CBS 58 Breaks Ice in Experiential News Reporting

Some Laugh, but Point is Well-taken CBS 58 has taken on a new direction in its news reporting, and the results are certainly creating a buzz. Instead of the old-fashioned “listen to me: don’t do this” form of news reporting, CBS 58 has rolled out a new era in reporting with “watch me: don’t do this.” Early critics of the technique have scoffed at the results—the loss of a $250,000 news van in Big Muskego Lake. However, every local news channel covered the story, and the point is well taken among people who enjoy driving their large, heavy vehicles on ice in the winter.

Instead of standing on the shore with her video camera, Susan Wronsky took it upon herself to prove just how thin the ice was in that area. While she now claims she just made a wrongsky turn and thought she was on a road (probably for insurance reasons), her cutting-edge journalism has led many SUV owners to reconsider their drives on frozen waters.

Chuck McFarlane, an avid ice fisher, told Real Wisconsin News that he now plans on driving his wife’s Toyota onto the lake instead of his Yukon Denali. “Really,” he said, “the four wheel drive capabilities and extra cargo room won’t help too much when it starts heading into the water. And that Toyota’s an old piece of crap, anyhow.”

Of course, the jokesters are out there, claiming Susan took the wrongsky turn and ended up in her predicament because of the age-old accusation of female inattentive driving. This is an unfortunate accusation to be heaped upon such a dedicated journalist. Maybe she was touching up her mascara at the time, but that’s only natural for a 27 year-old hoping to win a job in front of the camera. Let us not forget that her sacrifice will save countless lives.

CBS 58 has plans to continue their ahead-of-their-time experiential journalism with stories you will not want to miss. Later this winter, a reporter will spend several nights in a small cabin with various portable heaters to determine which ones are most dangerous with the windows closed. Another story will involve trimming trees near power lines, and a summer story will demonstrate how not to light fireworks. The FOX News Network will be watching the success of this new form of reporting, and has apparently already secured the services of some FOX movie studio stuntmen to aid in their potential reporting of such stories as “What to do if Your Home is Attacked by Terrorists” and “How to Replace Electrical Outlets Without all the Hassle of Cutting the Electricity.”

State Department of Tourism Releases Segregated Multicultural Calendar

Calendar Accurately Reflects Wisconsin’s Communities. In an effort to continue the popular multicultural tourism calendar, first launched in 2005, yet maintain factual integrity, the Wisconsin Department of Tourism has released a segregated version. This calendar will depict realistic scenes of Real Wisconsin diverse citizens in their natural habitats as opposed to staged or doctored photos to falsely represent integration. The twelve photos used for each month are as follows:
January—African-Americans celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day at the Hoopfest basketball tournament in Milwaukee
February—White ice-fishermen sit next to their ice-shack with beers in hand. Pickup truck and “Warning: Thin Ice” sign in background.
March—A group of Jewish UW-Milwaukee students attend classes on good Friday wearing their Kippahs
April— Chippewa spearfishers in boats with lights shining in the water and spears in hand. White protesters line the shore
May—Mexican-Americans celebrate the Cinco de Mayo celebration at the UMOS Center on South Chase Avenue. Colorful dresses, piñatas, and low riders in the parking lot.
June—Barbeque at the Juneteenth Day street festival. African-Americans fill the streets as police officers line the sidewalks.
July—Italian-American family lighting off fireworks and playing Bocce Ball in the backyard August—White suburban family in their yard. Dad is watering the lawn. Mom is weeding the garden. Junior is kicking a soccer ball.
September—A Jordanian Muslim family sitting around their kitchen table and drinking only water to celebrate the month of Ramadan
October—A group of overweight white men at an Oktoberfest celebration wearing lederhosen, eating brats, and drinking beer. A polka band plays in the background.
November—Three Hmong hunters standing next to a “No Trespassing” sign with five deer December—African-American churchgoers outside of their church on Christmas Day. Nativity scene with a blond-haired Jesus in background.

