Wauwatosa Begins New Era in Bubbler Labeling

Along with its controversial ban on smoking in all public buildings, Wauwatosa will soon implement further guides as to who can do what where. The recent labeling of certain bubblers at Wauwatosa West High School was the first in a series of moves that will help guide its residents on how to behave.

Two bubblers sitting side by side were labeled “White” on one and “Colored” on the other, allowing students to know which one was for which purpose. The “White” bubbler has been deemed the one for spitting out chewing tobacco into, while the “Colored” bubbler is to be used for cooling students off on hot days. Another bubbler in the school that is all metal and has a push-bar in the front will be labeled “Retard” and meant for people who cannot twist handles. A fourth bubbler, labeled “Teachers,” is motion-sensor activated and meant for lazy staff members. A gold and jewel-encrusted water cooler with water imported from France in the main office reads “Administration.”

Similar labeling of devices and facilities will begin throughout the city. The tennis courts at Hart Park will have a sign displaying, “Household income over $100,000,” while the football field there will display a sign that reads, “GPA under 3.0.” Our Redeemer Lutheran Church and School has created a sign that reads, “Heaven-bound Lutherans only.” Mo’s Irish Pub plans on a “Parking for Irish people only” sign for their crowded parking lot. Many local gas stations will also post “Supporters of Terrorism” signs on their pumps.

Some critics of the new signage policies in Wauwatosa see it as an overextension of the new rules being implemented against smoking, as well as at Mayfair Mall to help control crime. Youngsters skipping classes from Wauwatosa West are frustrated with new rules and signs that cripple their ability to shoplift and intimidate old ladies. These teens are not allowed into the mall without the supervision of an adult, which some call “ageism” and others call “intelligent.” While business and public places may benefit from the new rules, one can’t help but wonder how well the new Culver’s marquee that reads “Fatties Welcome” will go over.

Chronic Wasting Disease not so Bad Says Local Hunter

CWD Near Waukesha County Not a Problem

Gus Tredinger has declared that Chronic Wasting Disease is not as bad as many seem to believe. In fact, according to him, it’s quite tasty, and the meat of infected deer tends to be more succulent. “I just don’t know what all hub-bub’s about,” he said while buying ammunition and deer food at a local sporting goods store. “I’ve eaten deer my whole life, and I don’t have any chronic signs of wasting away.”

The disease itself is always fatal in deer and is caused by proteinaceous infectious particles. Affected deer are adults, and they tend to have symptoms such as listlessness, blank facial expression, and repetitive walking in set patterns, not unlike the hunters who hunt them. According to Tredinger, this makes the deer easy targets. “They just walk back and forth in front of you asking to get shot,” he quipped. “I put them out of their misery and they feed my family.”

While no proof exists that the disease can be transferred to humans, some in the public health sector have pointed to Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease and Mad-Cow Disease in humans as evidence for avoiding infected deer. However, only 120 people have ever contracted the Mad-Cow variant of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, and they have all been in Europe. “Think about it,” Gus said, “Europe’s a big country, and every one of those people died doing what they love—eating beef. I’d consider myself lucky if I died because of something I love, like getting shot by a friend in our ambush crossfire sector of the woods. Or getting thrown from my ATV after hanging out with my buddies at the watering hole. Or even eating an infected 12 pointer and having my brain melt while I’m still alive.”

The Wisconsin DNR and the World Health Organization have issued warnings to avoid eating tissues from the brain, spinal cord, eyes, spleen, tonsils and lymph nodes, since that’s where the disease resides. A spokesman for the Wisconsin DNR confirmed that Wisconsin has had no cases of hunters or their families coming down with any Chronic Wasting Disease symptoms, but he did assert that a number of hunters do die each year while slamming their ATVs or snowmobiles into trees after drinking. While driving into trees or onto thin ice may be signs of poor decision making, no evidence exists to link this behavior to the deer hunters eat.

