Special advertising section
When AirTran finally closes the deal for Midwest Airlines, it will be searching for employees who are able to work in a fast-paced, competitive environment. AirTran officials said potential employees are encouraged to joke around a bit, like when a supervisor dons a white hood and claims to be in the KKK. Men who work for the company can be assured that if they make advances on a female and she refuses, a bit of good-natured kicking to her posterior is completely acceptable. Men might also enjoy the perks of being able to simulate sex with female employees and passing nude photos around the workplace. Men can be assured that they will have a voice in the company, always being allowed to ask female employees to take pictures of their breasts.
If a male employee happens to get caught making sweet love to some airport floosie on his supervisor’s desk, he can rest assured that he will receive high-fives all around and no annoying reprimands. All told, a man’s wildest work fantasy can come true if he works for AirTran. The right man can proposition mothers and daughters who work for the company and surf for porn while at his terminal. Apply today! Our benefits package is right up front!
Ladies may also be interested in a high-flying career in entertaining male co-workers, with absolutely no room for promotion or complaint, akin to being married. Please send photo layout to AirTran.
linky
Monday, April 30, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Man Kidnaps Girlfriend as Part of Mid-life Crisis
A 55-year-old captain of a homemade schooner has begun to sail around the world with his 23-year-old girlfriend in a trip planned to reach 1000 days at sea. The record-setting voyage is very romantic on the surface, but the realities of oceangoing will likely claim the couple well before the 1000 days are up.
Possibly the most difficult obstacle will be the monotony of spending three years with one other person non-stop, which is said to be worse than solitary confinement because of the constant complaining that will eventually occur. In a microcosm of actual marriage, Reid Stowe and Soanya Ahmad will likely experience all of the emotions that a normal married couple experience over 15-20 years, since most married couples actually try to avoid one another a good portion of each day.
Early in the voyage, a honeymoon phase will exist. The first sunrise and sunset. The first whale sighting. The first time Reid leans over the front of the vessel and yells, “I’m the king of the world!” The first time the couple has relations under the stars. The first storm. However, after a few dozen firsts and then a few exciting repeats of those firsts, eventually, each and every day of the 1000 will seem like the last, and playing solitaire on the laptop will be welcome relief for Soanya having to listen to Reid explain to her the proper way to cast the rigging or some such constructive criticism. And pissing at floating garbage off the starboard side will be much more entertaining for Reid than to listen to Soanya interject every five minutes that the salt air has dried out her skin and she could really use some moisturizer, as well as the fact that he has yet to make an honest woman of her.
Eventually, maybe after a few weeks, Reid will hope to appease Soanya’s ever-increasing scathing comments and moodiness by asking her to marry him, and this will make everything seem better for a few days. Reid will conduct the ceremony himself, and the two will spend a couple of blissful mid-afternoons together without a care in the world. That is, of course, until the first time she thinks she might be pregnant and/or have gotten some sort of feminine problem, at which time the two will settle into married life on separate ends of the boat.
Not long after marriage, Soanya will begin to feel underappreciated for all she does on the boat, and wonder why she is always forced to open the ration containers and set up the table for meals, as well as clean the head. Reid will wonder why he is always in charge of steering the vessel, and blamed when they end up off the coast of Liberia when it was supposed to be Senegal.
Small idiosyncrasies that seemed almost cute months before begin too get under each others’ skin, like the way Reid picks at the dry skin on his calloused feet, and then chews on the skin before he spits it onto the floor (which she will undoubtedly have to sweep). Or the way Soanya continuously asks Reid what his ten favorite parts about her are, when all Reid can think about is his one favorite thing that has not been forthcoming.
The annoyance with one another will reach beyond habits and to the mere sight of one another on the ship, and each will begin to communicate more with the outside world via internet than with one another. Reid may reconnect with a woman closer to his age whom he knew in high school, and Soanya may find the profile of a doctor from America who now works in her native country of Guyana and fall instantly in love with him, but feel shameful for her sinful desires. She may at that point decide that having a child could fix all of their marital problems, for if they cannot love one another, at least they could both love their child and rekindle their own emotions.
Reid, however, by this point will have given up all hope, and will be planning to decree his own divorce, when the ship is attacked by pirates off the coast of Madagascar. Reid will try valiantly to hide in the cargo hold, but he is brought out face his plunderers. They will take all electronic equipment, including the laptop and GPS device. They may discuss taking Soanya as well, but figure she is a witch-lady if she is married to an old white man, or something to that effect. After the pirates leave, the couple will continue on to the nearest safe port to end their journey after 163 days. Good luck Reid and Soanya from Real Wisconsin News.