Alderman McGee Expands Mission

By Andy Amos

Milwaukee 6th District Alderman Michael Jackson McGee Jr. took time off from fighting a local recall effort to fortify his position as a leading activist for black rights. Speaking at a hastily called urgent press conference, Alderman McGee took great exception to the characterization of black ice being a danger to the community. “All this talk on the radio and on television about black ice being a danger to drivers in the community is another example of the racist community in which we live. I know that spin-outs are a concern to all in the city. But laying blame at the door of black ice is outrageous. People need to know and accept that black ice is not a menace. Black ice is the victim here and will now have to deal with this stigma for life.”

Describing what it would take to fix the problems of black ice, McGee carried on: “To fix the problems of black ice, we as leaders, need to make sure that the police officers who respond to spin-outs have the right backgrounds and are properly trained. We shouldn’t worry so much about what problems black ice causes, but the causes of black ice making problems. For example, I hold John Malan responsible for the current episode of black ice.”

When asked about the local recall effort against him, McGee responded, “I want my brothers and sisters to know what is important to me. So, I am taking time that I really need to fight off this unwanted recall effort, to let all my peeps know, that no matter what is going on with me, if you are black, I am there for you. Black ice, black-eyed peas, black limousines, black hookers, black coffee, black Venezuelan oil, black panthers, whatever man. If it’s black, them’s my constituents and I care.” When asked to explain himself further, Mr. McGee unrolled a poster that read “Black Ice!” and retreated into his office.

Milwaukee Gangs to Set up Al-Qaeda-like Training Camps

The city’s gangs are implementing new training methods, and their main inspiration will be the Al-Qaeda training camps, such as those used by Osama Bin Laden. Local gang leaders, who agreed to speak anonymously for this article, cite a number of recent foul-ups as their reason for this measure.

In late September, a number of gang members shot at a rival gang member’s “crib” and accidentally shot one of their own in the shootout. This would be an unacceptable loss in any military action, especially since the house was a stationary target located in front of all of the gunmen. While some may see the death of a known criminal as poetic justice, gang leaders are not interested in poetry, only results. “All those mutha******* had to do was come up side by side instead of gettin all up in front of each other,” one gang member noted.

Another unfortunate side-effect of poor training is shooting innocent bystanders instead of the rival gang members who are being targeted. Sometimes this is a result of poor planning or faulty information. Often, gang members will see a rival enter a home and assume that home belongs to someone in the rival gang, or they may look up rival gang members in the phone book and engage in gunfire at a house that has been bought by someone else since the book was issued. “We need to know who we shootin at and have some better aim when we shootin at them,” concluded one gang leader.

The training camps will teach prospective gang members how to use Milwaukee’s grid pattern and house numbers to find the correct address. Trainees will also learn how to use the internet to access updated address information. “The best thing you can do when some cats come at you is collect yo ass and think about what’s next, not just get in yo ride and blast they crib. Cause someone baby sister always home.” Training camps will also teach simple shootout techniques, like spacing and using the sun to one’s advantage, as well as police-evasion methods.

Future gang members will also be issued more appropriate weapons for given situations. “You ain’t no sniper when you gots a sawed-off, but some dumb-asses think they is cause they saw some cop movie like that once.” Some of the gangs said they would be investing in rifles with scopes for more accurate drive-bys. “I knew this cracker in high school who said he could kill a deer at 500 yards. This one dude from another gang only stay about 300 yards from me. I don’t gotta be no mathmagician to figure that out.”