Shorewood High School Fight Proves Schools Need Change

Poor Fighting Style a Sign of Inadequate Training

Two students who ‘took it outside’ at Shorewood high school really should have left it in the lunchroom, because the fight was a demonstration of ridiculous fighting styles and poor sportsmanship. If this is not addressed at local high schools immediately, our nation’s youth will never learn how to conduct themselves appropriately. The videotape of the fight shows two students who apparently have some score to settle, perchance the white youngster received his ungainly haircut from the black child’s mother. Or maybe someone was mean-mugging someone’s bitch. Really, the reason for the fight is irrelevant, as was the result, though it does make for humorous video.

The trash-talking leading up to the fight is amateur at best. No mama jokes. No real egging-on. Just a “get it on, get it on” and a “swing white boy, swing” chant yelled by one student. The white student holds up his fists to protect his chest, leaving his body and face open to any shots. A young lady decides to act as referee, which is simply unnecessary in a fight of this nature. A ‘second’ appears for each combatant at some point, as well as a few more ‘shorties,’ while most of the crowd stays nearer to the school building.

When the white boy finally does swing, he seems to throw an underhanded right, not an uppercut or a jab per se, just an honest-to-God underhanded punch, thrown like he is a junior bowler, and, of course, leaving his entire body open to a counter-punch. Of course, he receives no quick counter that could have ended the fight. Rather, the black student grabs him by the head and throws a few right crosses as they begin to roll around. The white boy peppers the black boy with kidney shots akin to the love-taps my wife gives me when I snore too loudly, and the two youngsters roll around a bit, obviously distracted by their inadequate loose-fitting fighting attire.

At some point, as the fight is getting nowhere, two of the shorties decide to kick the white boy. Well, deserved, I’d say, as he threw the first ‘punch’ and now wants to hold on like it’s a slow dance. The white boy is likely not injured by any of the girls hitting him, except for maybe his pride, but that pride is fairly messed up by the black kid’s slap-punches to his face.

The best action of the fight takes place as the white boy tries to flee and actually is able to flip the black boy over as he gives chase. This leads to overhand rights thrown at one another and lots of shirt-grabbing. The punches are very slow and timed like a Michael Richards joke. The white boy eventually tumbles back to the ground and tries a ‘kip-up,’ but fails at that too. Then someone turns on the police lights and everyone scatters like cockroaches along your kitchen baseboards.

Are we teaching our young men to fight like this in schools today? Improper stance, inefficient offense, non-existent defense, females allowed to join in, lethargic effort. You can blame wrestling on TV or too many video games, but the fact of the matter is that these kids couldn’t go into a nursing home and win against a World War II vet. It’s not like you get little video game paddles to control fighting in real life, sonny-boy. Our youth need to learn how to jab to keep their opponents honest. They need to learn how to throw combinations, body-shots, and the occasional uppercut. And by all means, they need to learn how to hit with both hands, and not just hold and hit. Sure, this might look fun on TV, and we can all laugh at the two clowns from Shorewood who fight like fruitcakes, but do you think the Chinese are teaching their kids to fight like this? If our country’s parents don’t have the time to teach their kids even basic fight techniques, then our schools must step in and stress the importance of being able to do something with your hands.

Bucks to Form All-Circus Team

The Milwaukee Bucks, in the hopes of drawing more fans, are in the process of acquiring a team that may not be able to compete on the court, but certainly will entertain people. The team will begin trading for players that are considered to be freaks of nature, or at least of basketball. Their recent acquisition of 5’5’’ Earl Boykins is the first in a string of trades that will create what is known as a theme-team. Just as the Harlem Globetrotters train mediocre players to dribble basketballs off referees’ heads and throw buckets of water on unsuspecting fans, the Milwaukee Bucks will also create a buzz when they travel through the NBA as they build their record book roster. While some may call them the freaks of the league, the Bucks front office is simply referring to the new team as team representing all of society. “The players will represent the dreams and sometimes nightmares of fans worldwide, and we will create an interesting brand of basketball for a city that is used to embracing all walks of life,” was the official word from the organization.