Friday, April 20, 2007
City of Pewaukee Police Chief Reprimanded for Police Humor Wins Award
The City of Pewaukee Police Chief will be awarded the Sheriff Buford T. Justice Certificate of Recognition for his upholding the values of police humor in language usage and offending others. This award is given each year to an officer of the law who basically believes others should, “Do what I say you pile of monkey nuts!”
The certificate will be presented during a ceremony in the Wal-Mart parking lot in recognition of the chief’s using unacceptable and derogatory terms about females and minorities, his displaying nude and partially-nude photographs of women, and his sending emails with sexual content to other police officers. One might ask, “What the hell is the world coming to?” when a police chief gets into trouble for such minor offenses. What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law, and the chief has to lose ten days of his $82,951 salary because some people are offended by a bit of police humor. You bet your ass on that, boy.
“Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.” And nobody should try to make an upstanding chief who’s just trying to do his job the right way look like that, either. Fortunately, the chief was found only to have violated department policy, and the acts did not constitute sexual harassment. No further action was taken by investigators because those “sombitches couldn't close an umbrella.”
This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags, and the harassment should stop now. The chief should simply say, “We don't got time for that crap! Dumb sumbitch!” and move on with the work that needs to be done to maintain an orderly City of Pewaukee. The chief needs to concentrate on reminding people in his community to “don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway…Now you can THINK about it, but don't do it!”
Though Pewaukee’s police chief needs to be thinking about “One shit at a time” right now, he should not allow the minor reprimand to alter his form of police work. He simply needs to get back out on the road and tell someone, “My handle is Smokey Bear and I'm tail grabbin' your ass right now!” Sometimes we all need to “duck, or you'll be talkin' out your ass.” We need to watch out for those who are offended by any little old naked picture in the workplace or some police humor name-calling. Endeavor to persevere, Chief, and remember, “If you're gonna hang out in places like this, wear a badge on your didey.” And if your kids ever disagree with your methods because it’s embarrassing for them at school, just say, “There's no way, NO way that you came from MY loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!”
The certificate will be presented during a ceremony in the Wal-Mart parking lot in recognition of the chief’s using unacceptable and derogatory terms about females and minorities, his displaying nude and partially-nude photographs of women, and his sending emails with sexual content to other police officers. One might ask, “What the hell is the world coming to?” when a police chief gets into trouble for such minor offenses. What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law, and the chief has to lose ten days of his $82,951 salary because some people are offended by a bit of police humor. You bet your ass on that, boy.
“Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.” And nobody should try to make an upstanding chief who’s just trying to do his job the right way look like that, either. Fortunately, the chief was found only to have violated department policy, and the acts did not constitute sexual harassment. No further action was taken by investigators because those “sombitches couldn't close an umbrella.”
This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags, and the harassment should stop now. The chief should simply say, “We don't got time for that crap! Dumb sumbitch!” and move on with the work that needs to be done to maintain an orderly City of Pewaukee. The chief needs to concentrate on reminding people in his community to “don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway…Now you can THINK about it, but don't do it!”
Though Pewaukee’s police chief needs to be thinking about “One shit at a time” right now, he should not allow the minor reprimand to alter his form of police work. He simply needs to get back out on the road and tell someone, “My handle is Smokey Bear and I'm tail grabbin' your ass right now!” Sometimes we all need to “duck, or you'll be talkin' out your ass.” We need to watch out for those who are offended by any little old naked picture in the workplace or some police humor name-calling. Endeavor to persevere, Chief, and remember, “If you're gonna hang out in places like this, wear a badge on your didey.” And if your kids ever disagree with your methods because it’s embarrassing for them at school, just say, “There's no way, NO way that you came from MY loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!”
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
It’s Getting Hot up Here
By Dan Brubus
Keep driving your SUVs, people, because we’re about make history! I knew my Lord and savior Jesus Christ was on my side when I decided against going to Miami to take a job with a competitor. “Yeah, the weather sucks here,” I reasoned, “and the girls aren’t nearly as hot, but I can afford a Brookfield mansion for less than a million bucks, and still have enough left over to stock my garage.” Anyhow, the great weather is about to come to me, so I’ll be retiring at about 55 with more money in the bank than you’ll make in a lifetime, and beautiful weather, as well. What do we have to thank for all this? Global warming, of course.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change just released new data that predict numerous climatological events for Wisconsin, created by our own addiction to oil, in which I have invested heavily. Here are some of those “catastrophic” events.
