terror” is good for the economy and my portfolio, so I say, “Let’s roll,” when it comes to invading other countries. However, to be honest, I’m not terribly fond of many of our troops, and I’m fine with the current handling of soldiers with injuries, disorders, and plain old problems. I say it’s your duty as an American to support the war this Memorial Day, and you can pretend to support the troops if it’s good for business, too, but you don’t have to.
The war on terror is preemptively protecting us from potential evil doers and a lot of other important things, not to mention driving my national defense stocks through the roof, so we should all get behind the kind of war that protects our children and our other assets. The war on terror is good, despite the flip-flopping opinions of millions of “Americans.”

The main problem with the aftermath of war is trying to deal with thousands of soldiers who come home injured in some way, whether mentally or physically. I know nobody in my office is going to hire a veteran with their only skill being yelling and shooting—we need someone who’s going to close accounts, not someone who’s going to scare our clients. Sure, we’ve all got “Support our Troops” ribbons on our SUVs or touring sedans, but what that means is “Support our President’s Policies Because our we Make More Money if you do.”

Think of it this way, the average American soldier is the guy who:

threw bags of dog poop at a chain link fence while growing up—maybe at your house.
got thrown out of your physics class and slammed the door, breaking it.
had sex with your wife before you did.
rides a motorcycle, and looks cool doing it.
doesn’t have a million-dollar plan.
will want the government to pay for his medical bills when he returns from the war.
had lots of friends in high school while you had homework to do.
declares bankruptcy after having to take out a loan against the value of his Mustang.

Besides the classic soldier described above, did you know there are 60,000 immigrants in the US military being promised citizenship for fighting? What more do they want from us than to make them citizens of this great country? They want low-interest loans to help them get out of debt and buy homes. Well, not in my very upscale neighborhood, Private. They want medical care that fixes every ache and pain from serving their country. Hey, sorry kids, free ride’s over. That big USMC tattooed on your arm tells me you expect a little shrapnel in there next to the ink. Last of all, they want our respect. Like I said, I can pretend with the rest of you that I fully and whole-heartedly support our troops—it’s the only way to handle them politically. But when I go home at night and make fun of their low academic performance, or vote against plans to help pay for a military welfare state, that’s my right as an American to do, even if they fought for that right. God bless you, and Happy Memorial Day.

Principles of Science: Why the Douchebag gene cannot be eliminated from the population.

by Dr. Tom

Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps recording Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees [or Minnesota Vikings, depending on crowd]?”. These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?

Darwin’s theory of natural selection is simple. If the female peacock has three mates from which to choose – one with blue plumage, one with red plumage, and one who calls himself a vegetarian despite eating chicken and fish, she will choose either of the first two, for colorful plumage is a desirable characteristic for peacocks, whereas pompous insincerity is not. After all, nobody wants to hear that shit. Over time, these jackasses are less able to find mates, their genes do not get passed along, and eventually these behaviors have left the population.

Humans have had over 50 million years to evolve, and we know douchebags have been a scourge on human existence dating back to the early Egyptian kingdoms after the Rosetta Stone allowed researchers to determine that the phalli with hairy balls scratched in the back of the Great Sphynx of Giza were not, in fact, hieroglyphics. So we know it is not a question of not having enough time to evolve.

[Editors Note: Even if you are one of those douchebags that believes in intelligent design, there remains an inconsistency. One can only help but conclude that no righteous God would ever smite the world with a plague of douchebags. Does God consider this design ‘intelligent’?? We must search for other reasons.]

Douchebags could mate selectively with each other to pass down these characteristics, but given the length of time in question, this would have lead to the development of a separate species. By selectively mating together, the genetic material of these helmets would concentrate with each successive generation until they would be incapable of mating with the rest of us [The principle of Divergent Evolution]. The baboon at the zoo picking his ass would not be the gentleman in front of you at Pick n’ Save. Humans have been evolving for over 50 million years – plenty of time for the gene which propulses some dipshit to book Elton John for Harleyfest to have been eliminated from the population.

The principles of genetics
We return now to conundrum of the dicktard flailing his arms and legs in front of you at Summerfest, knocking over your beer in an attempt to impress a skeptical potential mate.
There has certainly been sufficient time for evolution to have had an effect, and we can see that he will not be mating… So why has this behavior has not evolved out?

The answer lies in genetics. The impulse which causes people to fart in an elevator is a phenotype caused by our genes. Genes are passed to offspring through the individual chromosomes of the parents. Humans have two chromosomes, each with the gene for a particular characteristic. Only one of the genes that controls a behavior or characteristic – e.g. whether an individual runs for governor - will be expressed In genetic parlance the chromosome most likely to be expressed is called “dominant” with the other being labeled “recessive”. Let us label this politician gene “d” for douchebag. There are three possible combinations in the parent generation.