Honey Creek Beach to Open in West Allis

Bradford Beach will soon have to compete with a new beach with similar levels of human feces in the water. The city of West Allis will open the Honey Creek Beach that will replace the failing county-run swimming pools, and allow citizens to bask in the peace and solitude found only near sewage-tainted waters. A recent study conducted by the Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District has found that an unexpected level of human feces routinely flows through the Honey Creek, likely resulting from bad sewer pipes, but the levels are not unlike those seen at Milwaukee’s favorite summer lakefront beach, so West Allis officials plan on going ahead with their plans to create the Honey Creek Beach in State Fair Park.Currently, the creek runs through underground culverts under State Fair Park, but the plan is to dam the water in the fair’s parking lot, and create an aesthetically pleasing concrete beach around the new lagoon. Some local residents have suggested the lagoon may be more of a cesspool, but they were told that to limit human feces in the creek may cost up to $12,000 per household to add new sewer pipes, and little protest has been voiced since.A press release from the city of West Allis states, “The city wants to create a new destination for State Fair Park, since the ice rink and expo center have been complete disasters. The only thing on the grounds that has made any money is the RV park, and this will provide beachfront property for those people living out of their RVs.” In fact, one city planner has suggested a Honey Creek Beach Trailer Park for the remainder of State Fair’s only parking lot.Neighborhood citizens who charge up to $25 tax-free to park State Fair patrons in their front lawns are excited about the loss of more parking spaces on State Fair grounds. Former state senator Tom Reynolds welcomes the decreased parking lot size so that he can collect more money for parking at his residence on 94th and Schlinger. “I may have lost my bid for re-election,” he stated in an interview, “but I can make big money if there’s no parking lot at State Fair. I’ll apply any money I make to my upcoming bid for the Presidency.”While not all West Allis residents are aspiring as high as Reynolds, the new beach is seen as a good way to keep kids off the streets and close money-draining local pools. One Reynolds caliber idea is to relocate the Cool Waters slides from Greenfield Park to the new beach and rent wetsuits to beachgoers so that they can avoid side effects such as dysentery from the water itself. Excitement is growing in West Allis for this project because it is a land-locked inner-ring suburb with no natural beaches of its own. Local businesses see the project as an opportunity to tout West Allis as a leading community in the region, and move beyond the blue-collar bar-on-every-streetcorner stereotype that has plagued the city since its inception in the early 1900s.

Could a Songbird Hunting Season be in the future?

By Hank WarneskiThe state of Wisconsin is currently considering adding another season for all you hunters out there. Now you could have the chance to legally harvest those wall mounting cardinal, finches, and orioles that have been hanging out around your bird feeder, instead of just the squirrels.Wisconsin State Representative Joel Kleefisch, a Republican and a real man, has proposed a bill that will allow the hunters of Wisconsin a chance to knock down the overpopulated songbird population. Joel stated in a recent interview, “I’m tired of having to fill my bird feeder twice a day in order to feed all those songbirds.”In light of the passing of the bill for mourning dove hunting in 2001 in the state allowing hunting of them for the first time since 1918, hunters are hoping this will also be passed. Jeb Franken stated in an interview: “I’ve been picking off them stupid squirrels for years around my feeder, but what I really want is a nice cardinal roast for supper one of these days. I hope this will be a step in the right direction.”Hunters around the state are planning on holding a rally on the square in Madison on March 14th to show support for this policy change, and to show off their new songbird hunting gear.Politicians are showing mixed reactions to the topic and appear to be split down the middle. Paul Ryan (R), a representative from Waukesha county said, “I’m sick of these hunters always getting their way and being able to hunt everything in the woods or their front yards. We need to leave some parts of nature alone.”Hunters and non hunters can agree that Wisconsin has a great number of songbirds, some of which can be very annoying when you’re trying to sleep. Companies like Kaytee are making a considerable amount of money off consumers who purchase their products to help fatten up these songbirds. The DNR however feels it will be able to make a considerable amount of money off of songbird stamps for hunting that could be put back into the state instead of being made by a company like Kaytee.The debate will continue in the coming weeks on this matter. Be sure to let you local representative know how you feel on this so that your voice is heard.