Temperatures in Wisconsin will rise by about five degrees by 2039. Maybe ten degrees by 2100. Yipee!
Buried ships and interesting geological features will be exposed by dropping Great Lakes water levels.
Surface temperatures of Midwestern lakes could reach 86 degrees. That’s pretty nice for a jump in the old lake after a day on my yacht.
For all you hippies, growing seasons and forests will increase. You can maybe grow your own marijuana.
Heat waves will increase by 25%, so those 86 degree lakes will feel nice and cool
Up to one-third of the worthless plant and animal species may be doomed to extinction—it’ll be like a science experiment in our freakin backyards.
Basically, if you maintain the right attitude, not much is really going to happen with this whole global warming thing. American consumerism is what drives the entire global economy, and we cannot slow down for some tree-hugging Scandanavian socialists who want us to sign treaties that cut pollution. Honestly, the EU can cut all the emissions they want, and we’ll still let the lazy chain-smokers come along on our economic ride. And China and India just better back off with their nuclear weapons and outrageous pollution—since when do they have the right to do that? Luckily, we’ve got it all together here in America, and now we can look forward to more pleasant weather, as well.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Bush Might Have Misunderconstrued Jackie Robinson Day
By Staff Writer In an apparent mix-up in Washington, the Bush White House, hoping to garner more minority support for upcoming elections, seem to have missed the message of Jackie Robinson Day, celebrating it at the Samsung 500 at the Texas Motor Speedway watching a NASCAR race. White House press secretary Tony Snow said that Bush wanted to celebrate the true meaning of Jackie Robinson Day, on the 60th Anniversary of the breaking of the color barrier in baseball, by watching a good ol’ fashioned automobile race, and cheering for NASCAR’s newest addition, Juan Pablo Montoya in the #42 Dodge.
While baseball has retired #42 for all players, NASCAR has a #42, and he’s a minority, just like Jackie Robinson, and just like Jackie, is trying to break into a sport dominated by whites. Unfortunately, Montoya is Colombian, and not exactly African-American, or even Mexican. Montoya did, however, finish 8th in the race, to which President Bush noted, “That’s probably the best a non-white person ever finished in an automobile race, I reckon”
Unfortunately for Bush, Montoya has already won a NASCAR Busch Series race, and aides were scrambling to see if Colombian is technically a minority group in America. Either way, Montoya is not exactly breaking in to racing this year, even though it is his rookie NASCAR season. He has finished in the top five as a Formula 1 racer, and has even won the Indianapolis 500.
“This just goes to show,” said Bush, attempting to cover his staff’s lack of research, “even people who speak Mexican can do good in our country if they work hard and keep their ears clean. Just remember that the true meaning Jackie Robinson Day shone clearly through the high-octane smog today, that we can all get along if we work hard, believe in God, and stay the course.”
One NASCAR fan in the crowd beamed, “I think that Juan Carlos guy is such a funny little foreigner. Look at him, five-and-a-half feet tall, and he’s racing against these men. It’s a real inspiration for my son because he wants to be quarterback at A&M someday, and he’s only five-foot-six. That Mexican just better steer clear of my daughter.” The general crowd feeling about Montoya was fairly consistent, with most people being very excited about a non-white racer who should stay away from daughters competing.
The Roger Maris family was in the crowd at the request of the Bush administration to issue the Jackie Robinson Black Like Me Award to Juan Montoya as the first possibly-minority driver in NASCAR. “I have no idea why I’m here,” said Roger Maris’s grandson, minutes before Bush administration lackeys brought Willy T. Ribbs to the attention of the president. “Al Gore should have never invented the internet,” Bush said as he was led out of the bleachers with a corn dog and nachos. Bush’s gesture, though destroyed by ignorance, was legitimate, as Bush wants once again to be the uniter rather than the divider. He wants little Columbians and little trailer parkers to race against one another in circles of perfect harmony, sort of like the circle of life, or the circle of truth that fights against the axis of evil. Unfortunately, facts sometimes get in the way of political ideals. Bush, however, works very hard to control those facts, and he does this for all of us.
While baseball has retired #42 for all players, NASCAR has a #42, and he’s a minority, just like Jackie Robinson, and just like Jackie, is trying to break into a sport dominated by whites. Unfortunately, Montoya is Colombian, and not exactly African-American, or even Mexican. Montoya did, however, finish 8th in the race, to which President Bush noted, “That’s probably the best a non-white person ever finished in an automobile race, I reckon”
Unfortunately for Bush, Montoya has already won a NASCAR Busch Series race, and aides were scrambling to see if Colombian is technically a minority group in America. Either way, Montoya is not exactly breaking in to racing this year, even though it is his rookie NASCAR season. He has finished in the top five as a Formula 1 racer, and has even won the Indianapolis 500.