Larry Krystkowiak will soon be joined on the bench by Curly Neal, and current player Mo Williams will stay on the roster in order to create a Three Stooges subplot. The team has also confirmed the purchase of a “short bus” that the players will ride in for the games. The bus will have a magic window that opens up so fans can see in, and the team has hired Busdriver Bob from The Doodlebops television program to drive. The half-time entertainment for each game will also arrive with the team on the bus, which will be equipped with bubble and smoke machines.

Some players under consideration include:

Earl Boykins—shortest current NBA player
Manute Bol, Gheorghe Muresan, or Shawn Bradley—tallest
Danny Schayes or son—Jewish
Shareef Abdur-Rahim or Tariq Abdul-Wahad—Muslim
Tyrone Hill—ugliest
Rasheed Wallace—most penalized
Dennis Rodman—?
John Amaechi—“man in the middle, on top, or on bottom”
Tracy McGrady—most cross-eyed
Eduardo Najera—Mexican
Steve Nash—Canadian
Oliver Miller--Fattest

21 Arrested in Protest of Army Recruiting Station to Join Fight in Iraq

Twenty-one protesters were arrested outside of an Army recruiting center on Oakland Avenue, and they have all decided to join the Army. Apparently, the techniques used were seen as so innovative that the Army offered the protesters a chance to use their abilities for the good of the war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sgt. Lawrence Steel of the US Army said, “They used their advantage to their advantage--just the kind of thing we like to see in the Army. And their methods were unorthodox, which means they carry the element of surprise.”

Apparently, the protesters threw paint and smoke bombs as they approached the recruiting center, a maneuver likely meant to disguise their numbers. Sgt. Steel confirms that this is the first time he has heard of thrown paint as a terror technique. “The approach was made in multiple columns, with smoke and paint disguising their moves,” recounted Steel. “The ski masks were a nice touch because we were not able to identify them. And the coup de grâce was the human waste thrown through our window. Nothing says ‘back off’ like someone’s crap being thrown at you. And the fact that they were carrying torches...the psychological effect of them getting medieval on us was simply ingenious. It was like the local peasants attacking Frankenstein's castle."

Military officials say the protesters will be employed as a crack force used to infiltrate neighborhoods in Baghdad where uniformed soldiers face constant gunfire. The protesters will be sent in with smoke bombs, stink bombs, brass knuckles, pet monkeys, gallons of paint, megaphones, torches, and lots of human waste in order to defeat terrorist factions. “The protesters operated a lot like the terrorists we see overseas,” admitted Steel, “and we think their lack of organization, lack of purpose, and lack of sense will really help them confuse the enemy. Anyhow, it’s worth a shot, since, off the record, not much else is working.”

Suite Life of Brewers Fans Should not be Interrupted

By Dan Brubus

I pay a lot of money to have a luxury suite at Milwaukee Brewers games, or should I say the company that pays me what I’m worth pays a lot for the suite. I say that the rich and famous of Milwaukee deserve to flush whatever they want into the river because we keep the city afloat. I was told that the suites are responsible for the raw sewage being dumped into the river, and that the restrooms may not be available for opening day. That’s simply outrageous! I have some very important Taiwaneese businessmen coming to the game to see Hong-Chih Kuo play and possibly sign a multi-million dollar deal for me, and there is no way they are going to use a port-a-pot so some tree-hugging enviro-nazis can limit the waste in the river.

What most of the wackos out there don’t understand is that this entire region depends on the income generated by successful people like myself, and a few more thousands of gallons of waste isn’t going to ruin anything important in the ecosystem. Have you ever seen how big Lake Michigan is while flying in your private jet over it? I thought not. However, the fact remains that the lake is big enough to handle the liquor-tainted piss from a few important people in order to grease the wheels of progress.