Bucher Refers Jessica McBride To DA

By Pompous AssitudeFormer Waukesha County District Attorney and Wisconsin Attorney General race loser Paul Bucher recently referred wife and WTMJ-AM 620 conservative talk show host Jessica McBride to new Milwaukee DA John Chisholm for investigation and possible charges. In documents sought but not found by the Real Wisconsin News investigative reporting unit Bucher alleges that McBride suffers from severe on-air lapses of originality, creativity, intelligence and insight, as well as, repetitive cases of bumble-itis and “I just think” isms. Bucher isn’t recommending any particular charges, but thinks there might be something to be done in the name of better programming. Said Bucher, “You know I love Jessica, so this is hard to bring up at home, but I think she’s a little lacking on-air. At home she’s a brilliant orator, and I know she is drilling deeply into stories, but her show just doesn’t seem to have the climax that slot deserves. I’m hoping that an independent investigation will shed some light on the proper remedies.” John Chisholm isn’t sure what to do with this case. “Under (recently retired Milwaukee DA) McCann’s oversight we might have charged Jessica. Non-violent, non-repeat offenders were Mike’s specialty. But I don’t know. I think I’d like to redirect County resources towards actual crimes, not just offenses to our senses. She is pretty, so maybe I’ll just suggest that she be on television where she wouldn’t have to speak as much.”Real Wisconsin News legal consultant John Marshall (yes, THE John Marshall) through a medium said that if this case succeeds, it will necessarily become a precedence and a number of local radio news-entertainment personalities would be at risk because of their general lack of both news and entertainment value. However, he pointed out, the other news-entertainment personalities are not very handsome, and therefore might do better in print media or as wait-staff at one of those insult-your-customer restaurants.

New Football Star Must Really be Good

by Vern RaashkeI was watching BBC News today because I’m a cultured man, and I heard about this football player from over there who’s going to play for Los Angeles’s new football team, the Galaxy. His name is Daniel or David Beckham, and he must be really good. For me, an avid football fan, to never have heard of this guy just goes to show that Euro-NFL has not exactly taken off. I had no idea than an unproven 31 year-old could sign with a football team for nearly $50 million a year.I don’t know if the L.A. team is an expansion team or what, but I’m glad L.A. was able to acquire an NFL team because a tough blue-collar town like L.A. needs a pro football team. I just hope this Beckham character knows how to play whatever it is he plays. The news called him a midfielder, and I haven’t played high school football in a few decades, but we never had any of them. Halfback, fullback, quarterback—those I understand. I suppose a midfielder is a defender who runs around behind the real men (linebackers). Back in my time, we used to call them safeties, but I can’t get too upset about change. Like the DH, don’t even get me started on that!Back in my time, had I wanted to play professional football, I might have made as much as a teacher or janitor. Now, a fella like Beckham will make as much as 1000 well-paid teachers, or 2000 janitors, or 3000 fast food employees. Well, all I can say is, at least you know where you stand with football players, unlike people with real college degrees who always think they’re so smart. If you were so smart, college boy, you’d be making $50,000,000! Smoke that in your pipe, professor!I also heard on the news broadcast the young man is married to a spice girl. I’m not sure if that means she sorts and grounds spices, or perhaps she sells them a nice little spice shop. Either way, I suppose she can stay at home and give Mr. Beckham a few sons instead of working on her own career now. I look forward to seeing how the European style of football translates to my favorite sport, and I hope the Pack plays the Galaxy next year.