“This just goes to show,” said Bush, attempting to cover his staff’s lack of research, “even people who speak Mexican can do good in our country if they work hard and keep their ears clean. Just remember that the true meaning Jackie Robinson Day shone clearly through the high-octane smog today, that we can all get along if we work hard, believe in God, and stay the course.”
One NASCAR fan in the crowd beamed, “I think that Juan Carlos guy is such a funny little foreigner. Look at him, five-and-a-half feet tall, and he’s racing against these men. It’s a real inspiration for my son because he wants to be quarterback at A&M someday, and he’s only five-foot-six. That Mexican just better steer clear of my daughter.” The general crowd feeling about Montoya was fairly consistent, with most people being very excited about a non-white racer who should stay away from daughters competing.
The Roger Maris family was in the crowd at the request of the Bush administration to issue the Jackie Robinson Black Like Me Award to Juan Montoya as the first possibly-minority driver in NASCAR. “I have no idea why I’m here,” said Roger Maris’s grandson, minutes before Bush administration lackeys brought Willy T. Ribbs to the attention of the president. “Al Gore should have never invented the internet,” Bush said as he was led out of the bleachers with a corn dog and nachos. Bush’s gesture, though destroyed by ignorance, was legitimate, as Bush wants once again to be the uniter rather than the divider. He wants little Columbians and little trailer parkers to race against one another in circles of perfect harmony, sort of like the circle of life, or the circle of truth that fights against the axis of evil. Unfortunately, facts sometimes get in the way of political ideals. Bush, however, works very hard to control those facts, and he does this for all of us.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Indian Wars Reheating
by George A. Custer IV
In what has the potential to be an all out whooping, arrow zinging, spear chucking, finger pointing war, complete with scalpings, the Potowatomi Tribe has upped the ante in the Kenosha casino conflict. The Real Wisconsin News has discovered that the Potowatomi nation has been funding various groups in an effort to stem competition with it's casino in the Menominee Valley in Milwaukee. The most funny sounding and made-up of the groups, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin, asserts that the Mohegan tribe of Connecticut will be taking over gaming in Wisconsin by building a Kenosha casino. In fact, in a recent television ad, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin shows the Mohegans using a red glob to eat most of the Eastern United States including Wisconsin, until Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin beats them back with clever use of graphics.
Unusually, money does not appear to be at the center of this conflict. Despite the fact that the Potowatomi only have revenue of approximately three quarters of a billion dollars to support its approximately 1200 tribal members, half-bloods and quarter-bloods, the real conflict seems to be good old fashioned hate. Through intensive interviews with various members of the Forrest County Potowatomi Tribe it is apparent that the Potowatomi just don't like the Wisconsin tribe that stands to benefit from the Kenosha casino- the Menominee. Said Potowatomi quarter-share recipient spouse Bruce, "Them damn Menominee are just evil. And the Mohegan, they're east coast evil, we don't need them here neither. People think just because they're only getting 13% of the revenue from that new casino for seven years that they ain't evil, are just plain wrong. Didn't you see the red blob on TeeVee. Them Menominees up to something sneaky by partnering with those Mohicans... Mohegans...whoever the hell they are. They're all evil I tell ya."
Menominee member and basket weaving instructor Bob fired back, "Look, I was a young man when the Congress took our reservation and made us poor. But today, the Potowatomi are our enemy by not allowing us to regain our former glory and wealth. The Potowatomi are as bad as some of those bastards that gave our ancestors the flu a few hundred years ago. They're real greedy bastards." (It should be noted that fifteen years after the Congress took the Menominee reservation on grounds that they were well enough off to survive despite being uneducated at the time and without significant assets, the Congress gave them a reservation back in the 1970s, along with a lot of weed, which was the hippies idea.)
The hate between the two groups stems from years of animosity that culminated in the forceful lobbying of the Potowatomi to put their casino in the Menominee's valley in Milwaukee (which didn't please the Mohican's much either as nobody knows where their casino ended up) in the early 1990s. Since then, the two groups have been at each other's throats. The larger 8400 member Menominee tribe went so far recently as attempting to order a Russian MIG to fly over the Potowatomi casino and blow up their ugly torch, but couldn't come up with the down-payment. The Potowatomi have stuck with their strategy for a decade now of greasing politicians and making donations to local community groups.