I’m not just thinking of myself and my promotion here. We could become the global headquarters if this deal goes well, and that means more people wanting to buy dilapidated farmland to put up million dollar homes. Of course, tree-huggers often oppose that sort of progress as well, but that’s no surprise, because most of those granola-eaters probably want economic decline in the region so they can go back to a simpler way of living. How much more simple can you get than pissing in the river, I ask? Honestly, it’s what the river is there for. Ashes to ashes, people! When I need to change my oil, do I waste my valuable time dumping the old oil off at the auto parts store after the loser neighbor kid changes it? Hell no—that’s what the sewer in front of my house is for. When it snows, do I break my back shoveling it? Not a chance—that’s what salt is for. And when I finish using chemical bottles, do I go hang out with the low-lifes at the dump to dispose of it? Not in my leather-upholstered vehicle—that’s what the fire pit is for. And should the Brewers fall to pressure from a small minority of people who think they need to clean up? Not if they want my money!

Wisconsin Farmers Prepare for Brave New Warm World

In response to a study published in Florence, Italy, stating that global warming will make Italy less of a wine-growing country, Wisconsin farmers have begun to discuss what that means to agriculture here. The climate is expected to change over the next few decades, and the state may benefit from being prepared for that change. Apparently, a stong possibility exists that Wisconsin would inherit the climate of the Tuscan Coast, and people all over the state are preparing.

Sales for scooters have gone up in recent years, but are expected to spike with the new climate change confirmation. Farmers, long favoring four wheelers, are also expected to use these Vespas more often. Actually, Vespas will come in handy on the newly resized American farms, as the average Italian farm only measures 17 acres.A number of pubs in the heartland are planning on being converted to discos to satisfy the new need for those types of establishments. Also, local gyms are expecting to see an influx of male members. The fishing industry has become interested in the probable changes in behavior, and they plan on having more open-air fish markets in port cities, with an expectation that people will eat fish on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Wisconsinites are expected to shift their tastes for large motorcycles and family sedans to beautifully-designed sport bikes, sports cars, and vinyl pants. In order to enjoy some of these new passions, Wisconsinites will begin taking one-and-a-half to two-hour lunch breaks, which is also enough time to take on a lover—this is more French than Italian, but who cares! Men from Wisconsin are expected to develop a taste for beautiful women, as well, and that means a major recruiting effort is currently underway. Men will use pick-up lines like, “You so beautiful! You come to my flat and I paint you. Bellisima!”

Women are expected to start buying more gold jewelry. Lots of it. Women will also benefit from the new sense of love the men will feel for their mamas. Citizens may develop strange desires to listen to John Denver music and wear 80s high tops.

Farmers will cultivate fields of vineyards, as well as lots of olive trees. They may also grow fruits and vegetables more commonly associated with the Mediterranean region, like Romaine lettuce. Farmers also plan on renting out their homes to tourists by calling them “country villas.” Overall, people in Wisconsin will make less money but be generally happier, except when they have to kill large cockroach-like creatures that will share their homes once the winter freeze disappears.

UW Professor Makes Closing Statements About Hmong

Could a law professor lose his job for making fun of Hmong people? That’s the question UW-Madison officials will tackle soon, as the case of what a professor named Kaplan said about the Hmong during a lecture recently. The question isn’t whether or not his remarks were accurate, but whether or not he has the right to say them. Let’s put it right out there: he is accused of saying that Hmong men only know how to kill things and that their sons tend to be in gangs, or to be more accurate, we’ll quote the quote of an email quote: “’ Hmong men have no talent other than to kill,’" "’all-second generation Hmong end up in gangs and other criminal activity’" and "’all men purchase their wives, so if he wants to have sex with his wife and she doesn't consent, you and I call it rape, but the Hmong guy is thinking, 'Man, I paid too much for her!' ‘" (Please, any representatives of MLA or APA, help us out here.)