Sallie Mae Subject of Unfair Criticism

By Ewe Benjamin Dover

For the past several years, SLM Corporation, better known by its flowery fresh moniker Sallie Mae, has been the subject of increasing negativism. Anti-capitalist Chinese red commi sympathizers, from our very own sea to shining sea, have accused sweet Sallie as being less than nice in her lending practices. As a result, whiny sniveling college student mush brains and recent college graduates feeling sorry for themselves, now that they have to get a job, have taken their complaints to the streets. Bruce Rossman, a recent UW-Milwaukee graduate, after another night of getting snubbed on Brady Street commented, “Ohhhhh, that Sallie is a mean bitch!” Really? This PRO-capitalist, PRO-American writer thinks that Sallie is one of the sweetest most consumer friendly corporate citizens to ever grace our sacred land. She stands right next to the misunderstood Enron, labor friend Walmart and altruistic Halliburton in the pantheon of great American companies. Shameless self-motivated puppets of the far-left pro-education movement accuse Sallie Mae of all sorts of preposterous malfeasances. Constantly complaining about lost and not received paperwork. Then griping about fines and fees imposed when the not received paperwork isn’t processed. Sallie points out that the problems lie with the U.S. Post Office, malfunctioning fax machines and email servers. She also reiterates that the fees could have been avoided if the forms and paperwork has just been in on time. Another complaint falls in the realm of the completely absurd. Loan takers suggest that Sallie’s unwillingness to work with borrowers is due to a conflict of interest. They imply that since Sallie has entered the collections business her actions have become more predatory. That’s silly talk. Sallie has maintained the same level of predation for years. She’s just now found more effective methods of revenue generation. When you consider that interest is all Sallie wants how could she be accused of a confict of interest. Poor, poor Sallie, I weep for you.
Many people also have the gall to point out that the “one consolidation and one consolidation only rule” has been very unfair to borrowers who have been unable to take advantage of falling interest rates. They imply that Sallie uses her multi-million dollar lobby to harm citizens in order to preserve a rule that would in any other circumstances be illegal under consumer protection laws. They cry that HR-2505, which would allow borrowers to refinance at prevailing lower interest rates, somehow keeps failing to reach the votes necessary in the Congress to relieve some of the pressure on their young lives. Folks, take it up with your Senator, Sallie is just a company. Companies don’t run the United States.Ingrate hippies also point to some sort of irony now that Sallie offers mortgage refinancing yet still refuses to re-consolidate already consolidated federally insured student loans. Frankly, I fail to see their point. Why on earth would Sallie Mae refinance a federally insured loan to a better interest rate, when she can have people collateralize the loan with their houses at a higher interest rate when they run out of forbearance? It’s just common business sense people. Through it all, our dear Sallie Mae has not wavered. This bastion of American capitalism has gallantly stood up to the criticism by continuing to pursue her altruistic business strategy of giving young adults all the tools of leveraging their future earnings at above market interest rates. So though some so-called ethicists question Sallie’s methods, who can dispute this fact? And really, why do “ethicists” exist, anyhow? Think about it, the market will dictate ethics, just as it dictates foreign and domestic policy.Sallie Mae now administers more than a $140 billion in student loan debt. Debt that is necessary to promote the common good of our great nation.

Senator Herb Kohl Finally Admits: “I’m Straight”

Videotaped Confession Trounces RumorsWhile he may look great in an expensive suit, Herb Kohl finally admitted Tuesday that he is, in fact, straight. This revelation may come as a surprise to the homosexual community and the Shepherd Express, but actual footage of the senator admitting his orientation can be seen as well in some older Milwaukee Bucks video footage obtained by Real Wisconsin News. In the footage, Big Dog Glenn Robinson asks Senator Kohl if he’d like a sip of his Kool Aide, and Senator Kohl clearly states, “No thanks, Dog. I’m straight.” Big Dog seems to answer with, “I gotcha, big man.”Senator Kohl has placed himself firmly back in the closet with the “I’m straight” admission, and has never made any statements to negate this evidence. In fact, back in 1993, Senator Kohl proclaimed that he was neither a gay man nor a lesbian, which only leaves straight man or straight woman as his options.Rumors about Kohl's flirtations are also baseless. Men and women alike were turned on by Don Nelson yelling at players and ruggedly conducting a tractor around the state, so we cannot come to any conclusions based on Kohl's rumored crush. There simply is no body of evidence to suggest that Senator Herb Kohl does not get completely turned on by Energee, the Milwaukee Bucks dance team, just like the rest of us, men and women alike.