There does however appear to be a new hope on the horizon in this galactic conflict. A recent marriage between a Potowatomi warrior and Menominee squaw has given rise to a thought that maybe the two tribes can live in harmony and prosper together, sharing the great wealth of the Chicago gambler trail (through a shared revenue agreement based on construction support which has yet to be suggested by any smart politician). All that stands in their way is the bureaucratic devil and a legal cluster-foo. But with a little help from the Governor on an agreement regarding a revenue transfer payment plan to the State (not technically a tax, but really it is) and an agreement to give at least 1% of their revenue to local causes, a new era might begin.
In what has the potential to be an all out whooping, arrow zinging, spear chucking, finger pointing war, complete with scalpings, the Potowatomi Tribe has upped the ante in the Kenosha casino conflict. The Real Wisconsin News has discovered that the Potowatomi nation has been funding various groups in an effort to stem competition with it's casino in the Menominee Valley in Milwaukee. The most funny sounding and made-up of the groups, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin, asserts that the Mohegan tribe of Connecticut will be taking over gaming in Wisconsin by building a Kenosha casino. In fact, in a recent television ad, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin shows the Mohegans using a red glob to eat most of the Eastern United States including Wisconsin, until Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin beats them back with clever use of graphics.
Unusually, money does not appear to be at the center of this conflict. Despite the fact that the Potowatomi only have revenue of approximately three quarters of a billion dollars to support its approximately 1200 tribal members, half-bloods and quarter-bloods, the real conflict seems to be good old fashioned hate. Through intensive interviews with various members of the Forrest County Potowatomi Tribe it is apparent that the Potowatomi just don't like the Wisconsin tribe that stands to benefit from the Kenosha casino- the Menominee. Said Potowatomi quarter-share recipient spouse Bruce, "Them damn Menominee are just evil. And the Mohegan, they're east coast evil, we don't need them here neither. People think just because they're only getting 13% of the revenue from that new casino for seven years that they ain't evil, are just plain wrong. Didn't you see the red blob on TeeVee. Them Menominees up to something sneaky by partnering with those Mohicans... Mohegans...whoever the hell they are. They're all evil I tell ya."
Menominee member and basket weaving instructor Bob fired back, "Look, I was a young man when the Congress took our reservation and made us poor. But today, the Potowatomi are our enemy by not allowing us to regain our former glory and wealth. The Potowatomi are as bad as some of those bastards that gave our ancestors the flu a few hundred years ago. They're real greedy bastards." (It should be noted that fifteen years after the Congress took the Menominee reservation on grounds that they were well enough off to survive despite being uneducated at the time and without significant assets, the Congress gave them a reservation back in the 1970s, along with a lot of weed, which was the hippies idea.)
The hate between the two groups stems from years of animosity that culminated in the forceful lobbying of the Potowatomi to put their casino in the Menominee's valley in Milwaukee (which didn't please the Mohican's much either as nobody knows where their casino ended up) in the early 1990s. Since then, the two groups have been at each other's throats. The larger 8400 member Menominee tribe went so far recently as attempting to order a Russian MIG to fly over the Potowatomi casino and blow up their ugly torch, but couldn't come up with the down-payment. The Potowatomi have stuck with their strategy for a decade now of greasing politicians and making donations to local community groups.
There does however appear to be a new hope on the horizon in this galactic conflict. A recent marriage between a Potowatomi warrior and Menominee squaw has given rise to a thought that maybe the two tribes can live in harmony and prosper together, sharing the great wealth of the Chicago gambler trail (through a shared revenue agreement based on construction support which has yet to be suggested by any smart politician). All that stands in their way is the bureaucratic devil and a legal cluster-foo. But with a little help from the Governor on an agreement regarding a revenue transfer payment plan to the State (not technically a tax, but really it is) and an agreement to give at least 1% of their revenue to local causes, a new era might begin.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Don Imus to Present at NOW Conference in Detroit
Don Imus, the much-maligned syndicated radio personality, will teach a breakout session at the National Organization for Women Conference in Detroit this July. He has decided to pay penance for his remarks about the Rutgers women’s basketball team (calling them nappy-headed hos) by presenting on “Why (White) Men Fear (Black) Women” during an early-bird breakout session, just after “Yoga With Grace Welch.”
In his workshop, Don Imus is scheduled to talk about how the patriarchal society he lives in has shaped him into a person who does not value women in general and Black women in particular. Imus is said to be preparing his materials during his two-week suspension from the radio. He will discuss the depiction of women in America from the early captivity and moral novels to today’s personal narratives of abuse and other stuff men don’t care about. Imus will then take on the depiction of all women in the media, and especially the depiction of Black women as either hos or big mamas. He is planning on delving into the objectification of women in pornography, the marginalization of Asian women through happy-ending or fortune cookie jokes, the conceptualization of American Indian women as squaws, the visualization of Italian women as hairy and good cooks, the metamorphosization of Latinas from oppressed housewives to big-bootied-hos in pop music, and the externalization of all women as either hos or mothers.