The first, homozygous autosomal dominant DD is a normal person. In the second, the dominant “D” gene selects again for a normal person in the heterozygote. It is only the last combination, homozygous recessive “dd” that you see driving 48 in the left hand lane.

In the process of meiosis, each parent will donate only one of their chomosomes. We therefore see the following possibilities in the progeny generation:

For the homozygous autosomal dominant (DD):
DD x DD à DD for all children [all normal]
DD x Dd à DD (50%), Dd, (50%) [all normal]
DD x dd à Dd for all children [all normal]

For the heterozygote (Dd):
Dd x DD à DD (50%), dD (50%) [all normal]
Dd x Dd à DD (25%), Dd (50%), dd (25%) [75% normal, quarter asswipe]
Dd x dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [half asswipe]

And lastly for homozygous retarded (dd):
dd x DD à Dd for all children [all normal]
dd x Dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [50% refer to themselves in 3rd person]
dd x dd à dd for all children [and also inherit Hilton estate]

Even assuming that no reasonable individual mates with one of these [dd] jackasses, the presence of the hidden recessive “d” gene in the asymptomatic carriers [Dd heterozygote] allows for two seemingly normal individuals to give birth to Tom Cruise or Terrell Owens. And this end result is why you spend so much time at the DMV.

Depressing as this is, the scientific community continues to work tirelessly to develop in utero tests via amniocentesis that would allow for diagnosis of the douchebag gene before birth. There are also several phase II trials studying the effect of a novel pharmaceutical agent debaginase douchopranol as a potential treatment modality. The company behind development is trying to scale-up research & development in preparation for the 2008 U.S. presidential primaries.

American Dreaming with Dan Brubus: Sure, We Don’t Want Iran to Have Nukes, But Why Not Our Used F-14s?

by Dan Brubus

Capitalism always wins. Pure and simple. America developed the F-14 Tomcat over many years. It was used to keep the world safe, but now it’s time to sell the leftovers to the highest bidder. Yes, the highest bidder does happen to be on my short list of countries I’d like to see blown up by next year, but we can benefit from their desire to bolster their military before we crush them. We should sell F-14 Tomcats to Iran because we have the greatest military on earth and our treasury could use the cash to help fund the war on terror.

We really do not have anything to worry about when we sell our old weapons to other countries, since we have the best-trained, most expensive military on the planet. The reason why the F-14s are available is because they are retired. When you retire your POS Toyota, do you let it sit there in the garage or say you’re only going to sell it to a museum? Some Demon-crats in congress want us to do just that: not sell our old junk to other countries in need to military equipment and willing to pay top-dollar. It’s not like an F-14 is going to go to some recycling center run by hippies so they can produce hemp necklace clasps out of the fuselage. Haven’t you ever heard of production for use? Weapons are produced to be used, not to be housed in various museums. And if we can no longer use the weapon, then it must be sold to recoup some of the production cost, and if it happens to be used by the nation to whom we sell the weapon, then the cycle has been fulfilled, and everyone should be happy.

Even if the weapons produced for the American government through private industry bids end up in the hands of our enemies, or even members of the Axis of Evil, the cycle is still intact, and we will simply have to buy better weapons from those companies to deal with the ones we sold to said enemy, and the economy booms because we need new weapons. In the unfortunate event a war occurs, American companies will be poised to make money on the front-end, back-end, our side, and their side. Once again, capitalism always wins.

So it’s established that the American military cannot be defeated, even by our own old weapons, and we realize that money can be made from selling weapons, and even from fighting against the countries that buy the weapons. We can make enough money from sales of F-14 parts alone to all but end the war on terror. If we sold more grenades, land mines, and M-16s to weapons dealers, we could probably track down Osama Bin Laden in no time at all. The decision to continue selling our old weapons to the highest bidder is a complete no-brainer, which means even Hillary Clinton should be able to support it, because our economy benefits from every aspect of selling our old weapons, and, once again, capitalism always wins.

Axis of Evil Countries Unveil New Marketing Campaign

By Ralph Fitch

In an effort to retain members and recruit new countries, the Axis of Evil has unveiled a new design for their official emblem and advertising. The current members of the Axis of Evil seem to include Iran, North Korea, Syria, and Cuba, while Iraq and Libya are listed as members in hiatus. The four countries still in the Axis of Evil feel that they could benefit from aggressive marketing to other countries that might consider an opportunity to express their disdain for America.