While on the surface, these remarks seem insensitive, especially for a professor from Madison, but what Dr. K was doing was really quoting what other people tend to say about the Hmong, which sort of makes the quote we printed a quote of a quote of a quote in an email quote. Or, as lawyers might say, hearsay. Haven’t we all watched enough re-runs of Perry Mason at our grandmas’ to know that hearsay is not admissible in court? We would need actual evidence, like OJ’s team got on that Mark Fuhrman guy, that Kaplan is in fact racist and not just another Jewish lawyer who stuck his leathern footgear in his mouth before making a sacrifice of burnt offerings. Just because Marty (I’ll just assume his name’s Marty) was ribbing on the Hmong does not mean he’s a bigot at all. In fact, because he’s Jewish, he cannot be a bigot—it’s against his religion. He also probably hates himself, which might explain why he called himself a schmuck after the lecture in question. Wait, his name could be Saul or Ira. Is Ira short for something? I bet Jews name their kids Saul as sort of a jab against Christians like Mel Gibson because that was Paul’s name when he was busy killing Christians, wasn’t it? How about that Mel Gibson, though! What did you really expect from a country full of criminals? He got his first acting job as Mad Max because he was hung over and that’s what the Australian film industry was looking for in their one and only hit movie. Did you know that there are only about six million Jews in the United States? That’s the whole freakin country, and I’ve had three Jewish doctors and a Jewish lawyer, and every single film in Hollywood is Kosher. You know we’ve got 50,000 Hmong in Wisconsin and we’re second only to California? Same thing with milk production. Probably no correlation, but interesting, no? Milwaukee was second to San Francisco for per capita homosexuals for a while, and the Milwaukee County Zoo was once ranked second after the San Diego Zoo. Actually, that’s probably why no one else in the country even cares about this story—they’re like, what in tarnation is a Hmong? I guess they’re kinda like the Kurds in Iraq because they did some work to help America out and then were left to deal with it after we pulled out, and then we’re like, “Come to Wisconsin and California, the lands of milk and honey, and that will make up for your efforts.”

The problem with digressing, as a professor or a journalist, is that you don’t exactly stick to the point. By the way, there are only 28,000 Jews in Wisconsin, so if we get some sort of Jew versus Hmong war going on, my money’s on the Hmong, especially since so many of them are hunters, fishers, or boobie-trap makers. And when you don’t stick to the point, you make all kinds of points that might not be relevant, you might even offend, and you’ll look like a shlemil. Actually, we could fit all the state’s Hmong in Wauwatosa and all the Jews in South Milwaukee and let them hurl insults at each other. And since gay people make up between one an ten percent of our state’s population, they could all be sent to Green Bay (heretofore known as Green Gay) to cheer on the Packers (there’s a joke for you, junior), or sent to Madison to cheer on the communist professors.

The problem with professors in general is that none of them know how to teach, so they tend to make outlines of what they know, and then proceed to either stick those up on an overhead or just talk about their outlines and tell a megillah to fill the rest of the time. And professors keep their jobs by writing crap no one besides other professors reads, so they really don’t have a grasp of reality, or their own profession for which they profess. Which leads back to Kaplan, who is supposed to teach the students in Madison to become lawyers… people who lie in order to win, and who should know at all times to consider the audience. The fact that this teacher looked out at a crowd of twenty with at least three Asian faces in it, and still went of on some sort of tirade about Hmongs (even if it was satire) means that he clearly could use a little help in the act of being a lawyer, which might explain why he’s teaching in college and not winning big cases in the courtroom. Anyway, I say we give the shlep another chance. I just saw his name, and it’s Lenny, so any one of us could be wrong…just keep that in mind the next time you want to cast the first stone. Ah, the khutspe of some people!

Zorro Unmasked After Botched Rescue of Maiden from Casa de Culo

The Dons have finally done what seemed to be impossible. They have captured the great Zorro after he attempted to save a woman he believed was being raped. The entire situation, however, appears to have been an elaborate trap. Zorro, sitting in his Oconomowoc apartment, eating Cheetos and playing World of Warcraft, heard the sounds of a maiden in distress. Of course, the great hero of the people rushed immediately to his neighbor’s dwelling, romantically smashed down the door, and wielded his mighty sword to rescue the poor woman.
Zorro’s neighbor, however, sheathed his own sword and chased the surprised hero back to his hideout, one floor below. The maiden in distress was but a common harlot in the throws of ecstasy, on DVD no less. And the neighbor was none other than Zorro’s arch-nemesis Montero. The District Attorney will surely prosecute Zorro for crimes against the ruling families of the region.