While some women have protested Imus being invited to the conference, others see it as a learning opportunity, both for themselves and for him. An organizer of the event said, “Mr. Imus will be repenting for his sins against the brotherhood of women and offering us a forum during which we may yell at him on a more personal level.” Women from the Rutgers basketball team have cried foul over the invitation, and have vowed to boycott the NOW conference, just as they now boycott the show. “We used to listen to Don Imus before games to get us pumped-up,” said one player, “but now that he’s just another white devil, we’ll listen to the John Tesh show instead. Or, maybe we’ll watch us a Lifetime movie, because them ladies know how to handle a trifling man, with a shovel to the head or a 2” heel to the eye.” Team members have also vowed to not use any relaxer in their hair in order to demonstrate to Imus just how nappy a head of hair can get.
The future of Imus’s radio show is uncertain, especially with the potential loss of African-American female listeners. He has already been dropped from television, but Imus is confident that his new brand of sensitive talk will bring in more listeners who want to confront their own hegemonical views of women as weaker, more emotional, and less intelligent, not to mention better at cleaning and care-giving.
In his workshop, Don Imus is scheduled to talk about how the patriarchal society he lives in has shaped him into a person who does not value women in general and Black women in particular. Imus is said to be preparing his materials during his two-week suspension from the radio. He will discuss the depiction of women in America from the early captivity and moral novels to today’s personal narratives of abuse and other stuff men don’t care about. Imus will then take on the depiction of all women in the media, and especially the depiction of Black women as either hos or big mamas. He is planning on delving into the objectification of women in pornography, the marginalization of Asian women through happy-ending or fortune cookie jokes, the conceptualization of American Indian women as squaws, the visualization of Italian women as hairy and good cooks, the metamorphosization of Latinas from oppressed housewives to big-bootied-hos in pop music, and the externalization of all women as either hos or mothers.
While some women have protested Imus being invited to the conference, others see it as a learning opportunity, both for themselves and for him. An organizer of the event said, “Mr. Imus will be repenting for his sins against the brotherhood of women and offering us a forum during which we may yell at him on a more personal level.” Women from the Rutgers basketball team have cried foul over the invitation, and have vowed to boycott the NOW conference, just as they now boycott the show. “We used to listen to Don Imus before games to get us pumped-up,” said one player, “but now that he’s just another white devil, we’ll listen to the John Tesh show instead. Or, maybe we’ll watch us a Lifetime movie, because them ladies know how to handle a trifling man, with a shovel to the head or a 2” heel to the eye.” Team members have also vowed to not use any relaxer in their hair in order to demonstrate to Imus just how nappy a head of hair can get.
The future of Imus’s radio show is uncertain, especially with the potential loss of African-American female listeners. He has already been dropped from television, but Imus is confident that his new brand of sensitive talk will bring in more listeners who want to confront their own hegemonical views of women as weaker, more emotional, and less intelligent, not to mention better at cleaning and care-giving.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Art Critics Miss Point in Pewaukee Man’s Performance Art
By Rainbow Meadows
A man from Pewaukee was arrested April 4th for his new performance art exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Art critics have said that the form of performance art, known as artisto destructo and utilized by such well-known artists as John Cage and Yoko Ono, is little more than someone who is not artistic interacting with art. The piece at the Milwaukee Art Museum, however, involved a man called “Pewaukee Man” ripping down "The Triumph of David" by Ottavio Vannini and putting his foot through the painting, valued at $300,000. Pewaukee Man’s work, entitled “David and Goliath’s Goliath” was no mere angry tirade, but a work of performance art that may turn the art world upside down.
Some avant-garde artists are already hailing the video surveillance of the work as a masterpiece of masterpiece destruction, and some have even vowed to put on their own exhibitions across the country. An artist calling herself “Annihilatia” said in a monotone hum during a phone interview, “Art is in the hands of the people. We are all people. We are all art. A Pewaukee Man is an artist and Ottavio Vannini is an artist. Vannini is dead. David is dead. Goliath is dead. Pewaukee Man’s foot is alive.”
Another artist, calling himself/herself “untitled,” wrote on an art blog that, “If a tree falls in a forest, that is not art, but when a logger cuts down a tree and yells, ‘Timber!’ that is art. A man stomping a piece of art is art, and a man urinating on a building is art, be it an art building or a library. When we get that, we will all know where we are as humans. Pewaukee Man gets it.”