Interestingly, however, the catchy look used by the Axis of Evil resembles that of American Eagle Outfitters, and reports indicate that at least one member country contacted American Eagle about selling their ae.com website to the Axis. American intelligence officials report that the marketing is meant to target a similar demographic as the retailer: young individuals who think their parents suck, and who think that foreigners suck even more. The official American response to any country considering membership to the Axis of Evil is to immediately revoke “government” status, and instead refer it as a “regime.”

Reportedly, Venezuela is considering a trial membership to the Axis of Evil, and President Hugo Chavez has been given a membership card that entitles him to exclusive Axis of Evil benefits without a yearly fee. “I get a monthly email newsletter and special, members only discounts on weapons, keychains, and many other items,” said the president. Member countries also receive a shipment of surplus cargo shorts for their military personnel. The Axis of Evil said in a statement through Al Jazeera that the goal is to make the membership too good to turn down. “All America gives you is denigrated culture and stripping of your natural resources to pay for American appetites, but we offer you cargo shorts and hope for a future without American meddling,” reads part of the statement. No hard data exists as yet to gauge the popularity of its new marketing strategy, but analysts agree that similar marketing has led to overweight, credit card-indebted Americans, so it may be a sound approach.

MPS Schools Better Reflect Criminal Justice System in New Budget

Milwaukee Public Schools will begin its scaling down of actual education in its schools in order to better reproduce the criminal justice system its students are preparing themselves for. The latest budget has job losses in all areas except for social workers, psychologists, safety assistants, and nurses. Teachers will be teaching more students for more hours with less help, but the plan is for the psychologists and social workers to convince students to behave better. If that doesn’t work, of course, the safety assistants are specially trained to subdue students without the use of plastic handcuffs, pepper spray, or knowledge of martial arts by saying things like, “Don’t you make me get up out this desk!” If the safety assistants are useless, the nurses can offer ice packs for black eyes.

The goal of hiring more people in the health and human services fields rather than education is simple: no one is getting an education, so at least MPS wants to give students a familiar start to a life of crime. Said an MPS spokeswoman, “Our students get into a lot of trouble and they also fail a lot of tests. We decided that trying to teach them how not to get into trouble was actually more important than teaching them how to do well on tests, because the only tests most of these kids will be taking after high school involve only positive or negative results.”

Some disagree with the plan to cut spending for regular classroom teachers and aides, as many elementary school teachers are purportedly teaching entire days straight with no relief from aides or music, gym, or art classes, and 35 children to teach. Jane Dewey, an elementary school teacher, said, “Most parents can’t handle one or two children, and I’m expected to teach 35 all day long while we hire more security, social workers, and psychologists to tell me the kids are misbehaving. I can pretty much look around the room and figure that one out, and I can find out their parents don’t give a rip when two of the 35 come in for conferences. Voila—no social workers or psychologists needed for that one.”

A positive result of hiring staff that is also represented in the criminal justice system is that if students do get into trouble as adults, they will be prepared for a life in prison. “Of course we don’t wish jail time on any of our kids,” said an MPS psychologist, “but we do feel they will certainly perform better in prison than students from other districts because of all the practice we offer them. This is potentially huge, as months if not years can be shaved off a sentence because of good behavior.” A number of administrators at central office are very excited about the possibility of MPS students excelling over students from other districts, even if it is during incarceration. The use of plastic handcuffs, though recently voted down, will likely come up again, as well as a proposal to add gates with bars at various places in the halls and in some classrooms. Orange uniforms are on the agenda in the near future, as well, as MPS looks forward to a day when people won’t be able to tell the difference between Waupun Prison and Washington High.

Halliburton Nominated for Nobel Prizes

by Imanadia Peecnik

American corporation Halliburton received an unprecedented two nominations for Nobel Prizes this year. Halliburton received nominations for the Nobel Prize in Economics, as well as, the Nobel Peace Prize. Said the nominator who requested to remain anonymous, and just be known as Richard, "Is there any doubt that this company has done more to secure world peace than any other? And, they did it with a perfect business model that should be a lesson to all future corporate executives. That's why our board, excuse me, group, nominated Halliburton for two Nobel Prizes."

In simulaneously making his case for the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel Prize in Economics for Halliburton, Richard described Halliburton's accomplishments and influence as such: "Given the volatile situation in the Middle East, Halliburton has still been able to transcend national and international interests by helping Iran build and maintain its petroleum infrastructure at a time when that country needs revenue the most. Iran has many needs, such as: funding foriegn peace fighters, maintaining a secret police force charged with cutting off the tongues of anyone who defies the ruling Mullahs, and building out its peaceful nuclear program. In fact, although it's not public yet, for the sake of winning the prizes, I will announce right here that Halliburton has even helped with some of the nuclear program in Iran. So you see, through Iran, Halliburton has reached out to the noblist of causes, such as bringing peace in the middle east and rest of the world, by directly helping fund those who would bring the peace and making a couple bucks on the back end. It really is all quite clever."