I Am Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter’s Father

I know there is a lot of confusion as to the true father of little Dannielynn. After much consideration, I must come forward. I am Dannielynn’s father. It was September 1998 and I was in college at Florida International University. Being a broke college student, I did the only thing reasonable to make money, I went to the sperm bank. At the time, they were paying $100 per shot. I figured I was good for three or four bills. While filling out the paperwork, I indicated I was an economist who resembled a young J. Howard Marshall, the brilliant billionaire who helped design the former President Bush’s economic policy. Little did I expect Anna to hop on my impressive sperm résumé. Ironically enough, I took a gander at early 90s Playboy magazines while getting the little soldier up for reveille, so in many ways, Anna Nicole and I shared a special moment under the fluorescent lights, bathed in the scent of rubbing alcohol.

Sorry Moby, Howard K. Prince von Anhalt, Mr. Denk, and Mark, DNA test will prove conclusively that I, RD88291, am the real father. I am coming forward not for the sake of the baby, but for the inheritance. Dannielynn carries with her a prize that makes my statement worth the benefit of my humiliation over the cost of my desperation. If only I had enough money to get plastered that fateful September evening, none of this would have come out. I am not proud, but now I am at least rich.Due to the suggestion of my lawyer, I am not giving my name and prefer to be left anonymously as RD88291. I am told this is best for both my family and me. Dannielynn will join a family of alcohol-consuming drug addicts who love to party. I am sure Anna will be proud of Dannielynn’s new home, as we seem to fit Anna’s infamous lifestyle. In another life we might have been soul-mates, but alas she was merely the receptacle for my wealthy offspring’s incubation. Don’t worry Anna, I’ll make sure Dannielynn stays off the Methadone, Lexapro and Zoloft; the rest is up to her.

Southridge Mall Becoming Crime-Ridden

Southridge has joined Mayfair as another mall in the area having to deal with serious criminal activity. Hardcore gamblers have moved in and are breaking laws by playing games of chance in back room gambling dens, similar to those in Chicago clubs run by mob bosses like Al Capone.

Recently, Real Wisconsin News sent an undercover reporter to a dimly lit basement in the mall to garner enough evidence to call in Greendale police. What that reporter found was a great menace: elderly women hooked on gambling and eating inexpensive dinners. Some of the women had shifty eyes hidden behind thick glasses. There was a hint of baked goods in the stale basement air, and the spine-tingling sound of candy wrappers could be heard throughout the room. One lady, obviously addicted to gambling and butterscotch-flavored candy, yelled “Bingo!” at some point, and she received a prize in a small box—a trinket meant to pull her deeper and deeper into the seedy underworld of Boston Store Bingo Night.

Walkers were parked next to some of the tables, poised for an escape if the police were to bust the gambling up, and a red strobe light was mounted ominously above the number-reader. At one point, a recording device disguised as a hearing aide made a loud sound, and some of the “girls” looked accusingly at its owner. Many of the women’s hands appeared to be shaking, obviously fearful that their illegal entertainment might be found out at any moment. A man in a suit entered the room at some point and nodded at a few of the ladies, a signal perhaps that a “take” was on. One lady, who appeared to be dozing off, started suddenly and seemed quite frazzled, a clear sign that illicit drug use pervades the clients of this establishment. Near the end of the gambling, two ladies helped a third get up and walked her over to the restroom area, possibly resulting in some sort of shake down. As the gambling parlor closed for the night, malevolent laughter could be heard throughout the room as the women had once again broken the law and satisfied their habitual yearnings.