Pewaukee Man may face charges in the assault of the art work, but he is also expected to apply for a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts in order to further his own performance art career. Many art organizations have come under attack in recent years for supporting art that the general public does not fully understand, and Pewaukee Man’s art would likely fall into that category for most people. However, the fact that local media has for the first time said the words “Ottavio Vannini” leads one to wonder if Pewaukee Man’s exhibition does in fact have some redeeming characteristics. For example, had you not read this, would you have looked at this link? Yes, Pewaukee Man’s quest to enlighten us all and demonstrate the power of art may actually do just that.
A man from Pewaukee was arrested April 4th for his new performance art exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Art critics have said that the form of performance art, known as artisto destructo and utilized by such well-known artists as John Cage and Yoko Ono, is little more than someone who is not artistic interacting with art. The piece at the Milwaukee Art Museum, however, involved a man called “Pewaukee Man” ripping down "The Triumph of David" by Ottavio Vannini and putting his foot through the painting, valued at $300,000. Pewaukee Man’s work, entitled “David and Goliath’s Goliath” was no mere angry tirade, but a work of performance art that may turn the art world upside down.
Some avant-garde artists are already hailing the video surveillance of the work as a masterpiece of masterpiece destruction, and some have even vowed to put on their own exhibitions across the country. An artist calling herself “Annihilatia” said in a monotone hum during a phone interview, “Art is in the hands of the people. We are all people. We are all art. A Pewaukee Man is an artist and Ottavio Vannini is an artist. Vannini is dead. David is dead. Goliath is dead. Pewaukee Man’s foot is alive.”
Another artist, calling himself/herself “untitled,” wrote on an art blog that, “If a tree falls in a forest, that is not art, but when a logger cuts down a tree and yells, ‘Timber!’ that is art. A man stomping a piece of art is art, and a man urinating on a building is art, be it an art building or a library. When we get that, we will all know where we are as humans. Pewaukee Man gets it.”
Pewaukee Man may face charges in the assault of the art work, but he is also expected to apply for a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts in order to further his own performance art career. Many art organizations have come under attack in recent years for supporting art that the general public does not fully understand, and Pewaukee Man’s art would likely fall into that category for most people. However, the fact that local media has for the first time said the words “Ottavio Vannini” leads one to wonder if Pewaukee Man’s exhibition does in fact have some redeeming characteristics. For example, had you not read this, would you have looked at this link? Yes, Pewaukee Man’s quest to enlighten us all and demonstrate the power of art may actually do just that.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Columbia St. Mary's and Froedtert Will Work Twice as Hard to Remain Inefficient
With the merger of two major health systems and the potential for efficient implementation of care, both Columbia St. Mary’s and Froedtert will have to exceed expected levels of inefficiencies in order to maintain their high prices for average care that people in Wisconsin have come to expect. Patients have begun asking some pertinent questions and voicing concerns:
“When I go to the doctor, I expect to spend at least three times the duration of my consultation in the waiting room. I just worry about that with the merger, because it seems like they could do things faster.” The answer from the major players is a resounding “Yes We Can!” A Froedtert spokesman affirmed that wait times will be just as long as before the merger. He also noted that many medical records will be misplaced, lost, or read by unauthorized people during the merger, so patients can expect at least the same amount of ineptitude as they are accustomed to.
“I like it when I get told by a doctor that I need to see a doctor out of my insurance network. It makes me feel special because I get to pay a real premium for my care. How can that happen with all these doctors under one network?” The merged medical group plans on instituting more needless tests and prescribing more designer drugs in order to make up for the loss of star treatment by recommending doctors outside of insurance networks. “We can always find a reason to run an MRI on a patient,” said one doctor.
“Won’t this make visiting a doctor more convenient because the doctor can work out of more facilities?” When patients consider the scheduling conflicts, unknowledgeable staff, and en route golf courses, the fact that a doctor will see patients at more facilities should not change much at all.
“Wait, won’t they stop building on to Milwaukee Regional Medical Center if other facilities are added into the group? I’m worried that my insurance co-pay might go down if construction costs are kept low.” While conventional wisdom might suggest that services and specialties could be shared, the MRMC is dedicated to a long-term plan of building in order to maintain a sense of better care and increased charges for its patients. “Hey, if Aurora wants to build half-empty hospitals, we certainly can match them brick for brick,” said a spokesperson. “However, we like to see a hospital as half full rather than half empty.”