Brett Favre - An All-time Great: Let Us Not Count The Ways Just Yet

by BeavA couple of springs ago, I was killing time before a Brewer’s spring training game at a casino in Arizona (and of course breaking even). I had beaten up on a particular player during a friendly 3-6 limit hold’em game when that player started making fun of the Packers- he had noticed the belt to chin green and gold “G” on my black t-shirt somehow. He was about that observant in his card playing as well, so I guess I knew where he was going to go with his football chatter. He laid into Brett Favre- what a surprise. Somehow he thought that would throw me off my game, and as much of a Brett Favre fan as I am, he didn’t know that I have long since gotten over the twenty or thirty percent of football observers who just don’t have a clue about, well, really don’t have a clue about anything football or even sports related (was I light on that percentage). He told me how vastly over-rated Brett Favre was and how virtually every QB in the NFL was better, including John Kitna, Michael Vick and Jake Plummer (good players no doubt, but come on). At Jake Plummer I just had to laugh at him, tell him how funny a guy he was and let him know that he was about to lose some more money.I didn’t bother to give that guy many of the thousand or so statistical reasons why Brett Favre is an All-time Great player. I know most of those stats, including the winning percentage, touchdowns, touchdown to interception ratio, completions, yards, etc. etc. etc… You see, statistics don’t make great players that we remember; great players make statistics that we remember. Statistics are like trees, the types of stats let you know that you are in a particular realm of performance, like the type of tree lets you know what kind of forest you are in. All the numbers can let us know is that Favre is somewhere in the forest of greatness.What I mostly talked to this card competitor about was Brett Favre, the guy. How Favre in so many ways is just somebody who could be your neighbor- the rich one- but your neighbor nonetheless. A guy who you’d be happy to let into your house when he knocked, or heck, even if he just strolled in. I told him about how Favre had, while in the public eye, dealt with some pretty harsh life realities. Favre dealt with work, fame, pressure and most importantly family issues, with a class and nature that was, in an era of T.O.s and Leons, refreshing at least, and admirable to most. His trials and tribulations were not that different from many of ours, other than he was under the watchful eye of millions of people when he dealt with his. No, Favre will never need to do a reality TV show, he’s already done it.I’m not going to canonize the guy; he did fall to some temptations. A dependency problem- though somewhat understandable due to the level of physical stress and pain he experienced was still a fall- being the one everybody needing an argument against the man makes, including our erstwhile card opponent. Here’s where I always get confused. People who want to argue that Favre isn’t the player he’s cracked up to be, always seem to come back to non-football arguments. I’m a little tired of it, but really, I guess it is what it is- negative people being negative people. I have yet to see one of those people driving in anything particularly nice or living somewhere fantastic or hear them talk about how lucky they are to have good friends or how great their family life is. So, I can only think there is some envy going on. I guess some envy is understandable though. I envy Brett for being better looking then me, a better athlete, making a ton of money, and probably being better spoken.Brett Favre, like all people, I’m sure has his faults. I don’t really know what his faults are, so I don’t bring those things up. I have seen Favre be human in the face of personal and professional troubles and adversity. I have seen him withstand pain. I have seen him donate time and money to people he did not know. I wonder how many “non-likers” of Favre can say they have given like he has, even on a relative level?I have also seen Brett Favre play a game with a level of desire that really emphasizes what sport is supposed to be about- only Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods in my lifetime appear to be on the same level. I have seen a guy who has performed near the top of the NFL for a period longer than all but a few players ever. What I have heard from player after player after player, coach after coach, experienced commentator after experienced commentator, and really almost unanimously by people who are more knowledgeable about football than I even dream to be, is that Brett Favre is one of the ten or so Greatest Players Of All-time. No exceptions, no caveats.Anyway, back to my card game, because I know it’s on your mind. On my last hand before leaving for the Brewer’s game, as the naysayer was smilingly betting six more dollars then proudly flipping over his two pair, I reflected on how happy I was to have been witness to almost all of Brett Favre’s career to that point. Then I flipped over my straight, took the pot money and smiled back at my friendly rival. I’m not sure if I convinced that guy of Favre’s stature as a football player or normalcy as a person. I suspect he’s really a Favre fan. How can you not be? I think he’s just not a fan of losing at cards. When I did leave that day, four of the other players, none from Wisconsin, did take the time to say that they too were fans of Brett Favre for similar reasons as I am.Right now, I can only think of two things before I click save and send. I hope Brett knocks on the door one, or maybe two, more times as a player. And more importantly: Thanks Brett.