Richard went on to dscribe other Halliburton accomplishements: "In Iraq, we have been able to help the United States mission to free the Iraqi people from the onslaught of foriegn mercenaries by supplying the U.S. military with most of its needs via our revolutionary LOGCAP contract. This contract for supplying the U.S. Military has allowed Halliburton to successfully maintain an effective profit margin fixed to the cost of what Halliburton supplies. That is, if Halliburton spends $100 million on the wholesale cost of supplying the U.S. troops and various contractors, then U.S. taxpayers only repay Halliburton the $100 million and a fixed percentage fee on top. If Halliburton spends $200 million on the wholesale cost of supplies, then the U.S. taxpayers simply increase the fee as a fixed percentage of what Halliburton spent on supplies, which in this example would double Halliburton's profit. Now of course, Halliburton is dealing with billions of dollars not hundreds of millions, but the example is an easy one to understand and it holds with bigger numbers. That they have even been able to ignore any potential conflicts of interest in purchasing supplies so far, makes it an even more efficient and profitable for Halliburton. The business model really is excellent and even more impressive when we look at Halliburton's financials since 2001."

"And going back further and around the globe," continued Richard, "...Halliburton has been able to work with countries like Libya as far back as the 1980s, Azerbaijan, Indonesia and Burma in the 1990s, and Nigeria today, despite unfounded human rights concerns, national defense issues and various embargos and sanctions limiting or forbidding U.S. corporations from working with those nations. Using Halliburton's internationally headquarted Brown and Root subsidiary, the company has been able to legally accomplish many goals, such as sending military grade piping and other peaceful technology to Libya well before the PanAm flight bombing, depoplulating areas needing pipelines and protecting company and ruling party property in several countries."

Former Halliburton CEO John Gibson summed it up as such, "We don't like being kept out of markets because it gives our competitors an unfair advantage." Said Richard, "Think what Halliburton can do now that it's moving its headquarters from Houston to Dubai!"

"Last but not least, well and not really last," Richard went on, "Halliburton has even been involved with helping America, such as with the Asbestos problem, funding private pension plans of key capitalist cogs, reallocating taxpayer money for greater efficiency and influencing the gasoline supply. There really is very little doubt that the Nobel Prizes are much deserved and would serve as a reminder to any Federal prosecutors just who they are dealing with."

Out of concern for journalistic fairness, Real Wisconsin News has been able to uncover some opposition to the nomination of Halliburton for the Nobel Prizes, including ersthile watchdog group Halliburton Watch, the Defense Contract Audit Agency, various U.S. Senators, Iraqis and a bevy of Hollywood types including one of Beav's favorites- that cute goth chick from "Six Feet Under."

Michael McGee Sr. Grieves for Charlie Sykes

Everyone deals with tragedy differently, and Michael McGee Sr. has demonstrated that in his effort to console Charlie Sykes on the death of his mother, Katherine Sykes. “Mother Sykes, she dead,” said McGee, implying that he too was grieving for his own ‘mother,’ who must be very proud of her son if she is living. McGee goes on to comfort using religion: “To me it's the vengeance of God.” Yes, we all must answer to God eventually, and Mr. McGee calls our attention to that fact. “I ain't got no tears,” McGee said, obviously too stunned to cry. We’ve all been there.
“Matter of fact a woman that would have a fool like that deserve whatever is coming her.” McGee gives Mrs. Sykes a send-off to heaven, reminding us all that we get what we deserve after all is said and done. “She raised a sure enough idiot,” continued McGee. True or not, this is an example of McGee trying to deal with the pain, blaming those closest to him. “My instincts say Charlie Sykes killed his momma,” added McGee, going down the road many siblings take upon the death of a loved one.

Even some of McGee’s listeners were a bit surprised by his comments about Mrs. Sykes’ death, but like Don Imus, McGee is expected to be a controversial radio personality, and one way to acquire a dozen or so new listeners is to call someone a murderer. Or a nappy-headed ho. McGee is likely also trying to get Sykes to make a mistake in judgment and get himself fired by retaliating, possibly because WNOV has expressed interest in a Sykes and McGee in the Morning show. Radio personalities such as Sykes and McGee rely on saying things other people only think in order to force people to listen, and though nobody else even thought this one, McGee was using his creative license to set the stage for interesting talk radio, and that would be an accomplishment.