“I can see my doctor as becoming less egotistical if he has all these other doctors to answer to. I’m worried that he’ll become open to new ideas.” Studies show that irregardless of hospital size, doctors maintain the same high levels of ego and low levels of bedside manner, so you do not have to worry about your doctor pretending to care more about you or admitting when he’s wrong, because he still never will be wrong.
“C’mon, won’t I get right in to see a doctor now when I go to the emergency room? What would life be without stories of three-hour waits at the emergency room?” Again, wait time will remain the same, and this includes all emergency rooms. Unless you have a bullet in your head or a severed limb, you might as well still grab a chair and do some serious people-watching.
“Isn’t this just another step towards nationalized health care, which will never work because all good doctors will start private practices in Mexico and leave the country?” Just the opposite: this merger is a step towards the ultimate in capitalist inefficiency and waste—the monopoly. Once we complete the merger and offer our new corporation for sale to Aurora, you will get all the overpaid doctors and overpriced services and overbuilt facilities you could possibly imagine. Since you do not pay attention to how much you are charged now, you will likely remain in a similar state of blissful ignorance throughout the process, and you will be told in full-page special advertising sections of the newspaper how good it is for you, and you will believe.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Young People Dispute Mayfair Rules, Scare Passers-by
A large number of mostly African-American youths gathered across the street from Mayfair Mall recently in order to protest the new rules at the mall, and to scare anyone who ventured too close to their “gang.” The mall has vowed to keep youngsters out of the mall because of increased crime when they are allowed in, but the protesters have deemed the rules as unnecessary. “What the mall needs to do is hire folks from the community to help control the children,” said one youth counselor. “Those kids trust us more than some cracka-ass security guard.”
Some of the youth held signs that read “Being young is not a crime,” while others made aggressive gestures with their hands at cars that drove by. At one point, a protester yelled, “Yeah, go into the mall with your mama!” at an SUV that was turning into the mall parking lot. After nearly an hour of protesting, a small contingent began a rap-battle, wherein youngsters lamented their not being allowed to congregate in the mall: “Yeah, yeah, I said the man got me down, the man got me down/ he think I be all clownin around/ like they gotsta mace me/ when I’s shoppin at Macy’s/ lookin fo my gat, lookin fo my gat/ Mr. Officer don’t know where it at/ so don’t mean-mug me, don’t gimme no smack/ or I’ll cap yo ass outside Janie and Jack./ And now it’s time to let us in, bitch/ Gotta get me some Abercrombie and Fitch.”
When the cameras from the local news outlets showed up, the youths who were gathered around the rap battlers all ran furiously towards the cameras and started jumping up and down behind one reporter. Leaders from such groups as the Urban Underground and the Running Rebels conducted interviews with local news reporters. When asked by Real Wisconsin News if they had any association with the Digital Underground or the Confederate Army, they seemed confused, and restated their talking points, namely that if the youth are not allowed in Mayfair, they will have no choice but to hang out on the streets and commit crimes. “Back when I was in high school,” said one leader, “I was able to hang out at Capitol Court, and then also at Northridge. We just want these young people to have the same opportunities we had back then.”
Some of the youth held signs that read “Being young is not a crime,” while others made aggressive gestures with their hands at cars that drove by. At one point, a protester yelled, “Yeah, go into the mall with your mama!” at an SUV that was turning into the mall parking lot. After nearly an hour of protesting, a small contingent began a rap-battle, wherein youngsters lamented their not being allowed to congregate in the mall: “Yeah, yeah, I said the man got me down, the man got me down/ he think I be all clownin around/ like they gotsta mace me/ when I’s shoppin at Macy’s/ lookin fo my gat, lookin fo my gat/ Mr. Officer don’t know where it at/ so don’t mean-mug me, don’t gimme no smack/ or I’ll cap yo ass outside Janie and Jack./ And now it’s time to let us in, bitch/ Gotta get me some Abercrombie and Fitch.”
When the cameras from the local news outlets showed up, the youths who were gathered around the rap battlers all ran furiously towards the cameras and started jumping up and down behind one reporter. Leaders from such groups as the Urban Underground and the Running Rebels conducted interviews with local news reporters. When asked by Real Wisconsin News if they had any association with the Digital Underground or the Confederate Army, they seemed confused, and restated their talking points, namely that if the youth are not allowed in Mayfair, they will have no choice but to hang out on the streets and commit crimes. “Back when I was in high school,” said one leader, “I was able to hang out at Capitol Court, and then also at Northridge. We just want these young people to have the same opportunities we had back then.”
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