Students get high instead of going to local high school basketball game

By Hank WarneskiWaterloo high school students have begun getting stoned instead of going to games on Friday nights. In light of all the regulations put down by the WIAA, students have decided their time was better suited “taking hits” from the bong instead of cheering their peers on the court.Kevin Valtrop told the local paper, “I’m just sick of going to the game and being told by the administration to be mindful of the opposing team’s feelings when we cheer.” Kevin could not understand why the cheer, “He grabbed our ball and touched my sac” was not appropriate for a group of hormone-raging teens to chant.The students are fed up and are staging a protest of Weedstock proportions. Frank Goerteng who is leading the protest at a yet to be named location stated, “Screw the school. We’re just going to get stoned and play a good ole’ fashioned game of co-ed naked twister.”Local drug dealer Justin McNaughten is excited about the potential boost in sales that a Weedstock type event in Waterloo will bring him.The local booster club is saddened at the news, as the income received from these games helps support building new weight room for the student athletes at the school. Booster member Harold Reinhance stated, “How are we going to put out a great team without providing them with a place to bulk up and get inspired. Granted, the cheerleading squad isn’t hard on the eyes this year.”Waterloo’s principal Gary Ross doesn’t appear concerned about the students’ increase in drug use, but felt the need to stand firm in abiding by WIAA policy. He told us, “Hey, kids are going to do drugs no matter if we enforce rules or not. We feel that the WIAA hit the nail on the head by not allowing this type of cheering at events.”The WIAA referred to their policy on sportsmanship and stated that there should be no such thing as home court advantage at high school sporting events. WIAA Board of Control president Buck Diener stated, “These students are just trying to make us change our policies to allow students to begin having fun at high school sports events again, and that’s not what sportsmanship is all about.”

Racial Bias in Real Estate

Column by Rev. Dr. Bling Bling DavisLet us talk about the underhanded, understated, under-the-table problem of racial bias in selling homes. Have you seen this? I said, have you seen this? A white lady from a low-crime, highly-maintained white neighborhood in Milwaukee had the audacity coupled with the capacity to ask if a person looking to buy her house was black. Now, I'm sure she is a nice Christian white lady, but let me ask you, does the Bible say to love your neighbor only if he's white? Does the Bible say to not covet your neighbor's wife unless she's black? No my brother, and sister. The Bible says nothing about racial bias, because if it said racial bias was OK, then we'd all be free to do it with the blessing of God. But the Bible doesn't say racial bias is right. Not once. Not at all.So when the Jews were fleeing Egypt and stepped into the Promised Land, did the old white ladies who lived there at the time refuse to sell their homes? NO! NO! NO! The hand of God came down and smote any old white ladies who refused to sell, and then even the neighbors sold, and then the Jews lived where they belonged.We are looking for the justification of the nullification of a tribulation for this nation! Can I get an Amen? Thank you, Robert. And what we need to get for that poor black woman and the realtor who crusaded for her is vengeance. Vengeance in the form of a check from the realtors who would not sell. Vengeance in the form of a check from the old white lady. Vengeance in the form of a check from the government. For they fought the Pharisees and Sadducees of our time, with great pain and suffering, but they must also have great rewards, just as they will have in paradise.What we need as a community is action. We need people to go out there and put offers on houses they can't afford and then sue the owners of those houses. Big houses and little houses. Brown houses and white houses. From Delafield to Delevan. From Menomonee Falls to Muskego. From Wales to Wauwatosa. Even River Hills, and all the hills and valleys will belong to us if we sue for them.And when we win those houses in payment for seven hundred years of servitude and ingratitude, we will bring dark skin and harmony to the countryside. White folks all over this nation can move into our rickety 1920's homes with cold natural hardwood floors and useless built in china cabinets because we'll be in the Promised Land where our children will behave like little white children and our lawns will be neatly manicured, and no crime will follow us, and no housing market crash will follow us, and those Hmong sure as Hell best not follow us. Amen

Real Sports Predictions for 2007

Brewers make us happy, sad, and drunk (and help a few of us get laid when we claim to be sports agents).
Sheets, Cordero, Fielder, Weeks & Hall make All-star team.
Packers make us happy, sad and drunk.
Brett Favre discovers Randy Moss is fun to throw to.
Bucks have little impact on us.
Admirals & Wave remain underrated.
High school basketball game ends in shoot out.
Badgers continue to be best sporting experience in state, regardless of sport.
Warriors & Badgers reach Sweet 16.
Milwaukee Panthers kick some ass to begin 2007-08 season.
The Bucks allow 24 year old point guard who is becoming an all-star to leave so they can sign a 32 year old point guard who is unbecoming an all-star.
18 year veteran of Milwaukee Baseball League wins local league’s batting title.